Let's Just Kick Out All of the Real World Cast Members
After last night's episode of The Real World saw the near-eviction of another two housemates (CJ and Derek, who avoided jail time after a fight with a passerby) on a season where two cast members have already been banished, I thought: Why stop there? As part of my court mandate to stop being polite and start getting real, I propose a change: Let's boot every member of the Real World: Cancun cast out of the house, and not just the ones who don't show up to work (Joey) or the ones who almost kill hotel patrons with a hurled fire extinguisher (Bronne). Here's how we can make it happen.
Last night, CJ and Derek went to jail after getting into a fight with a stranger, but were bailed out in time for CJ to make his NFL tryout. There's still potential here! I say Bunim-Murray Productions dredge up the brawl victim, tape him with a roller-blade smashed into his skull, and blame it on the twosome. There will be a paucity of blond ringlets and homosexuality (respectively) with those two gone, but again, we can visit with them when they move into their new apartment in West Cancun Adjacent. With a pinball machine!
Jonna's as-yet-undiscovered birth parents should arrive at the Cancun lodging -- and, oops, they're white supremacists. Through old clips of Jonna winking and laughing, MTV should successfully convey that she is delighted by their ideology and wants to set up scary bonfires with them in Skokie, IL. Even MTV can't tolerate those shenanigans. To Cancun Heights with you, Jonna!
Jasmine and Emilee, the most moribund members of the household, should walk down the boardwalk for seafood, only to discover (oh, no) a murder. After exchanging glances, the girls decide Joey has just flown back to Cancun to play a joke on them, so they pass up the entrails and settle in for some succulent crab meat. Cancun's Good Samaritan laws require that you report homicides immediately, and a busybody meter maid has unfortunately witnessed their ignorance. Dank lodgings in the Cancun Falls Penitentiary await.
Ayiiia, the Hooters waitress who is very concerned about being "judged," needs to be hit with a lawsuit by Bunim-Murray's suits, who claim she violates the company's "Consonant-Deficient First Name" clause. She will now have to be judged by an actual judge, which forces Ayiiia into an Elia Kazan-like seclusion and a one-bedroom cabana in Cancun Cucamonga.
If we still insist on filming them after all relocation is complete, I suggest we give every cast member (aside from the boring, now-incarcerated ones) an RV. They can find each other near famous landmarks, and we can have Road Rules back. Sounds like justice to me.