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JJ Abrams Comes Up with Novel Excuse for Turning In Extra-Long Undercovers Scripts

Cramming enough carnage into one spy-marriage thriller is a chore for any screenwriter, but JJ Abrams's not in the mood for chores to-effing-day. Instead of opting to edit some of his new NBC series' Undercovers overlong pilot, Abrams took a shortcut, and a leaked script of the series proves that he and co-writer Josh Reims feel more confident telling you, the reader, how to make their work seem shorter rather than editing it down themselves. Instructions follow!

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What's On: Talent or No Talent

Howie Mandel replaces David Hasselhoff on the panel of America's Got Talent tonight alongside Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne. If Howie's air-fistpumps to a fire-juggling troupe isn't your thing, more traditional choreography and slapstick awaits you in the rest of tonight's lineup.

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Charlie Sheen to Follow in Kiefer Sutherland's Footsteps and Spend His Series Vacation in Jail

Some television actors spend their off-season auditioning for film roles, vacationing with their families, or recording horrible, self-indulgent singles. Others use their downtime to fulfill that court-mandated jail sentence, like Kiefer Sutherland, who spent 48 days in lock down in 2007 after pleading no contest to DUI charges. Now it seems that Charlie Sheen will follow in the footsteps of the 24 star by forgoing trial and agreeing to spend up to 30 days in jail during his summer vacation.

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Can True Beauty's DJ David Provide a Fix for Jersey Shore Withdrawal?

Since Jersey Shore's first season ended, we've been given plenty of episode marathons to quench our thirst for hair gel and horrifying tans. ABC must have sensed our anxiety, because one contestant on the new season of True Beauty serves as a well-lacquered proxy for our wayward friends The Situation and DJ Pauly D. Might this gelled newbie match ranks with the Seaside Heights greats?

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Mystery Thief Raids New Tonight Show Band's Wardrobe

Only 72 hours after Jay Leno's trusty sidekick Kevin Eubanks bid farewell to the Tonight Show, staffers are reporting that someone has stolen thousands of dollars worth of band materials. Could this have been Eubanks' going-away gift to himself? (After all, the man does deserve something for chuckling through all of those unfunny punchlines the past 18 years.)

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Ratings: Old CBS Beats New ABC

ABC trotted out two new episodes last night (The Bachelorette and the new reality series True Beauty) and still lost to CBS's platter of reruns and NBC's Stanley Cup finals game in the demos race. CBS garnered top honors with 7.7 million total viewers (beating ABC's 6.9), while NBC won the coveted 18-49 demo with a 2.4 rating over ABC's 2.3. Look at the bright side, ABC: The people of Chicago haven't been this excited about professional sports since 2005, and if the Blackhawks win it all, the entire Midwest may be transformed into romantics who want nothing more than a rose ceremony to end their Sunday nights. [Zap2It]

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Real Housewives of New Jersey Reality Check: Ex-Cons, Guns and the Ham Game

Last week on the Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jacqueline drank wine and played with loaded guns while Christopher worked an afternoon shift at Scores strip club. The episode was packed with sex and violence and -- fortunately for viewers -- both elements continued in last night's installment, which found Danielle hiring ex-cons to protect her at a gun-sponsored cancer benefit and Teresa contemplating new forms of birth control. So pour yourself a glass of your husband's finest Port, drape yourself in his ammo belts and click through to see which moments hit the Real/Fake Jackpot in last night's episode, "Into the Lion's Den."

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The Bachelorette Studfinder: Ali's 5 Dreamiest Options

Ali Fedotowsky is not just a romantic clone of Project Runway season one contestant Alexandra Vidal. She's a serious navigator traversing the primetime battlefield of love. Or an out-of-luck driver traversing a Los Angeles highway, but we'll get to that in a second. Ali's eliminated a throng of duds thus far on The Bachelorette, but Movieline's now inspecting her five best options left in the competition. The forecast is giirrrrrrl, he fine with a chance of "entertainment wrestling."

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TV Bites: Holograms to Replace 3D Television?

