Susan Boyle Shows Off Bodyguard, Pit Stains


Entertainment Weekly has been keeping tabs on presumptive Britain's Got Talent winner Susan Boyle (our new Virgin Queen) and they've brought to us this image from her first-ever official photo shoot. Yes, those are pit stains, and she wears them defiantly! "No, no," whispered the photographer, calling off his armada of assistants, makeup artists, and retouchers. "We must leave her as she is. Give me face, Susan. Give me brows."

Unfortunately, our universally beloved interpreter of terrible, middlebrow power ballads can't forever remain unaffected by the outside world, and so it is with a heavy heart that the Sun reports that Miss Boyle has LET A MAN INTO HER HOUSE. This threat to the brand cannot continue! Certain reports claim that he is merely a Talent crew member, though he's exhibited protective tendencies by shooing away neighbor children (all the while keeping an eye out for the winged griffin Demalkryor, who is Boyle's sworn enemy and has escaped to our dimension in the guise of honey-voiced Talent rival Shaheen Jafargholi).

Godspeed, Susan. Just remember: you can defeat all comers with nothing more than a broken comb and a high-octane take on "My Heart Will Go On."

· Susan has got a man at last [Sun]


  • Inhaler says:

    I can almost smell that tomato-faced wench from here, eek.

  • The day Scion Boyle upends her wretched landfill appeal I hope Simon Cowell has the good sense to Howard Beale her uppity mug right on the air.

  • Old No.7 says:

    I bet that landing strip of hers could land Air Force One and have room to spare.

  • Lysergic Asset says:

    Okay, this is officially insane.
    Talk about going from one extreme to the other: from demanding airbrushed perfection from women to 'it's fine if she just rolled off the garbage heap'?

  • LLH says:

    if you think she's hairy up there...just think...down there...omg i'm grossing myself out.

  • el smrtmnky says:

    'look at me, susan. give me, give me seduction. give me haggis. ahh, there it is!'

  • Karla says:

    Hey Kyle, nice going, egging people on to attack and dehumanize an impoverished, learning disabled woman.
    How refreshing! No one ever does that in real life!

  • Kyle Buchanan says:


  • Karla says:

    Starved of oxygen at birth, learning disabled, and a constant subject of ridicule throughout her school years.
    Her village is one of the worst places in Scotland - just bleak. Like, I don't know, the east side of Baltimore, or most of Detroit?
    Maybe the singing is the only thing she has, fer chrissakes?

  • Old No.7 says:

    Who the fuck let the Jezebel commenters in here?

  • Karla says:

    Let's heap lots of scorn on Simon Cowell, who is one manipulative bastid, and rich as Croesus behind it because some people do love to be manipulated (or don't realize that they are being manipulated).
    But Susan Boyle is an innocent in all this. As a professional singer, I can tell you that she's got some righteous pipes on her, though she needs a bit of training to get her voice back under her.
    Let's love up this salt of the earth person who doesn't realize she's being manipulated and packaged for an either cynical or easily fooled world.
    And let's whip out a big hammer of sarcasm and invite Simon Cowell to our next bag o' hammers party.

  • Pearl Gertzbein says:

    I think it's wonderful that she has come to light, but hope she doesn't get ruined by whom ever will handle her obvious career. Anyone with such a beautiful voice is destined for great success.