In the Case of Bret Michaels Vs. Decapitated Liza, Nobody Wins


It took 63 years, but The Tonys finally provided a genuinely YouTubeable moment Sunday night, when a descending piece of scenery very nearly separated Poison lead singer Bret Michaels from himself. Miraculously, his skull remained fully intact, primed for another search for romance among the skank-filled Mud Bowls of Rock of Love -- but he didn't walk away entirely unscathed. He posted some photos of his battered face on his MySpace account; he suffered a broken nose and bruised lip.

(And possible permanent spinal damage! -- pending attorney-approved personal physician's test results.) Perhaps even more injured, however, are his feelings. Angered that Tony organizers brushed off the accident as having been a matter of Michaels "[missing] his mark," he issued a press release via reps, in which a legitimate postulation is put forth:

"I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern." You know what? That's entirely true. In fact, forget letters -- they'd throw a huge, star-studded charity gala for A Stumpy Line: A Foundation to Benefit Broadway Chorus Boys Amputated by Faultily Rigged Stage Scenery.

The full statement follows:



  • yarmulke says:

    I think this whole incident was created to cover up the horrible lip-synching and the fact that Bret's latest winner from the skank-athon simply stood up too quick.

  • NoWireHangers says:

    I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern.
    Yes, Brett, you are right. But there are several reasons for this:
    1. Liza, Dolly, and Elton are 91, 158, and 84 years old respectively. You're still young and spry by comparison.
    2. Your skull was protected with a 3-inch cushion of the "finest European hair money can buy", thus no permanent damage was inflicted.
    3. As compared to the typical occupational hazards of your job, i.e. sleeping with skanks who are carrying at least 3 different venereal diseases at any one time, this was cake walk. No one ever got herpes from drywall.

  • finger-firmly-on-the-pulse says:

    i believe that backdrop acted in all our best interest.

  • LLH says:

    excuse me, what the fuck is bret michaels doing and the TONY awards anyway? has he recently come out?

  • Kittenhead says:

    Our thoughts and prayers are with the scenery, which we understand is being thoroughly wiped down with Lysol and bleach.

  • Inhaler says:

    I was wondering the same thing.

  • sweetbiscuit says:

    What a whiny infant. Maybe he didn't realize that live theater stops for no one, because perhaps he hadn't heard that phrase, oh, what's the one, about the show having to, ya know, go on? Dolly and Elton know this, Liza would never have missed her mark, and Bret should have paid attention in rehearsals when they practiced the scenery drop (does anyone think the other band members just spontaneously decided en masse to back up far enough?).

  • Neelyo says:

    He was probably too busy checking out some chorine's ass when they told him about the scenery. And isn't it odd that they told the other band members to get out of the way and they did, leaving Bret alone to bask in the glory of his lip-synched performance?
    I wonder if the drop separated his hat/hair from his person.