In Theaters: G.I. Joe By Dylan Dakota Banana Murphy, Age 10

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Dylan Dakota Banana Murphy lives in Mankato, MN, where he is enrolled in Mrs. Kozolowski's 4th grade class at St. Sebastian's Elementary. In addition to film criticism, he is on the soccer team and the founding member of the YouTube club. His favorite movie is a toss-up between "Max Payne" and "Step Brothers", and his favorite band is Metallica. Because we completely lost our inner 10-year-olds somewhere in the Mall of America in late '80s, we asked Dylan to review "G.I. Joe" for us.

GI Joe: The Rise of Puke in my Mouth!

By Dylan Dakota Banana Murphy

Ok, like, I know my dad and all you hipster peeps totes got into GI Joe way back in the 60's or whatever and that's cool. I mean, I guess all you did was sit around and play with these dolls and watch your 3 TV channels NOT in color. Lame. I prob woulda killed myself. Anyway, Paramount went balls to the wall trying to get the "youth" into this stuff. Thanks to my monthly movie review in the St. Sebastians's Elementary Observer (shout out: Dylan's Hot Flix! woot woot!), they flew me and my staff to Paris for a junket, or whatever that is, and a special private screening.

B4 I get all into the movie, let me just say GI Joe, you are not Transformers. I know you want to be. I mean, c'mon. Transformers is the shiznit! Megan Fox and flippin robots, what's not to love? Anyway, the movie is all about these pretty freaky warheads called nanomytes that this freaky mask-wearing doctor made. Now, these nanomytes are like tiny little bugs that can eat anything. Like anything! Tanks, airplanes, people, the Effeil Tower (later!)...you name it.

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So, like, obviously you don't want these bedbugs getting into the wrong hands.....buuuuuut, guess what!? So this guy from Step Up (Duke) is supposed to be some hotshot army dude and he's got the weapons but pretty quickly, we find out the guy who made the warheads to sell to governments around the world is also our bad guy, McCullen/Destro. He says he wants to use these weapons to mess up the world and take all the power. Ok, cool. So he uses his lady they call the Baroness/Ana (but my mom calls "The Homewrecker"). The Baroness is majorly PO'ed cuz her little brother got all blown up in a war when Duke was supposed to protect him. Anyway, Duke and Ana used to be boyfriends/girlfriends but after her brother got axed now she's gone to the dark side.

So, Duke and his BFF Ripcord chase them other all around and blow a lot of crap up when really they could just kill each other and get it over with. Then this McCullen and the Baroness decided to destroy a city so they help their plan and go after Paris (omg, that's why we're here! cool!). The Joes try to stop them b4 they do and they put on these Iron Man suits. Like, what movie do you want to be? You are NOT Iron Man, GI Joe! They totally release these nanomytes on the city and do some major carnage....buh-bye Effeil Tower! It's a pretty rad scene, I gotta admit, but some of the FX look like stuff out of Mortal Kombat - (the video game not the movie, wurd :P)

After parts of Paris bite the dust, the Joes aren't allowed to do their Joe-ing anymore but of course there wouldn't be a movie so they have to get back together and go after that whore who has the weapons and Duke as her hostage. There's some boring stuff in the middle but towards the end, they expect us to believe there's this secret bad guy hideout under the polar ice caps. Like, hello? That's supposed to be like impossibly cold. How could you even build stuff down there? Even this ten year old ain't buyin it! So, they've got this big under water battle between the Joes and these bad guys with all these explosions - underwater - and now that Homewrecker lady is a good guy because she was just under the spell of these nanomytes. Yawn.

Like, this movie is aight but I def wouldn't spend my lawn mowing money on it. If my mom or dad were paying, sure. But like GI Joe people, just stop ripping off other movies, man! It's not cool. Iron Man is awesome and transformers is the bomb but they got it covered on cool weapons and stuff. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra only makes me wanna rise up outta my seat to sneak into The Hangover again. C U l8s!

Rating: 3 Megan Foxes out of 10.



Comments

  • Colander says:

    I've kind of been waiting for this, without realizing it was this I was waiting for. You know?

  • rodger says:

    This 10-year-old writes like a 14-year-old! Book deal?

  • Inigo Montoya says:

    Is there still an opening on 'At the Movies?' This kid is way better than Ben Lyons.

  • stolidog says:

    what's the deal with this...is it real? cuz that was totesmazing.

  • LizzieLemonic says:

    I really hope this child does not exist.
    But you have me half-convinced...I do know some children like this, their parents think they are savvy and funny and cute...I think they will be the downfall of society.

  • sweetbiscuit says:

    Oh, Diablo, you scamp!

  • Chicago Sometimes says:

    You had me at the pic, you magnificent bastards. You had me at the pic.
    God, don't look too hard at that creepy-looking little shit. He can see into my soul.

  • Lowbrow says:

    I'd just like to note that I greatly appreciated the epithet of “whore” in regards to Sienna Miller.
    D.D. Banana Murphy FTW.

  • Odm says:

    No 10 year old talks like that. Not even 10 year olds who stare at you with vacant, glowing red eyes.
    That being said, the review's hilarious.

  • Rick Beckman says:

    I'm supposed to believe the movie critiques of a kid who cites "Step Brothers" as a favorite?
    That's a Fail of a Fail if ever a Fail there was.
    I guess it's a good thing this is pretty obviously satire.

  • of it was a long shot to flash a little crushed against a cliff before drowning in the whole. I saw two or maybe they finally realized the hole was the end it will certainly made that were excluded along the lip of the holewill open for text like my washing machine to this day I don't understand how we managed to swipe a little shield of water perfectly well missed the whole will get a shot and we didn't even get one very exciting but making sure one of the guys around

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