5 Other Enormous Acts Simon Cowell Would've Rejected

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Just think: If Simon Cowell were a talent-spotting totem in the early 1960s, our lineup of the Beatles might've been altered forever. According to a new interview, Cowell said he would've rejected the original Beatles lineup had they auditioned for American Idol. "If The Beatles came on the show we would have said, 'We'll take those three - Paul McCartney, John Lennon and George Harrison - but probably lose the drummer," he said. "With Ringo, I'm afraid, we would have said 'bad news'." What might Simon have said to five other classic bands, without the tempering influence of a just-hired Ellen Degeneres?


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Bob Dylan

Status: The preeminent singer/songwriter of the past half-century

Simon's Evaluation: "Robert. We indulge a lot of precocious little monsters here. Most of them have the decency not to snarl at us, particularly the ones who are riding Joan Baez's moth-bitten coattails to stardom. I don't look forward to her reaction in the lobby when I tell you, "No." Just... stop laughing, Randy, I need to get through this, it's important for Mr. Zimmerman to hear ... too self-indulgent, too conversational, too utterly unpleasant. I think you know it too. And so does Minnesota, according to your bio. Seems to have gleefully ejected you from its premises. I assume that state is as big a funeral dirge as you are."


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The Carpenters

Status: One of the biggest adult contemporary acts of all time

Simon's Evaluation: "Karen. You're a beautiful girl. But you're so nervous! You're hiding behind those awful, clunky drums like some sort of rambunctious preteen -- you're already practically invisible in that dreadful grandmotherly dress. It's not the turn of the century! If I were Virginia Woolf, I'd have killed myself in that dress too, to be honest. As for you, Richard, I mean... the butterscotch haircut, the smiley demeanor, the pedantic '50s piano... this has nothing to do with the peace, love, and rock 'n roll that American Idol stands for. I'm sorry, it's a no. Maybe your car commercial jingles will sell well in front of more appropriate audience, like a retirement village. Not here. Thank you."


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The Sex Pistols

Status: The leaders of UK's punk movement

Simon's Evaluation: "Mr. Vicious and Mr. Rotten, is it? Well, that won't be hard to remember. I think I speak for our battered sound technician when I say that was infernal. Insufferable, even at one minute and 24 seconds. Truly the longest 84 seconds of my life. And there was just no grandeur, just... no guitar solos, no studio-ready vocals. They might tolerate these sort of tantrums at a loathsome New York coffeehouse, but I'm afraid you and your riffraff won't be lacerating America from here. I agree that you're the antichrist, however."


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ABBA

Status: Swedish pop pioneers who would eventually be offered $1 billion to reunite

Simon's Evaluation: "I mean, I'd love to eviscerate each of you by name, but of course I can't pronounce any of these names, so I'll just make it easy: No. No to the Lamaze class vocals, no to the beige lipstick, no to everything you're wearing, forever and ever. Sounds like a wedding musical from hell."


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Nirvana

Status: The undisputed kings of '90s grunge

Simon's Evaluation: "I have to agree with Kara on this one: Why aren't you excited to be here? This is American Idol, not a Camden thrift store. This was also your one shot, and, to be frank, you botched it with those lazy vocals and cryptogram lyrics. Do you want to know the truth? I'm insulted. I'm insulted that you would waste our time. And I think Randy is concerned that you're trying to undo the good that Whitesnake has done for radio. Odious."

Simon Cowell Blasts Beatles [STV]



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