Gwyneth Paltrow: The Movieline Intervention

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I don't know about you, but if I worked out for THREE HOURS A DAY, I would probably eat ice cream for dinner, because why not? Gwyneth Paltrow, on the other hand, trains exactly that hard with the woman who sculpted Madonna's terrifying arms and with whom she is opening a gym, yet she still devoted her latest GOOP newsletter to a detox cleanse she had to take to drop unwanted pounds.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a 36-year-old Oscar winner. She does not know she will soon face a Movieline intervention.

First, a bit of career advice. Gwyneth, you were so close to pulling off a comeback! To the letter, you followed the Female Mega-Celebrity Playbook: fame, an incipient backlash, a fall from grace in the court of public opinion, then a humbled return to the spotlight cheered by the same people who had at one time rooted against you. It's a plan that can work: Just ask Mariah Carey or Hillary Clinton!

However, Gwyneth, you seem determined to burn through the goodwill that your supporting role in Iron Man engendered by freaking out America with your constant diet-and-exercise obsession. Yes, America is fat (too many Any'tizers!). You, on the other hand, are not fat. And I don't mean that in the "You're not fat because you exercise, kudos!" way, I mean that in the "You're not fat, stop exercising so much" way.

Here is the text from your latest GOOP missive:

As I write this, I am finishing the amazing three-week-long "Clean" detox program detailed below. Designed by New York cardiologist and detoxification specialist Dr. Alejandro Junger, this program allowed me to work and exercise regularly, something I cannot do if I am on a liquid-only detox. I followed it to the letter and I can report that it worked wonders. I feel pure and happy and much lighter (I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly fun and delicious "relax and enjoy life phase" about a month ago). I also really enjoyed learning about the incredible health benefits of resting your digestive system, etc. This thing is amazing. And don't forget to ask your doctor if a cleanse is right for you.

I'm guessing my doctor will say, "No, it isn't!" But let's leave that aside and focus on the extra pounds you gained from a "relax and enjoy life phase a month ago." A phase! GP, what the hell? You've got millions in Coldplay money and A View from the Top residuals, you act a few weeks a year on an Iron Man movie, and you WORK OUT THREE HOURS A DAY. If you need to assign yourself a "relax and enjoy life" phase, then you are messing up life things just like you're messing up your comeback.

I know this is rash, but it may be time to send you to a special spa where they prescribe a regimen pioneered by noted nutrition specialist Britney Spears: You eat what you want, then you get lipo, because you have money.

Good luck, Gwyneth. And Blythe Danner? Stop giving her extra cash when she comes around. She's just going to spend that money on an elliptical machine. You know this.



Comments

  • Beppo says:

    Very good, Kyle.

  • John M says:

    My 31-year "relax and enjoy life" phase shows no signs of slowing.

  • Old No.7 says:

    She'd be a lot more attractive when she loses another 180 lbs. (AKA Chris Martin)

  • NoWireHangers says:

    I never wished her good will after Iron Man; I was disappointed that they hadn't cast someone better.
    I guess I hate her. I mean she was a good actress but I always thought she got a leeetle too much credit. And she just won't shut up about diet and exercise. I want to exile her in Bumblefuck, Alabama and force-feed her francheezies.

  • wildeyed says:

    Gwyneth tried to call her "doctor" today but he was being interviewed by the LAPD about Michael Jackson's cleanse routine and couldn't take the call.

  • JudgeFudge says:

    I think this whole excerise/food/sustenance fetish is just a reaction to the horrible sex life she has with Coldplay. The man can't even write a satisfying bridge, let alone satisfy a greek goddess like Gwyn.

  • Well, I'm a Gwyneth enabler from way back. But, even I must admit, she seems to be going the way of Ashley Judd, another beauty with considerable acting chops who's squandering her talent by sitting alongside fashion shows and kissing up to feckless Europeans. And for what? It killed Princess Grace. Very few of the pretty ones get work after forty. So, Gwyneth, I implore you, cut the workouts to one hour a day and spend the other two following Susan Sarandon's career like breadcrumbs in the forest.

  • Colander says:

    The first note on my list of things to do should I become famous is 'put my head up my ass.'
    I absolutely cannot wait!

  • XTRMNTR says:

    Nicely played. And my sentiments exactly.

  • Gallant Patsy says:

    I'd love to try Gwynnie's cleanse myself, but I'm terrified that I'd goop my pants on the way to work.

  • Brilliant Orange says:

    I too have an extraordinary eat-nothing-and-lose-weight-program called Hunger Strike. Get the secret for only TEN DOLLARS!

  • Desk_hack says:

    One month of binging, three weeks of cleanse, rinse & repeat. I look forward to Gwyneth's obit 30 years from now that lists cause of death as liver failure.

  • Lowbrow says:

    Who needs GOOP when you can just pack a Hermès bag full of blow.

  • Victor Ward says:

    I came off the clean diet feeling lighter, more alive, more keenly aware of my bloodlust. I was developing my British accent and placing US Weekly issues inside of copies of The Economist, keeping tabs on Chace Crawford, engineering what I would say to him if he became famous enough to meet me, wondering if Chris would insist on a threesome or if I could fuck him alone. Soon, my 1800petmeds shipment came, and I ate from it like candy, slipping away, fondly remembering the prostitute hanging in my shower from the meat hook I had inserted through the flesh of her breasts.
    Oh, well. At least she's not Chloe Sevigny.

  • Victor Ward says:

    For clarity's sake, that's what I imagine her goop posts are like before running through the publicist.

  • kellbell says:

    Gwynnie has become a tedious bore.

  • sweetbiscuit says:

    Brilliant.

  • MA says:

    I think it might be time for "Best Of" Goop? Every one of Gwynnie's missives is a gut-busting example of celebrity sanctimony gone wild! My favorite -- apart from the WTF-is-she-serious? first one -- was her reference to her hard-rocking Hamptons buddy... give it up ladies and gentleman, for Mr William Joel! But any time GOOP prattles on ever-so modestly about speaking Spanish to the waiters she's know since birth at that darling little Tapas place in Soho (London!)... well, my day is brightened just that little bit.
    But, yes, Kyle, if she keeps with the detox-diet rubbish she'll go out the same way she came into our consciousness -- Flesh & Bone.

  • raincoaster says:

    She's so weak she can't even remember when her period of decadence took place. "About a month ago" is about the same length of time she's been on this cleanse, so I expect what she's really talking about is she had two glasses of wine and a slice of cheese for lunch on June 9th.

  • Molly says:

    Here, here!

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  • I used to be an old advocate of Atkins diet before I knew what I now know, so nowadays I do not recommend Atkins high protein and fat diet for long term but would always recommend a "high- nutrition" 96% VEGAN diet replacing most meat with lentils - but many people will not do this. Sooo even though I give a diet plan in PS1 below, let me share a little first to help you understand how losing and gaining weight can best be done to be stronger and healthier for the long term.

  • Again, you don't need any expensive equipment for this exercise. Just do it for a few minutes at a time. You can repeat it many times during the day. You can jump rope in between other work or household chores. You don't have to set aside a large chunk of time for this exercise and you don't need any expensive equipment for this. This exercise can help in burning up a lot of energy and at the same time, it can make you feel active and energetic.

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