Oh Snap, Big Brother Depends on Token Gay for Sassy Commentary


Last night's Big Brother marked the calm after the storms wrought by Hurricane Ka-Chima and emotional drinker Lydia. Suddenly lacking houseguests that will destroy microphones or engage in angry steroid sex, the Big Brother editors worked overtime to assemble a shirtless Jeff montage and manipulate a no-stakes poker game into a strangely anticlimactic fight. To tie these heavily butchered sequences together and keep viewers from switching the channel, producers tapped the only charismatic player left in the house for an episode-long commentary full of snaps, tone inflections and dramatic eye rolls.

Mixing and matching from a producer-approved bank of popular slang phrases, Kevin gave the play-by-play on the HOH competition:

"Oh snap. I am trying to get my grub on this week and not sleep in that Have-Not room and I'm trying not to have cold showers. So that put a little fire underneath my feet and I was hustling even harder at that point."

"Apparently I'm dropping it like it's hot because I'm doing pretty good, I got the technique down. Cans are going into the tubes. I need to keep this momentum going."

"Uhh! Of course Russell is going to use a gold can on me. Throwing hateration on me but you know, I'm still going to win this. And I'm going to take this minute, a little break, a little breather and then still take this home."

"Russell stopped me with a can so you know I'm like, 'I need to pause him for a minute.' Revenge is a biznatch."

"When Jordan announces that Jeff only has two more cans, I'm thinking 'Oh, hellz no.' I need to step it up, step up the game. I need to win this."

To inject the show with a little sex, Kevin plays up his attraction to Jeff in between sighs, playful fanning and forehead wiping:

"The coolest part about seeing Jeff's HOH room is seeing his pictures of hotness. Just various stages of hotness in Jeff's life."

"Let me tell you, Jeff is this sexy shirtless gardener, watering it with his hose. [Groan] If I had to hire a gardener, Jeff would be the kind of gardener I'd want mowin' my lawn."

Finally, Kevin sing-songs his complaints about his week's Have-Nots:

"I think it's not fair that [Russ and Michele] got churros and chitlins because I got squid and squash, both completely unedible. Churros are yummy. You get those at amusement parks and fun times."