Susan Boyle Shows Off Bodyguard, Pit Stains
Entertainment Weekly has been keeping tabs on presumptive Britain's Got Talent winner Susan Boyle (our new Virgin Queen) and they've brought to us this image from her first-ever official photo shoot. Yes, those are pit stains, and she wears them defiantly! "No, no," whispered the photographer, calling off his armada of assistants, makeup artists, and retouchers. "We must leave her as she is. Give me face, Susan. Give me brows."
Unfortunately, our universally beloved interpreter of terrible, middlebrow power ballads can't forever remain unaffected by the outside world, and so it is with a heavy heart that the Sun reports that Miss Boyle has LET A MAN INTO HER HOUSE. This threat to the brand cannot continue! Certain reports claim that he is merely a Talent crew member, though he's exhibited protective tendencies by shooing away neighbor children (all the while keeping an eye out for the winged griffin Demalkryor, who is Boyle's sworn enemy and has escaped to our dimension in the guise of honey-voiced Talent rival Shaheen Jafargholi).
Godspeed, Susan. Just remember: you can defeat all comers with nothing more than a broken comb and a high-octane take on "My Heart Will Go On."
· Susan has got a man at last [Sun]