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Movieline 'Tis of Thee

For Movieline's inaugural Week in Review feature, as we shall going forward, your editors roamed the land for the richest news, choicest nuggets and all-natural industry goodness from the last five days. This week, Sasha spoke, Jake faked (maybe?), IMAX reeled and American Idol viewers experienced the real Audacity of Hope. Reflect with us after the jump.

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You Are Not Equipped For The Awesomeness That is 'The Touch: 2009'

· Stan Bush has been commissioned to update his classic song from 1986's Transformers: The Movie soundtrack, "The Touch," for Revenge of the Fallen. And whoever said lightning never strikes the same place twice was ... Um. Well, anyway, here's Stan, everybody! He's looking pretty good! [via /Film]
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Our Commenters of the Week Win a Pair of Danny Gokey-Brand Eyeglasses!

It's time once again to fête the best of the Movieline comments. As your very special prize, winners will receive a stylish frame of their choosing from LensCrafters' new Danny Gokey "See the Light" Eyewear Collection. Our top five comments are after the jump!
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Dollhouse May Dodge Fox Executioners

While preparing the final touches for next week's upfront presentations, the higher-ups at Fox left their Series Gas Chamber unattended for a few minutes. That was all the time Joss Whedon needed to put his 11th-hour jailbreak scheme in motion, springing Dollhouse from its straps to live another day on the network. Maybe.
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Buzz Break: Blush Brothers

· Adam Lambert and Kris Allen have entered into a secret nail-polish friendship that surely will be denounced by Carrie Prejean before the day is up.

· Gossip Girl's Ed Westwick is set to star as Heathcliff in a new adaptation of Wuthering Heights.

· Oscar-winning Milk screenwriter Dustin Lance Black visited his high school and caused four students to spontaneously come out of the closet through his sheer gay A-listiness.

· So much for that Zach Braff farewell episode: he's set to come back to Scrubs for six episodes next season.

· Looks like someone listened to his publicist!

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Nine Brutal Cardinal Murders That Didn't Make the Angels & Demons Cut


9. Cardinal Carlo Bagnasco, tied to the Arch of Constantine with his pockets filled with birdseed, and pecked to death by ravenous pigeons who'd been starved for two weeks by the nefarious hand of the Illuminati.

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'Honorary Brotha' Ron Howard Explains Jamie Foxx Video

Two days in a row of The View clips...flashbacks to time working on chiaroscuro Hollywood blog ruled by statistic-obsessed British overlord...must...press...on...

Ron Howard and Tom Hanks appeared on The View today to discuss Angels & Demons, but all anyone wanted to know about was what in the world the erstwhile Opie was doing in that Jamie Foxx video from a while back. (sidebar: Hanks had never seen the video before, and his reaction to the clip of it is hilarious.)

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Ring-a-Ding Purity Ring

All right, JoBro fans, it's time to turn out en masse. Let Scorsese know! [People]

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Monica Bellucci to Pull Rabbit Out of Nicolas Cage's Hat

· Monica Bellucci is a late addition to the cast of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, in which she'll play -- OH MY GOD WATCH OUT FOR THAT RUNAWAY FERRARI IT WILL KILL US ALL MMM FREE SBARRO'S -- Nicolas Cage's long-lost sorceress love interest. [Variety]
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New Yes Men Film Receiving Under-the-Radar Oscar Run

Despite critical raves and cult word of mouth, the 2004 prankumentary The Yes Men stumbled to a disappointing $250,000 theatrical gross before shuffling off to DVD eternity. The duo's eco-centric follow-up, The Yes Men Fix the World, left this year's Sundance Film Festival with similar acclaim but no theatrical distribution deal. But for those eager to have a look sooner than later, HBO's Oscar ambitions might be your gain this weekend in Los Angeles and New York.
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Mariah Carey, Precious Entourage Descend on Cannes

On a gloomy Friday in Cannes — where a torrential downpour aggravated and frustrated the hurried journalists dashing to the 8:30 a.m. press screening of Jane Campion's Bright Star — the stars of Lee Daniel's Sundance winner Precious hit the Plage VitaminWater on the Croisette for a luncheon and press conference. It was revealing in more ways than one.

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Hanks, Angels Set to Soar Over Light Competition

Welcome back to Movieline Attractions, your regular guide to everything new, noteworthy and potentially church-tweaking at the movies. This week: Tom Hanks is a bull in a Vatican china shop, a sibling con team meets its match, Jennifer Aniston manages not so well, and more. It's all after the jump.

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Joe Jonas: Bigger and Wetter

· Here's Jonas Brothers frontman Joe Jonas, sopping wet in the pages of In Style magazine -- to whom he reveals his biggest celebrity crush is Daniel Craig. Um. Yeah. Cough cough. How 'bout them Dodgers! (In its full glory after the jump. You know you want it.) [via ONTD]

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You Know You've Been in the Business Too Long When Kiefer Sutherland Headbutting a Fashion Designer For Your Honor Doesn't Faze You

Hmm, The View. I vaguely remember this program. Let's see...there's a passive-aggressive old journalist lady, a woman with red hair, a blonde who reads talking points while dressed in a pirate blouse, a somewhat nicer idiot who's on 30 Rock a lot, and an Oscar winner whose bucket list contains only one item: "Wear every piece of Ed Hardy clothing before I die." It's all coming back / it's coming back to me no-ow.

Anyway! These somewhat familiar women hosted Brooke Shields on their show today, and of course, they had to know all about the Kiefer headbutt Shields had served as muse to.

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Slumdog Orphan Seeks Pied-A-Terre After Home Reduced to Pile of Rubble

Believe it or not, the most hazardous job in Hollywood isn't testicle-detonation coordinator, but rather Slumdog Millionaire orphan. We're all familiar with the unfortunate case of Rubina Ali, who narrowly escaped a harrowing fate being sold to a wealthy Saudi prince on the international-child-star slave-auction circuit, simply so he could trot her out at dinner parties and make her perform memorable sequences from the Oscar-winning film. (She emerged relatively unscathed, having most recently co-starred with Nicole Kidman in an exotically entrancing gingerale ad.)
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