The (Available) Superstars

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Whenever a television show bills itself as containing celebrities (I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!, Skating with Celebrities) or stars (Dancing with the Stars), chances are that you or your roommate are an internet video away from being as famous as those luminaries. The competitors on ABC's new sports-celeb mash-up The Superstars have famous names, but more importantly, they had openings in their spring schedule to shoot for a week or two in the Bahamas.

The Superstars [8 PM, ABC]

Unfortunately, half of today's TV audience weren't of culturally-aware age during the glory days of ABC's Wide World of Sports, or else there might be greater anticipation for this program. Eight "celebrities" pair up with eight professional athletes (real athletes, but not all currently employed as athletes) to compete in different events in the Bahamas. John Saunders and Warren Sapp handle the play-by-play as Terrell Owens of the Buffalo Bills, model Joanna Krupa, future Hall of Fame second baseman Jeff Kent, Ali Landry, Robert "Big Shot Rob" Horry, Dan Cortese and other famous humans kayak and frolic and compete and yell at each other and generally fill time.

America's Got Talent [9 PM, NBC]

We aren't actually going to watch this, but you had better believe that when some dowdy old lady from Des Moines belts out Gershwin's "Summertime" and floors the Hoff, your mom will be sending you the clip. The fourth season also promises lots of weird novelty acts and Nick Cannon as the new, less funny but more youth-friendly host. It's just the auditions in tonight's premiere, so don't look for anything to go viral.

The Best Thing I Ever Ate [9 PM, Food]

If there's anything better than eating a great meal, it would have to be listening to rich television personalities talk about great meals they've eaten. That would be the premise of this new Food Network show that might make you want to run out late at night and eat something you probably shouldn't. At 9 PM, pledgemaster Guy "Cooter" Fieri and Giada work themselves into a greasy lather about fried foods. At 9:30, Ted Allen, Bobby Flay and Tyler Florence discuss BBQ.

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Bad Boys II [9 PM, USA]

Before Michael Bay's talking robots take over the multiplex, wander down memory lane to that simpler time when a sick Miami car chase was enough to get our blood pumping. Martin Lawrence and Will Smith had great screen chemistry in both Bad Boys installments, especially given the attention paid to the personal lives of their characters around the typical drugs-Haitian Gangs-DEA jurisdiction plot.