9/11 Conspiracy Theorist Charlie Sheen Scripts Steamy Fanfic Encounter with President
Charlie Sheen makes $860,000 per episode of Two and a Half Men. Let that number roll around in your head for a bit as you consider the unusual story of "Twenty Minutes with the President," a fictitious fireside chat with President Obama -- conceived, written, story and based upon a theory championed by the sitcom star -- that has been loosed upon the Internet by radio host and 9/11 conspiracy theorist-in-arms (the politically correct term is Truther, or Cover-Up-Enabling-Challenged), Alex Jones.
Of course, were you to stumble haphazardly upon the transcript hosted on Jones' website, perhaps after a night of drinking too much and Googling a hazardous search-term cocktail of "Cheerleaders + Bush + Manly men, men, men," you'd be forgiven if you had assumed the conversation had actually taken place. Sheen chooses to preface it with this introduction:
I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with our 44th President of the United States of America, Barack Hussein Obama, while he was out promoting his health care reform initiative. I requested 30 minutes given the scope and detail of my inquiry; they said I could have 20. Twenty minutes, 1200 seconds, not a lot of time to question the President about one of the most important events in our nation's history. The following is a transcript of our remarkable discussion.
Sheen then produces what could well be the start of a bold new offshoot of the traditional fanfic -- the World Leader Comes Around to the Conspiracy Theory 99.9% of the Population Dismisses as Crackpot genre -- weaving in sexy guest appearances by Osama bin Laden, Dick Cheney, FBI translator Sibel Edmonds and The New Yorker reporter Seymour Hersh along the way. All the while, he shows a talent for capturing Obama's cool-headed and even-handed affability, as well as the President's endearing tendency to heap superlatives upon the stars of CBS' Monday night lineup. (When he says, "Big fan of the show, by the way," we were immediately reminded of the time he cornered Cobie Smulders at a D.C. press luncheon, his breath reeking of cheap Chardonnay as he gushed how she "held the delicate HIMYM chemistry in balance." Sadly, that encounter was all too real.)