The 9 Most Scathing Critical Responses to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Michael Bay has never been one to embrace or even read film critics, and with the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, those aggrieved legions are returning the favor. And while the film is altogether review-proof, that's not going to stop some of its most determined foes from attempting to smother it in its crib. After the jump, have a look at some of the most amusingly vicious rebukes to the summer's biggest blockbuster to date.

9. "My son does not own any Transformer dolls. I'm sorry, make that Transformer action figures. But if he did, upon my return from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I would have taken these Hasbro toys outside, placed them under the wheels of the car and driven back and forth across them until they were ground into dust." -- Mary Pols, Time Magazine

8. "Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets." -- Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid

7. "At 149 minutes, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is six minutes longer than the 2007 noise machine from which this sequel sprang, but those six minutes are like dog minutes." -- Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune

6. "Fallen indulges Bay's excesses well past the point of reason to deliver the male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass." -- Garth Franklin, Dark Horizons

5. "It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay's pornography: massive, fiery money-shots. The bigger the fireball, the more he gets his rocks off. I hope he had a sufficient supply of tissues in the editing room." -- Marshall Fine, Hollywood and Fine

4. "This is the same man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust made a better deal." Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

3. "I don't have much nice to say about Transformers 2, but I'm happy to see my Park Slope neighbor John Turturro get another big paycheck." -- David Edelstein, New York Magazine

2. "I'm certain that someday it will be acknowledged that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is like the most totally awesome artifact ever of the end of the American empire. It's so us, a preposterously perfect reflection of who we are: loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent... and in love with ourselves for it. [...] What we have right here is the Easter Island statue of our legacy." -- MaryAnn Johanson, FlickFilosopher

1. "Terry Schiavo would have been bored by this bloated, ponderous piece of shit." -- Devin Faraci, CHUD

Sounds great! Feel free to protest or join the chorus below.



Comments

  • Jan Rodriguez says:

    “I’m certain that someday it will be acknowledged that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is like the most totally awesome artifact ever of the end of the American empire. It’s so us, a preposterously perfect reflection of who we are: loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent… and in love with ourselves for it. […] What we have right here is the Easter Island statue of our legacy.” — MaryAnn Johanson, FlickFilosopher
    ..And that is why it was so much fun to watch! Pop culture rocks! ...and if you haven't noticed, Devastator clearly showed some balls in one scene! (**my sons were laughing!)
    “Terry Schiavo would have been bored by this bloated, ponderous piece of shit.” — Devin Faraci, CHUD
    Devin, shut up and enjoy the movie.
    It's quite intriguing why a film made to entertain is so much criticized when all they need to do is sit back and enjoy the show. What's $9 to you? a large popcorn? a cup of Starbuck's?

  • hixlespilk says:

    I'm partial to Pajiba's review, which starts out: "I realize I’m stating the obvious here, but it bears elucidation in light of this review because it’s the single biggest driving force behind Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Michael Bay has a profoundly tiny dick."
    http://www.pajiba.com/film_reviews/transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen-review.php

  • gurgonikasdw says:

    I don't think any critics were expecting a Schindler's List, they were expecting a movie with a trace of value of any kind.
    Some people who are defending Tranformers are essentially saying: the critics should expect the movie to be a piece of crap, so therefore the critics have no right to criticize the movie for being a piece of crap. It's not great logic. Here we go, if you like shiny things go see this movie. There's my review.

  • ES says:

    P.C. - MaryAnn Johanson's comment was not intended to imply that every American shares those qualities. Her generalization of the negatives of our popular culture (not individual) was an intentional writing device to emphasize how the film reflects everything wrong with America's popular media and culture.

  • figtakari says:

    The critics are just doing what they are being paid to do. If the movie is really not up to 'dramatic' standards...they HAVE to report that [in their own way of course]. Even if they secretly did enjoy that 149 mins, they can't say so .... they have their reputations at stake [and the knowledge that other critics will be reading their work]. Micheal Bay doesn't bother with these guys because at the end of the day his movies make money ...consistently. I'm no big fan of his, but let's call it what it is , if his movies sucked that bad, word would get around by whatever media, about it , and at the end of the day it would bomb.That isn't the case is it.Ticket sales are big because lots of people go and see it, then go and tell their friends to go see it, and then opt to go see it again. That's all there is !

