True Blood Recapped: 'My Brother! My Son! He's My Brother AND My Son!'
Season 2 Episode 5: "Never Let Me Go"
You know when you really like someone, and just really hit it off, and you can't really put your finger on why, and then they pull you into the woods and turn into Bambi, and you realize that the fact that they spread Lyme disease just like you do is the erotic glue that bonds the two of you together? Well, that's what Sam found out at the start of this week's episode of True Blood, when Daphne revealed she's a shape-shifter too. It really turned Sam on, and be probably would have mounted her had Terry and Arlene not sauntered by and ruined everything.
Back at the Telepathic W Hotel Dallas, Sookie tries in vain to bond with Barry the Bellhop, who's reluctant to swap vampire mind-reading tips. Disappointed, she returns to the hotel room, where Bill lectures her about Vampire Responsibility for the 157th time, and Sookie seems entirely unconcerned that Jessica the Sulky Tween Vampire is sitting in the next room as she strips down to her nightie and seduces Count Studula. Jessica calls up Hoyt the tranny-chaser, and they share lovey-doveys over the phone.
Soldiers of the Sun recruit Jason Stackhouse is pulled out of bed at dawn and forced to do boot camp exercises in an adorable L.O.D.I. (Light of Day Institute) sweatsuit that we'll assume in available in the HBO online store. At Sookie's place, Eggs and Tara bask in the-morning-afterglow by staring at the terribly Photoshopped photo of Sookie's grandma. Eggs cuddles Tara in his manly embrace.
A similarly satisfied and relaxed-looking Sookie corners Barry again, and like Yoda, coaches him in harnessing the power of his telepathy by helping him shut out a woman's thoughts about a botched Brazilian wax. (I suddenly feel a wave of sympathy for telepaths.) Over at Merlotte's, Daphne the Inept Waitress Who Tastes Like Venison is bullied by Arlene, and Lafayette wanders back in, dressed like Steve Nicks if she was in the Crips. Sam offers him back his job.
Maryann shows up at Sookie's place assuming she'll be allowed to move in. This raises a red flag in Tara's mind, for the first time apparently, because the massive orgies in which the entire town shows up to smear food all over their naked bodies as the whites of their eyes turn black didn't really set off any alarms.
Back at Fellowship of the Sun's Light of Day Institute Soldiers of the Sun training (geez -- pick a name and stick to it, will you people?), Jason demonstrates once again why he's Reverend Steve's favorite by lending a hand to Jealous Luke. Later that night, Steve reveals an anti-vampire-weapon artillery stash that would make Charlton Heston blush.
Outside Merlotte's, Maryann sits parked in a car. Just as Maryann has the power to induce mass orgiastic ecstasy, she similarly can induce mass PMS, as everyone inside Merlotte's is a raging bitch.
Now we get to the crown jewel of this week's episode: Jason's Sponge Bath. Sarah the Reverend's wife enters, delivers some Jesusy talk as she caresses his sinewy body with a shower scrunchie, then gives him a hand job. (I think, it was out of camera frame.)
Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: High, for Ryan Kwanten Being Caressed with a Shower Scrunchie Then Given a Hand Job
Back at the Dallas vampire summit, Eric, Bill, Sookie and Melania Trump argue over what to do about missing vampire Godric. A flashback to medieval times shows a very different, pre-foil-highlights and shopping-at-Loehmann's Eric. He's dying in battle, and his last wish is that he be surrounded by women. Godric the Boy Vampire King hops over to his death campsite, slaughters the other soldiers, and reveals to Eric that he'd been observing him on the battlefield. Things get really, really gay for a moment, as Eric's dying wish appears to be swirling down the terlet and Godric -- rocking fierce tribal tattoos -- invites him to be his Lifetime Undead Companion. "I'll be your father, your brother, your child," he says, in medieval Romanian or Yiddish, it's hard to tell the two apart. And so it is done. Back in present time, Bill is shocked to learn that Godric is Eric's maker.
Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: High, for Eric and Godric's bodily-fluid swappage/marriage commitment ceremony.
OK last act speed round: Sam and Daphne do each other on the pool table, and compliment each other's breasts and testicles. Sookie finds out Barry the Bellhop quit his job. Something about Maryann's frumpy-housefrau look makes her mole a lot more noticeable. Eggs has giant muscle-boobs. Sookie pledges to Bill to infiltrate Fellowship of the Sun Light of Day Institute Soldiers of the Sun to find out what happened to Godric. They celebrate with more sex, as Kara DioGuardi (I always suspected she was a vampire) wanders down the W Dallas hallway and bares her fangs.
END OF EPISODE!