Sumner Redstone: 'I Have No Intention of Dying'


Confirming a widely held suspicion circulating round these parts since the days when pterodactyls flapped around the site of the future Century City, Viacom head Sumner Redstone admitted to his own immortality before a crowded Beverly Hilton conference room today. The stunned onlookers, attendees of the Milken Institute Global Conference, instantly started plugging "SUMNER WILL NOT DIE" into their BlackBerrys as Redstone continued.

From The Wrap:

"I have no intention of ever retiring, or of dying," he said. "Hawaii is nice; I can take a two-day vacation...I'm 'The Curious Case of Mr. Redstone.'"

That canny bit of corporate promotion was soon followed by another: Pointing to Star Trek's potential to warp the studio into the black, Redstone pledged Paramount would have their "best year in history." On that self-confident note, the semi-mummified media mogul was surrounded by doting nursing home workers, who encouraged him to attempt walking without his crutches -- a feat he ably achieved before turning to admire his newly sprouted bicep muscles in a nearby mirror.

· Redstone: I'll Never Die, but Newspapers Will [The Wrap]