· Who needs 3D television when you can watch a real, live hologram? That is the argument that Japan is making in its bid for the 2022 FIFA World Cup. Japan claims that with $6 billion, it could allow audiences all over the world to watch a hologram of the actual game being played from the comfort of their home-country soccer field. The bid is also environmentally conscious: Japan claims that it would use the energy generated by cheering spectators to fuel the communications system. [NYP]

Celebrity Rehab takes a sabbatical, Homer Simpson wins a contest, and more TV Bites after the jump.

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Ranking the Memorial Day TV Marathons: Your Best Bets for the Holiday

If the idea of spending the afternoon at a barbecue with your family doesn't get you all that excited for Memorial Day, don't worry: Cable television has been kind enough to schedule a day full of crap marathons to allow you an escape. Because why watch the drama unfold in your backyard when you can watch hours and hours of Real Housewives from the comfort of your couch! After the jump, Movieline ranks the marathons.

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Kevin Eubanks Bids Farewell to The Tonight Show

You didn't see this on Friday night because you stopped paying attention to Jay Leno a long time ago, but Kevin Eubanks ended his stint as bandleader on The Tonight Show after 18 years -- and yes, apparently NBC is folding the five-month sojourn to The Jay Leno Show into Tonight Show history. Who knew?! Anyway, as Leno is prone to do, his goodbye speech to Eubanks was filled with faux-sincerity, but you do get the feeling that Jay will really miss him. If only because it's doubtful that Eubanks' replacement, American Idol band leader Rickey Minor, will be a ready-made laugh track and comedy foil. After the jump, watch the tribute video The Tonight Show put together for Eubanks, which -- surprise! -- is actually kinda funny. Well, for Jay Leno.

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Don't Stop Believin': 5 Things You Need to Know About the Glee Live Tour

To answer your first question: Yes, they did serve alcohol at Radio City Music Hall during the Glee Live concert. And that's probably a good thing since Saturday's matinee was filled with almost as many adults as screaming 'tweens. Though while it would be very easy to crack that alcohol is the only way an adult could get through 90 minutes of in-your-face Gleegasms, the fact of the matter is that the live show -- or concert, if you please -- is blessed with great production value and performances. Mostly. The tour ends on Sunday, but here are five things you'll need to know before you purchase the inevitable DVD release.

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Jimmy Fallon Brings You the Soundtrack for Memorial Day

Despite evidence to the contrary, this isn't Jimmy Fallon Week here at Movieline, though you'd be forgiven for thinking it was. After all, between the nightly running commentary he's been doing online and his appearance at the Paley Center, it's been all Jimmy, all the time. And really, why not? The Late Night host seems preternaturally able to create bits and jokes that permeate the zeitgeist. The latest that's sure to qualify? A hand-clapping, sing-along called "Balls in Your Mouth." Tarballs. Because finding new and original ways to satirize the environmental catastrophe caused by BP has become the coin of the realm for late night hosts. After the jump, listen to the song -- however be forewarned: You'll be singing this earworm at every barbecue you attend over the next three days.

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Heidi and Spencer Separate

In what I would almost certainly call a producer-enacted plotline were The Hills not over and done with, TMZ is reporting that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (pictured here with their previous faces) have split up. I knew that Heidi would be devastated that her Transformers 3 audition was all for naught, but who knew things would escalate like this? Gene Kelly is spinning in his grave right now. [TMZ]

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The Weekly Andy Cohen WTF Moment: Jerry Seinfeld Calls Out Cohen's Show as a 'Jewish Curse'

Why does Bravo's Senior VP of Production and Programming host a weekly late night talk show where he interviews various reality stars while sipping on a Maker's Mark? Who knows! Nevertheless, we here at Movieline are going to start covering Andy Cohen's live oddity Watch What Happens with a regular feature called "The Weekly Andy Cohen WTF Moment." For the first WTF treatment, Movieline will inspect last night's typically bizarre episode, which opened with Cohen introducing Jerry Seinfeld as "the most elegant Semite of all the Semites I know" and continued with Seinfeld wondering out loud, "Why am I on this show?"

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