Krystle bin Carrington Takes All in U.K. Hell's Kitchen

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· Linda Evans has won Hell's Kitchen U.K. 2009, a victory she savored by immediately pronouncing a fatwa on "cloven-hooved harlot, Joan Collins."

· Michael Caine freely admits he'd like to add another short, muscular dude to the two he keeps around already: "The actor, who was born Maurice Micklewhite, son of a Billingsgate fish market porter, candidly admits he hopes to earn an Academy Award for his leading role in [Is Anybody There?]"

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· According to a Time reporter, watching James Cameron's Avatar is like "doing some kind of drug...You feel like the little feathery things are landing on your arm!" You're going to have to wait eight more months to experience that particular high, but if you simply cannot, we recommend melting down a DVD of Titanic into a spoon and injecting the warm liquid contents between your toes. On the streets, they call that Heart of the Ocean. Beware the comedown.

· Ah, movie blogger feuding. Truly the gift that keeps on giving. In today's edition, Patrick Goldstein accuses Nikki Finke of "rewriting history," before calling her "a journalistic pokah playah! Pokah playahs are trash darling ... TRASH!" David Poland, meanwhile, woke to an epiphany, having figured out how to fix everything currently ailing Hollywood journalism. Somehow, it involves turning us into bi-weekly columnists. We're in!

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· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's former bodyguard Mickey Brett has been shopping around an expose of his time as the couple's Chief Paparazzo Hobbling Engineer; scary Hollywood lawyer Marty Singer is already on the offensive to make sure none of the family's trusted secrets, including eldest child and avid weapons-enthusiast Maddox's plan to overthrow the U.S. government, become common knowledge.

· Rue McClanahan remembers the inimitable Bea Arthur: "She was a very close, quiet, rather timid person, very gentle. I saw someone say something once that they didn't mean to be a cutting remark, but it hit her wrong, and she immediately burst into tears. That was not seen very often, but those emotions were right under the surface." Hope you're happy, Jeff Ross.



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