The 9 Most Scathing Critical Responses to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Michael Bay has never been one to embrace or even read film critics, and with the release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, those aggrieved legions are returning the favor. And while the film is altogether review-proof, that's not going to stop some of its most determined foes from attempting to smother it in its crib. After the jump, have a look at some of the most amusingly vicious rebukes to the summer's biggest blockbuster to date.
9. "My son does not own any Transformer dolls. I'm sorry, make that Transformer action figures. But if he did, upon my return from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I would have taken these Hasbro toys outside, placed them under the wheels of the car and driven back and forth across them until they were ground into dust." -- Mary Pols, Time Magazine
8. "Michael Bay has once again transformed garbage into something resembling a film, at least in the loosest sense: it can be run through a projector and used to sell millions of tickets." -- Jeffrey M. Anderson, Combustible Celluloid
7. "At 149 minutes, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is six minutes longer than the 2007 noise machine from which this sequel sprang, but those six minutes are like dog minutes." -- Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune
6. "Fallen indulges Bay's excesses well past the point of reason to deliver the male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker's ass." -- Garth Franklin, Dark Horizons
5. "It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay's pornography: massive, fiery money-shots. The bigger the fireball, the more he gets his rocks off. I hope he had a sufficient supply of tissues in the editing room." -- Marshall Fine, Hollywood and Fine
4. "This is the same man who directed The Rock in 1996. Now he has made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Faust made a better deal." Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times
3. "I don't have much nice to say about Transformers 2, but I'm happy to see my Park Slope neighbor John Turturro get another big paycheck." -- David Edelstein, New York Magazine
2. "I'm certain that someday it will be acknowledged that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is like the most totally awesome artifact ever of the end of the American empire. It's so us, a preposterously perfect reflection of who we are: loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent... and in love with ourselves for it. [...] What we have right here is the Easter Island statue of our legacy." -- MaryAnn Johanson, FlickFilosopher
1. "Terry Schiavo would have been bored by this bloated, ponderous piece of shit." -- Devin Faraci, CHUD
Sounds great! Feel free to protest or join the chorus below.
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Comments
How about "Kind of suked"
Goodness, take the toys and driven back and forth across them? I sometimes wonder what some of these people were expecting going in to a Michael Bay film.
Ha!
I'm saying Marshall “It finally occurred to me that pyrotechnics are Bay’s pornography" Fine is slow on the uptake.
But the positive reviews are as great.
http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/reviewcomplete.asp?FID=135198
#2 just got real. Transformers defines summer blockbuster, and summer blockbuster defines pure, indulgent, masturbatory American pop culture. And for that reason I will get really excited, sit on the edge of my seat during the midnight opener, and then weep quietly for our civilization.
Terry Schiavo jokes? What, "Where's the Beef" was too outdated?
Wow, MaryAnn Johanson, you just earned yourself a new reader in me. Awesome.
these hater quotes are pretty awesome.
and they pair quite nicely with your surprisingly high-rated review of the movie, plus the very warm, fuzzy, lovefest of an interview with kurtzman & orci. really covering this movie from all angles, aren't we movieline? 🙂 love you guys.
I love the first Transformers movie. It took the preposterous mythology just seriously enough and was even clever in places. Like the first Charlie's Angels flick, I can watch it over and over and still be captivated by the spirit of light, mindless fun.
I had my hopes up that Bay had turned over a new leaf of non-suckage, but it looks like this one's just as in-your-face bad as Charlie's Angels 2. Luckily for me, I enjoy creatively scathing reviews nearly as much as I enjoy mindless, fun movies.
My favorite quote so far, from the above-quoted Chicago Tribune review, is "like listening to rocks in a clothes dryer for 2 ½ hours."
Interesting...on the same day that Transformers 2 is released, the Academy announces that there are now 10 slots open for Best Picture. Sid Ganis, you old Decepticon you! BTW, since when is snorting cocaine of a hooker's ass a bad thing?
I look forward to when this movie in on HBO so I can flip to the porn channel during the dialog scenes.
Agree. Her review is my favorite.
@Anon - Empire Online (and the magazine) always ass-kisses these sorts of movies. Their on-set invites and studio access would dry up if they gave realistic reviews and ratings to this sort of junk.
Sunnydaze, there's dialogue in this movie? That's a surprise...
"male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass."
