G.I. Joe Trailer: Pray They Rustproof America Before It's Too Late!


After leaving you all with an excruciating case of bluepinkies by snapping away the bootlegged version of the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen trailer shortly after we put it up, I felt you deserved something in its place to release all that pent-up, anticipatory fanboy tension. And do I have it: Lock your bedroom doors and tell your moms you'll be late for dinner, people. It's the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra trailer.

Chud.com has already declared this a "cinematic revolution," and while I don't know if I'd go quite that far, what I have seen has wiped away many of the early concerns raised by a set of official, clumsily Photoshopped collector cards that suggested we were all in store for a massive G.I. Joke.

We begin at the subaquatic headquarters for the nefarious Cobra Organization, where a number of warheads are being prepared for launch. They contain neither nuclear nor biological agents, but rather something far more devastating to the already-devastated automotive industry: a steel-devouring super-algae.

Before long, the Eiffel Tower -- which is quickly becoming the It-landmark of the summer 2009 blockbuster season -- has been reduced to a small pile of fertilizer. Tourists run screaming for their lives, the White House notes "the French are pretty upset" (what else is new), and we try our best not to notice the words "from the director of The Mummy" flash across the screen as Dennis Quaid assembles the greatest group of go-go gadget military mercenaries the rapidly rusting world has ever known.

Ever in absentia is behooded supervillain Cobra Commander, played by scrawny emocore heartthrob Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Ohhh, Cooobra Commaaaaander....Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Verdict: Cobra advance. ADVANCE!

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  • dan says:

    "This (franchise) has only just begun"
    Whats up with the guys dressed like halo? I guess more outfts, more action figures. You've gotta get the gi joes with the full body suits as well as the human ones. Plus they'll sell green bio weapon slime to cover all of the vehicles in the trailer that they'll expect you to buy.

  • SunnydaZe says:

    After "Team America World Police" isn't this whole endeavor redundant?

  • benjamin says:

    Stephen Sommers is the man responsible for "The Mummy", "The Mummy Returns", and "Van Helsing". And now it appears that he's trying to rip-off the action-film aesthetics of noted "auteur"* Michael Bay? Ladies and gents, I think we have the recipe for Crapsterpiece of the Year. I can't wait.
    *Thanks (but no thanks), Criterion Collection, for that one.

  • Colander says:

    Yeah, this does kind of feel like that. Hopefully it's just a condition of the trailer, as most of the footage seems to be from only a couple set pieces.

  • avoidz says:

    I guess good or even witty dialogue is for suckers. Just recycle every other lame action movie from the past ten years and slap an Xbox sheen on it.

  • Dimo says:

    As long as people actually die, and not parachute to safety every time, I might actually see this crap. Oh wait, Marlon Wayans is in it? Never mind.