  • Keith C says:

    all of you people that are complaining about what this movie says about our culture must remember that movies are fictional stories that are meant to be outragous and fun. That's what this movie was, i saw it last night and i thought it was great!!! there is nothing wrong with watching a movie with cool cars, alien robots and attractive women, that is the fun of fantasy. Pure and simple great entertainment for the intended demographic! so suck it all you winers out there let us enjoy something genuinely fun for once, it won't hurt i promise.

  • moviesareforfun says:

    often, it is beyond my comprehension that people would expect a movie like transformers to have redeeming qualities beyond big explosions and good looking characters.
    is there something so profoundly wrong with turning your brain off and watching an action adventure?

  • Michael M says:

    It strikes me as quite humorous that all of you wanted some sort of epic story. Of what? Did you not know when you went to the movie that the entire story line of Transformers even in the olden days was robots fighting each other? Why would Michael Bay change that. Did you want a Brokeback romance where the robots fell in love. I also get a kick out of those who say it was "unrealistic". Really? Robots from outer space who have built in scanners and can become any piece of equipment they scan. Now c'mon you cant tell me that's not realistic.
    HA

  • ES says:

    Just like it's not gonna kill you to watch a shallow movie that you might enjoy at times or even all the way through, it's also not gonna kill you that people critique the film. As seen here, it is part of the fun.

  • boricuaintexas says:

    But people can't really turn off their brains, and what they consider fun (or what the people who made this movie consider fun) says a lot about who they are. Fun is not a universal construct devoid of biases.
    Is it funny to see a robot with big, metallic testicles? Is it funny to see Jar Jar Binks 2.0? I do not find either of those funny.

  • RKM says:

    Whenever I read reviews I just remember how almost universally panned Star Wars was when it first came out. A couple months later when it was still drawing huge lines in the theaters reviews some how started coming out positive. Hmmmmm...

  • mike says:

    actually both of those moments were hilarious

  • Kode Dekka says:

    The 80's transformers cartoon was about transforming robots that came to earth and barely interacted with other people in order to gather energy to rebuild their homeworld, also to beat the crap out of each other.
    The movies were about transforming robots that came to earth to gather energy to rebuild their homeworld, also to beat the crap out of each other.
    Can someone tell me why anyone has a problem with with movie, sounds like they got the original plot down pretty well.

  • Luke says:

    Best Movie to date. These reviewers can suck my ballz 😀

  • Jet says:

    Unrealistic. These people have their brains stuffed full of that Reality CRAP they keep putting on TV. Smothering the airways with Reality shows has drained them of their ability to Imagine or Dream of fantastic worlds and creatures which do not exist. The movie was really not all that different from the old cartoon that used to air on a daily basis. Giant transforming robots that try to destroy each other while befriending humans is what your going to get with this story. Bay stayed true even with the minor changes to characters.
    Taking your anger out on your children's toys sure shows the quality of person you are.

  • Tyrone says:

    Michael Bay has given so much to the world. He has created thousands more jobs than the critics who dare to criticize him. Michael Bay is one of the greatest filmmakers and businessmen of all time. His movies have action, not people talking to one another for the whole movie. I'm not being sarcastic either. Special effects, hot people, impressive music, understandable writing. That's the key to a top notch film.

  • Jonathan P says:

    Personally, I loved it. It had awesome action scene, I inherently already care about Optimus and the gang, and I genuinely felt bad when an autobot bit the dust. It's not The Departed, it's a fucking action movie. At the end of the midnight screening, people got up and all clapped at the ending. I went and saw it again last night, at a sold out show.
    These reviewers are asking for way to much on a movie based on robotic car toys. This shit is ridiculous.

