Cheetos + Obama + Execution Squads = Victoria Jackson's Best Rant Ever?


Every now and then, SNL alum and born-again neocon commentator Victoria Jackson will break out with a screed about America's fraying sociocultural fabric. Some are better than others, but for sheer, aromatic stream-of-consciousness batshittery, she may have outdone herself with her most recent column at the right-wing culture repository Big Hollywood.

Of course, BH is home to some of the sharpest critical minds in the business (you know who you are, Carl Kozlowski), so it's only reasonable to expect Jackson to raise her game as Washington's inefficiency and public dismay both reach dizzying new highs. People are angry! They need a hero! Alas, Jackson isn't it, but she is an admittedly unemployable actress/comedienne with a perspective worth considering -- particularly as it's set forth in her brand-new essay, "Cheetos (Poor People Need Fathers Not Government Programs)." To wit, a few prime excerpts:

I'm sitting in a waiting room. I'm waiting for my auditioning squad to execute me. I'm wearing my black and red plaid, $1400 St. John audition outfit. I've worn it to every audition for six years. It has a small hole in it. I hope they don't notice. I have time to kill so I'm trying to crawl inside the head of a liberal. [...]

I saw a real fat girl once, slowly walking down the middle of an empty street in a "poor" neighborhood. She was eating from a bag of Cheetos. I was in my car at a stop light, watching her. I thought maybe no one told her that Cheetos make you fat, or maybe her life is so sad that that bag of Cheetos is the highlight of her day. Sometimes, Cheetos is the highlight of my day. I said a little prayer for her. Then, she dropped the empty bag in the middle of the street.

My empathy dissipated. [...]

That Cheetos girl probably doesn't have a father. And, no amount of government assistance, housing, food stamps, free college, or ObamaCare can give her that. She needs a father.

Obama didn't have a father. Maybe that's why he sees the government as Daddy.

Emphasis hers. If "Cheetos girl" isn't a conservative meme by lunchtime, then they're just not paying attention.

· Cheetos (Poor People Need Fathers Not Government Programs) [Big Hollywood]


  • Victor Ward says:

    So, Victoria is, basically, just sending in an old Britney sighting?

  • Guy Whitey Corngood says:

    If you think VJ's diatribe is disturbing, I highly recommend you scroll down Big Hollywood blvd. a little further and read some asshole's post about how Woodstock was, and I quote: "Hurricane Katrina" with music. Actually, don't.

  • stolidog says:

    How fat must a girl be to be beyond Victoria Jackson fat?

  • Jerebo says:

    Big Hollywood is still bitter that Cannon Films is no longer in business.

  • Kittenhead says:

    An outfit from St. John? Real conservatives shop from the Talbot's Catalog and have secret drinking problems, just like Barbara Bush.

  • kellbell says:

    She was unemployable long before that St. John suit was new.

  • PageBailey says:

    I assumed CheetoGirl was a character from one of those made-up movies in "UHF"... Conan the Librarian, anyone?
    When Weird Al starts writing ludicrous conservative diatribes, let me know.