How is this a negative comment?
this is hard to describe as it's not my native language, but, are there still people out there who really believe that a movie with big robots capable of transforming to cars and construction machines will be able to reach intellectual heights. this is a popcorn movie that shows the progress of CGI-technics made since the late 80s and that's its main purpose. you are not gonna loose your brain because you watched it, you are not going to start taking drugs, stop taking drugs because of it. the fighting scenes do not make you think, war could be a "cool" typical american thing, that's gonna make you start becoming a typical american hero - in fact the war scenes in the two movies to me seemed to show a very cruel (not by shown blood, but as people obviously getting killed by explosions or falling buildings) picture of war, also the scenery that is used in both movies can somehow be compared to those where us-troops are placed in reality at the moment. also megan fox does much more to this movie "than meets the eye", she's not the movies typical "dumb" babe, but a beautiful selfaware young woman, having a life beside of her relationship to the main-character of the movie, doing a job (mechanics) that in no way is typical to girls/women used in stereotypes. does this movie use stereotypes? of course, but when it does, it often plays with them in an ironical way. it's of course no masterpiece and doesn't want to be, but it's also not using tragical historical happenings in a completely "scientifical" cinema fitting wrong way, like "the deviants" does
i just read that empireonline review and if i hadnt actually seen the star rating before i read it i would have based on the review thought they were going to give it less than a 3 (and they should have...)
I can't decide ... is Ebert's comment about "The Rock" praising or mocking? Personally, it took me quite some time to recall that flick after reading Ebert's remarks and I didn't find the reminder welcome.
As a fan of the original series, I dragged myself to the first film despite reading about the cross-promotional contracts signed with GM and the military, which would alter the personas of my favorite characters. A speechless Bumblebee parading around as a Camaro? That can't be good. The very moment that solidified my distaste was a single line from Jazz, "What's crackin' bitches."; All respect for Michael Bay was buried at that point, and happy pills couldn't even get me in line to see the new film.
Hmm, sounds like some people who enjoy the shared delusion that film is more than an entertainment medium don't like examples that don't fall inline with that pretension.
Just because film _can_ be art, does not mean film _is_ art. You work in the entertainment industry, get over it.
Now dance for me monkeys, dance! 😀
It's funny, MaryAnn Johanson (an All-American name if I ever saw one...like, that's so us!): you seem to only note the Hollywood types of things that make Americans stand out to the outsider. When I look at America and Americans I see my father working hours he shouldn't have to just to provide for his family. I see my mother and stepfather building a house from the ground up with their friends. I see my wife lose 90+ lbs to be a healthier mother to our child. I see our child love books rather than Television. I see myself with no cable bill. I see a stack of pictures that I drew by hand that I would never sell and would rather give to those who liked them. I see one day building my daughter a doll house in the woods so she can have a hideaway for her and her friends to skip off to. I see my wife and I able to offer help to our friends in need. I see myself, though working a job that I hate, getting along with my coworkers from all walks of life, race and religion (or sometimes lack of) included.
I think it's you who is loud, obnoxious, sexist, racist, juvenile, unthinking, visceral, and violent… and in love with yourself for it. It takes a special kind of person to just point out all that's negative about a place where only the negative makes money. Kind of like your review.
Couldn't you just have said "This movie really sucks and made me feel stupid?"
well honestly i thought the movie was great. It had every element of a good movie should have. Why all of the hatred? Lol. I think it was a good movie. 16,000,000 in one day tsk tsk. Obviously 16,000,000 people thought so to. Second opinions don't matter.
so 16,000,000 means they all liked it
yay for logic
FROM ETHAN HUNT | REPLY
POSTED 25 JUN 2009, 5:12 AM
" Obviously 16,000,000 people thought so to."
In what world do movie tickets cost one dollar?
Its funny to me reading these comments, that these critics actually expected Transformers to be the next Shawshank Redemption, or Godfather. One other commenter brought up a perfect point, it's an entertainment movie people, come on. A popcorn, "what else do you have to do this evening" fun movie. Wow-tastic booms are the point. Hey at least its not a ditzy blonde falling over her high heels trying to run away while throwing sticks at the monster thinking it will matter. Yes its loud, but its called the "action" genre... Did you think you were coming in to watch a Charlie Chaplin movie. Its robots that turn into cars. Seriously, should Spongebob Squarepaints be philosophical and bring symbolic truths to the slayings in Rawanda?
If you want deep, groundbreaking storylines catch an independent film or wait till the winter openings. Summer is about Bang, Boom Ahhhhhh... Its movies to check out at the Imax. Its thoughtless enjoyment so why bash on it so much for doing exactly what it intended.
Don't get me wrong some of these reviews are hilarious, and when I ever do read critics and they happen to bash a movie I am usually more prone to go see it... Guess I need to go back and see what some of these people stated about Snakes on a Plane... "The hidden id for the pink, yellow and blue snake was not symbolic enough for this drivel of a movie *sips double espresso mocha latte cappuccino*, and I believe that Samuel Jackson portrayal of the protagonist was overly dramatic with to much emphasis on the melodrama of the situation..." blah blah blah... I can see it already.
It's more of a metaphor....both experiences are something that seem like a potentially fun time when you decide to do it, give you an intense high for a few minutes, but after you come down you feel hungover, trashy and ashamed of such tawdry behavior. Also horrifed that you spent so much money for something that provided, ultimately, so little entertainment value. But as time passes all you remember was the high and after a couple of weeks you want to do it again.
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