  • ryan says:

    Remember that this film is being critiqued by older people and who probably arent to big on big bangs and teenage humor. maybe this film was targeted more to teenagers because this movie is all my friends are talking about. and they say it was great. when I whent there were showings sold out and a line had formed for a showing that doesntstart for an hour and a half. I thought it was aweome.

  • JimBob says:

    Let me guess: you stuck-up twats are grooving on MaryAnn's denouncement of teenage boys everywhere (wait, I'm sorry - "America"), and consider Transformers sexist because a bunch of males save some damsels in distress, per usual. It's no wonder that the birth and marriage rate is plummeting. Who would want to get stuck with bitches so indoctrinated in combativeness and venom?

  • adam says:

    Im sick of the self proclaimed intellectuals, sticking their nose in the air and telling us how this movie represents everything wrong with movies, and America in general. This movie was filmed on the pyramids in Egypt, know why? Because foreign leaders and citizens loved the first one so much they were honored to let them film in their precious landmarks. The massive amounts of poor reviews i've read for this film leave with one impression, film critics are becoming even more out of touch with people. This movie was awesome, it was fun, the plot was incoherent but who cares. ITS BASED OFF A CARTOON and a CHILDRENS TOY... To the people that say the humor and stereotyping was inappropriate, the generation that grew up with Transformers is in late 20's and early 30's.. Not 8 year olds.. LIGHTEN UP

  • Mikey M says:

    There are popcorn movies and there is overbloated pieces of crap which this movie is.

  • joe says:

    is it me or the last 10-20 comments here were written by michael bay under different names lol

  • Tim says:

    As if your user name doesn't scream 'Red-neck' any more than your response, I don't expect you to actually be able to comprehend why something is sexist, or what words other than beer-bong actually mean. But, here is my attempt:
    Transformers 2 is sexist because there is no female presence other than the 'eye-candy' role every women in the film takes on. Other than the Mom, who just acts stupid, irrational, and spews inanity the entire time (great model for women btw), every female in the movie is there just to 'strut her stuff.' Even Fox; Bay hardly added any dimensions to her other than the pretty girl who the hero gets to bang in the end. Women are simply used in this movie as symbols of lust. If you need a more definitive example, just examine the role of the transformer-cyborg girl who tries to seduce LeBeouf. Completely pointless of a character other than to get her in a short skirt that reveals her lace panties.
    But perhaps this is actually your world view of how women should be, and you didn't even notice that this movie was a grievous offense against the definition of an American woman. Its sad that for a large majority of Americans, something like this will go unnoticed, while women in this country are still stuck fighting social expectations that create a belief that its OK to treat women as nothing more than objects of lust, because that is how they were portrayed in this movie.

  • Maurel says:

    Oh. My. GOD. Enough already with the argument that anyone who doesn't like this movie is some kind of intellectual snob who needs to "lighten up" because it's "just a movie" or a "popcorn flick". I LOVE popcorn movies, LOVE LOVE LOVED the first Transformers. Loved Terminator 1 & 2. Loved Speed. Loved Snakes on a Plane.
    HATED Transformers ROTL because it quite simply sucked. It did not entertain me. I don't need a freakin' Shakespearean plot in a movie for it to be fun, but something vaguely resembling a coherent story is WHAT MAKES A MOVIE A MOVIE. Otherwise it's just a bunch of noise.
    I'm not a f**king snob, I hate cappucinos, I love America, I'm crazy about Big Dumb Fun movies, and I thought this movie was a total pile of s**t. That is my opinion and the opinion of many others. It's not a personal attack on YOU, assorted commentors who liked this film. You liked it. I didn't. So what? Why the hell do you all think that because a reviewer didn't like something you liked, it's some kind of insult directed at YOU? And why the hell do you all feel the need to attempt to personally insult the reviewer? Seriously, I have read more nasty, angry, insulting comments from T:ROTL fans toward reviewers - it's amazing. I just do not get it.

  • maca says:

    I wonder what is so wrong about being an object of lust as a woman? I say a lot of power resides in lust, just have to be smart enough to use lust to get that power. This is a movie targeted to the male audience, don't forget that. Boys will be boys.