True Blood Recapped: Wii're Not In Bon Temps Anymore

Episode 10: New World in My View

We've now had a week to recover from last week's stunning finale, featuring Godric's self-immolation on the roof of a Dallas-area Costco in the name of Our Vampire Sins. He may have only lasted three episodes, but he'll be in our hearts forever, and people will undoubtedly twist his words for millenia to suit their particular, bigoted needs at any given moment. This week's action-packed episode, meanwhile, begins with Eric shedding tears of blood as Sookie consoles him. The two engage in a passionate kiss. Fangs are bared. Not surprisingly, it was all a dream. Sookie and Eric probably won't actually do it until the season finale, just two short episodes away.

Sookie and Jason get a limo van ride back into town, and something is clearly amiss in Bon Temps. First off, someone defaced the town sign to read "Welcome to Bone Temps. Fuck Off," and one of the arms in the W is made to look like an erect penis and balls. A fire alarm is ringing, store fronts are looted, and a man is whacking his head again a pillar repeatedly. Basically, Bon Temps looks a lot like the corner of Hollywood and Cahuenga. Two black-eyed freaks run in front of the van, doing a lot more damage to the windshield than two people hit by a car yet still standing should do, and announce their need to find Sam.

[Pause to dance to theme song.]

Maryann is busy building the most fabulous Christmas wreath of all time, full of pricey cuts of meat, ofal, wild birds, dried flowers, childhood photographs, unsold Paris Hilton records, etc. Carl the Towel-Obsessed Houseboy seems newly invigorated by the craft project, while Eggs just wants to know where to drape the roast beef curtains.

Sam is hiding out in Detective Andy's liquor-bottle-strewn studio apartment, where he explains that Maryann wants to cut out his heart while naked people watch. Arlene calls frantically, saying the whole town's gone nuttier than a couple of weasels doing the doe-see-doe in a refurbished Cuisinart. (I just made that up!) Back at Bill's house, Hoyt, Jessica, Bill, Jason and Sookie try to make sense of what's become of Hoyt's mom, who has gone black-eyed and horny for Jason (line forms over there, Hoyt's mom!). They manage to keep her pacified with a Wii, which she's surprisingly good at. Aww, cute -- her Mii looks just like Possessed Hoyt's Mom! Jason pledges that this is the monster war he's been training for, and heads into battle.

Sam and Andy creep into Merlotte's, which turns out to have been a trap. He's surrounded by townsfolk, and the two find themselves locked inside the walk-in refrigerator. Tara, meanwhile, is tied to a chair as cousin Lafayette and her momma, Fantasia Barrino, look on with concern. Tara headbutts her mom and laughs in their faces. Tara says, "He's coming. He's on his way. And he's going to kill us all." Scary!

Sookie and Bill walk up to the giant smelly meat-wreath outside her house, then saunter through her living room, which is covered in candles and branches and strange figurines you might find at a Pier One or The Maenad Barn. Maryann comes out and declares Sookie's house is now her own. Bill bites Maryann's neck, which doesn't turn out too good for him -- he starts spitting up black liquid. Then Sookie holds her hand to Maryann's face, which produces a light of some kind that seems to overtake Maryann, who just can't stop laughing about the whole thing. There is nothing Maryann doesn't find hilarious! Except when she's crying for no reason. Did you know Maenad is Latin for bipolar? It's true!

Back in Merlotte's cold storage, Andy shares the story of Annie the Nanny, a babysitter who once told about how the one-eyed man is the king in the Kingdom of the Blind. Neither Sam nor Andy nor the audience knows what he's talking about.

Jason, meanwhile, has gone full-on black-eyed-zombie-killing commando. He straps on a chainsaw and stalks the gross old-people orgy in the dining room. There's lots of body mustard shots and knee-licking and parmesan-snorting going on, which is a lot more vulgar than it sounds. Jason then threatens everyone with his chainsaw, and slices the stereo in half. He takes Arlene hostage with a nail gun, and Terry has the presence of mind to discourage him from going through with it, despite the cheers and encouragement of everyone, including Arlene. He breaks Sam and Andy out of the cooler, and the three come face-to-face with Terry and the black-eyed mob. Sam sacrifices himself to their Sam-hungry needs.

Tara chants something that sounds like "Buenos noches, Caracas" over and over, as Bill scares off a college girl who's shown up to buy some V juice from Lafayette. Sookie comes in and sees Tara tied to the chair, and is promptly called a stupid cunt. She tries to read her mind but can't make a connection. Tara says mean, exorcist-y stuff to her ("Your grammy sucks cocks in Hell! No really! I saw her! 'Grammy Head,' they call her!") Bill steps in for a little vampire mindmeld.

Sam, meanwhile, is tied spread-eagle to the hood of a car, as Jason shows up shirtless and in a gas mask and throwing road flares, and everything starts looking a lot like Frankie Goes to Hollywood video all of a sudden. They mime a smiting (after Jason finally figures out what the word "smite" means), and Sam turns himself into a fly. (I think. It was small. Might have been an aphid. Or a silverfish.) That seems to satisfy the crowd, who head back into Merlotte's. Sam transforms back into a human and emerges in an apron and nothing else, and we get a nice clear shot of his ass. Detective Andy takes a long swig of whiskey to push down the funny feelings.

The vampire exorcism seems to work, as Tara's eyes go white again and she stops calling Sookie a stupid cunt. Bill asks Sookie if she could conjure that anti-Maenad power again. She's not sure if she can. Hoyt's mom has grown tired of Wii, and opts instead to taunt her son about his "penguin dick." (I'm not exactly sure what this is, but it made me imagine Hoyt's penis looking extra-dapper in a tiny tuxedo.)

Bill enters a fancy room after penetrating several layers of door men, and addresses someone unseen who is reclining in a bathtub that appears to be leaking blood. He calls her "your Highness." And I know what you're thinking, but it's not Courtney Love. Think real hard. It'll come to you.

End. Of. (46-Minute, what a rip) Episode!



Comments

  • I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants to get up a boogie to the theme song. Let us dance together, Seth! Dance!
    Jason can be the God Who Comes (On Me) any time. There was something very fetish-hot about him shirtless with a gas mask on.
    45-minute-episode = Worst. Penguin Dick. Ever! Don't do that again, show!

  • dollywould says:

    I am very much enjoying possessed Terry Bellefleur, I have to say.
    My favorite line of the night: "Bullshit. God has horns."

  • whoneedslight says:

    FANTASIA BARRINO!!! I spit beer.

  • Mikeylikestv says:

    And 46 minutes is an effing stretch. Including the creepy 'stay at home' promo and the extra-long, Godric knife-twisty recap, it barely cracked a standard network run time. Apparently, it's just TV.

  • James says:

    Wow really? A picture of Hoyt's Mom attacking her son as the main picture of the post instead of a screen capture of shirtless Jason with his gas mask on, trying to be Bacchus? I'm very disappointed in you guys. If you want a higher gay viewership, go with what works.

  • MaxwellEdison says:

    Meh. It's still sub-Buffy.

  • stolidog says:

    I think the virgin princess ripping into her potential mother-in-law deserves mention.

  • stretch65 says:

    Chris Issak needs to cover the theme song at his upcoming Greek Theatre performance

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