Six Other People Who Won't Be Playing Catwoman
Say what you will about the British tabloids' record of accuracy in "reporting" Hollywood news (and you will likely say: "They will be correct the day that Big Ben hurtles into the sun straddled Dr. Strangelove-style by a tiara-swinging Queen Elizabeth") but they show a reliable flair for above-the-title moves so flashy that the average, risk-averse casting director dare not consider them without risking instant death by aneurysm. Squeezing off a tiny, nourishing drop of wholly invented bullshit into the parched mouths of movie and pop-culture bloggers who've been wandering the late-August news-desert in search of something, anything, to sustain them, the Sun today "reported" that comely Transformers robot-bait Megan Fox has "signed up" to play the next Catwoman. Great fake news! In the interest of keeping this particular nonsense-ball rolling, Movieline breaks down some other people who, like Megan Fox, also will not be playing Catwoman in the next Batman movie:
1. Angelina Jolie
If Megan Fox's name can be thrown into the imaginary Catwoman mix, then why not the name of the bonafide international superstar to whom Fox is often compared? Oh, because Jolie's name already allegedly came up for the part a year ago? Well, that shouldn't stop us from bringing it up again. If there's a curve-accentuating leather suit to be worn and some sado-masochistic weaponry to be whipped about, Jolie's always going to be on the shortlist. (And eventually reject the gig because she's got to fly Maddox and Pax to their traveling youth soccer team's game in Bhutan.)
Proposed tabloid headline: "Angie Finally Ready To Purr As Catwoman!"
2. Dakota Fanning
The former child actress is already moving into more mature roles as she grows up on-screen before our very eyes, so what better showcase to erase the memory of the eerily poised moppet of War of the Worlds and Man on Fire than playing Batman's nemesis-cum-love-interest? By the time the film actually reaches theaters, she'll be 17 or 18, safely in an age range that will allow horny film critics to express their feelings about Fanning's bold leap into cinematic maturity. Unfortunately, by 2011 or 2012, the incredibly ambitious star will have segued from acting to a directorial career, actively developing a much-clamored-for reimagining of Little Man Tate.
Proposed tabloid headline: "Teen Dakota In Talks To Be Batman's Jailbait Kitten!!"
3. Renee Zellweger
Zellweger's people are still waiting for Warner Bros. executives to return a call from 2002.
Proposed tabloid headline: "Renee Zellweger's Publicist Promised Us An Exclusive On 'Bridget Jones 3' If We'd Float Her Name For Catwoman! So, Zellweger Might Be Catwoman, Maybe!!! OK, We Can't Do This. We Just Can't. Let The Daily Mirror Be Their Filthy Little Whore This Time. We're Going Back To Cosmetology School, This Is Getting Undignified."
4. Joan Rivers
Still riding the buzz of her recent Comedy Central roast by lifelong pals like Greg Giraldo, Tom Arnold and Mario Cantone, Rivers has to be a part of any totally invented conversation regarding high-profile comic book movie roles. In fact, Rivers seems to have been preparing for this opportunity for years, undergoing a near-constant string of cosmetic procedures to render her facial features more chillingly feline, perhaps misunderstanding that Catwoman isn't actually a character who resembles a terrifying housecat.
Proposed tabloid headline: "Hollywood's Favorite Foul-Mouthed Cat-Lady Signs On As Latest Catwoman!"
5. Octomom/Kate Gosselin (pick one)
Really, it's just a coin flip to decide which tragically fertile tabloid baby-factory would move more checkout-line product if someone were to hint Hollywood came calling with a huge part to kick off their inevitable stab at an acting career.
Proposed tabloid headline: "New [Octo/Kate] Catwoman Demands On-Set Day Care To Tend To Her Litter!"
6. Zac Efron
Things can get a bit weird with the tabloids sometimes. Long nights, tight deadlines, a little blow...you know how it is.
Proposed tabloid headline: "Zac Attack!!! Cheeky Efron To Gender-Bend For Controversial Catwoman Role!"