14-Second New Moon Teaser: Team Edward Will Not Be Pleased


The latest New Moon teaser is out this morning, offering a 14-second spot that makes The Lovely Bones's infamous trailer-for-a-trailer look like Lawrence of Arabia in comparison. I'm not talking strictly about breadth, either. This could just as easily have been pulled from an afterschool special about sexual abuse as a supernatural teen love triangle between a human, a vampire and a werewolf -- not least of all because there's no Robert Pattinson.

I can hear Team Edward booing from here: Just when they got an earlier teaser and poster that suggested their pasty, hemo-craving heartthrob might yet find a place in the Twilight sequel -- whose source novel dealt largely with wolfcake Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and confused Bella (Kristen Stewart) -- he's virtually nowhere to be found here. You can't be too convinced of Team Jacob's victory either, at least not with line readings like "I know what he did to you, Bella, and I will never hurt you" dripping with the sort of venal insincerity a therapist in a Todd Solondz film might whisper to get in a patient's pants.

And you don't even want to know how Bella replies. Jacob never even turns into a wolf! Sheesh. Is 14 seconds even a long enough duration of time to be allowed to demand back?

VERDICT: What a gyp.