True Blood Recapped: Lafayette Has To Lip-Sync...For His Life!

Welcome back to Movieline True Blood recaps, where you can relive your favorite moments from the only vampire show on TV where humans and the undead are allowed to say "f**k." (And to actually f**k.)

We pick up right where we left off last week, with Eric chowing down on a feisty prisoner as Lafayette the Cowardly Drag Queen cowers in the corner of their slave quarters and espresso grindery. Eric makes sure Lafayette has no silver on him, then demands to know if he got any blood in his hair, which happens to be covered in tinting foil. For anyone keeping metallurgical score at home, that's silver: bad, aluminum: good (for hair-lightening).

Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: Moderate, for partial Lafayette nudity, track pants, hair treatments.

Next we're back with Sookie and Bill, the couple still glowing from a sweaty round of vampire-makeup monkey-sex. The subject of Jessica the Sulky Tween Vampire comes up, who's the dramatic equivalent of a disobedient Weimaraner that Bill wishes he didn't have to take care of. Sookie points out that all Jessica's "vampire changes" are very akin to "teenage girl changes," which totally reminded me of the first time I cried blood during gym class and how Mrs. Figg sent me to the nurse's office. It was really embarrassing.

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Back at the Fangtasia backroom, Lafayette is begging for mercy and answering any and all questions asked of him. He says that if he has a "Jew at an Al Qaeda pep rally's shot" of saving his "black ass," he's going to do what it takes, which strikes me as exactly the thing an uneducated, African-American cross-dresser from rural Louisiana would say in such a situation. Lafayette fingers Jason in the disappearance of Eddie the Stapler-Hording Gay Vampire from Season One. There's some back-and-forth between Eric and his hairdresser Pam in what I'll assume is Melania Trump's mother-tongue, but they ultimately decide that since Sookie is Jason's sister, they won't go after him.

On a school bus to Fellowship of the Sun leadership seminar (which may I say looks extremely fun and I would consider signing up for myself), Jason meets Luke McDonald, a former college football player who got sidelined by an injury, and so is now practicing celibacy and singing things like, "There was a farmer who had a God, And Jesus was his name-o!" on school buses with other adults. Jason lets it slip how tight he is with the Newlins. Luke decides to bunk with him, hoping some of that prettyboy glitter rubs off on him. (Yes, I mean that literally.)

Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: High, for athletic Abercrombie & Fitch-types bonding, talk of cohabitation in woods.

Back at MaryAnn's Luxury Linen Emporium, something happened. I have no idea what that something was, because "Eggs" Benedict is shirtless and has pecs the size of pizza boxes and a 24-pack. (I counted.) Whatever Eggs is, it's not human -- perhaps some kind of shape-changing personal weretrainer.

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Back at the Leadership seminar, participants are given silver Rings of Honesty to ward off horny vampires and Disney Channel starlets. Steve Newlin, their evil leader in triple-pleated pants, oversees the field day festivities with Sarah, and both quickly realize that Jason is a star in the making. Jason's shirt comes off during a competitive round of Capture the Flag. Luke seethes with jealousy.

Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: Off the shirtless charts. Take that, Ryan Reynolds.

I'm now convinced that Maryann, a character who clearly wandered in off the wrong show, is Samantha Stephens' aunt. She visits Merlotte's, and orders and eats everything on the menu -- yet stays amazingly svelte! She's the Gwyneth Paltrow of weird, vibrating, vaguely menacing True Blood ladies! Sookie, meanwhile, invites Tara to come live with her. Maryann hears this and is not amused. Sookie does some of her mind-reading hocus pocus and discovers that Maryann thinks in Man Yiddish.

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Poor Lafayette is back in the slavequarters. He tears through a dismembered leg with lots of tentacles poking out of it until he finds a metal hip bone (callback to Ep. 1 -- who's paying attention?!) that helps him break his chains. He doesn't even get to the door when the freaked-out human bartender girl with the fierce disco hair shoots him in the leg, then freaks out some more.

Over at the Leadership getaway, Christian pop star Amanda Jane drops by to perform her new hit, "Jesus Asked Me Out Today." She performs it very suggestively -- to say nothing of the fact that the lyrics imply she'll be going on a date with Jesus. This is a slippery slope, as it opens things up to future hits like "Jesus Made a Move," "Jesus, I Said No," and "Jesus Date-Raped Me." In any case, everyone there loved it, including Steve in the Triple-Pleated Pants.

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This is the best scene: Bill is shopping at a Loehmann's-type store for some appropriate clothes for Jessica, who's been stuck in a slutty, Catholic (a vampire no-no) schoolgirl uniform for far too long. A Cheryl Hines-alike blatantly hits on Bill, then openly propositions him when she finds out he's a vampire. But the deal's off when Eric shows up with his new highlights and shorter hair, and the Cheryl Hines-alike realizes this is the gayest show, like, ever. Eric asks nicely if he can take Sookie to Dallas for a vampire go-see, Bill refuses, and Eric reminds him that he has no say in the matter. Snap!

Alan Ball Gay-O-Meter: Two dudes discussing highlights at Loehmann's. I'd call that fairly high, wouldn't you?

Sookie is a pushover and brings Jessica to her parents' house. Jessica runs up to the door, and is invited in by her mother. Back at Merlotte's, Maryann has craftily coated the buffalo wings in Ecstasy, and everyone is having a dance floor orgy. Even Detective Andy, who says his dancing was once described as "an epileptic on meth." (Around these parts, we just call that Doin' the Dick.) Penny Marshall then flirts shameless with Eggs Benedict, but is shooed away. A little later, Penny Marshall's eyes go all black, while Maryann vibrates in the back room, flipping Sam's shape-shift switch to "dog." Awww...doggie in a flannel shirt.

At Jessica's parents' place, her dad comes home and is thrilled to see her, but then threatens to beat her with a belt. This totally pisses Jessica off, and you don't want to see Jessica when she's angry.

Back at Fangtasia, Lafayette's leg is bleeding out and he begs to be made a vampire. Eric, Eric's hairdresser, and his henchman who kind of looks like a younger Robbie Coltrane dive in for a feeding. OMGZ EVERYBODY! Lafayette is going to sashay away and become a Vampire Drag Queen!!! (And DON'T f**k it up.)

Then, as Jessica is about to snuff the life out of her strap-happy pa, a really angry Bill arrives. Jessica's little sister invites him in, he yells at Sookie, then snaps out his fangs for...for...

I don't know! The show ended.

Hey -- I bet Miss Jeanette would know!

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Oh yeah. :(



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