Ronald Bergan, the Guardian curmudgeon responsible for such critical hits as "Did colour ruin the movies?" and "Ridley Scott was right, modern cinema is stupid" has uncorked another one of his broadsides on contemporary film -- and by "contemporary," I mean anything made after about 1960.
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· Variety reports that after "a serious courtship...with some of the highest-profile projects in Hollywood," a cloud of white smoke in the shape of a giant thumbs-up has emerged from atop the CAA Death Star, alerting the rapt masses outside that megastar client Tom Cruise has landed upon his next starring vehicle: It's Wichita, a Fox comedy directed by James Mangold and co-starring Cameron Diaz, in which he'll play "a secret agent who pops in and out of the life of a single woman." The sparks off that screen -- they'll need to hand out welding masks! [Variety]
Click through to find out which two heartthrobs are jumping on Kevin Smith's Dicks!
Sony Pictures boss Michael Lynton caused a stir a couple weeks ago when, during a panel discussion in New York, he came out as an unapologetic Web-hater: "I am a guy who hasn't seen any good come out of the Internet. It seems to have done damage to every (part) of the entertainment business." He's since come to wave a white flag amid the hail of drive-by blogging bullets that followed, taking his impassioned defense to -- where else? -- the Internet.
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· According to the results so far, Zach Galifianakis is the least sexy of the 15 male candidates in Huffington Post's Funny & Fine: Who's America's Sexiest Comedian? You Decide! poll. Also near the bottom: Russell Brand and Aziz Ansari. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are way ahead. I think that says something about Women in America -- I'm just not sure what it is. Probably that they like money. Vote for Zach, people! That furry tub of side-splittin' man-lovin' needs us!
· Displaying the advanced socialization skills that made her the most beloved crazy cat-lady on the planet, 150 witnesses saw Susan Boyle "sticking two fingers up at a television and shouting 'f*** off', before stomping off to her room" at a London hotel while watching Britain's Got Talent judge Piers Morgan praise 12-year-old competitor Shaheen Jafargholi. When word trickled back to the studio, the panel lept to a standing ovation, wiping tears from their eyes and going on and on about how surprised they were that such ugliness came out of such a beautiful package.
In what ways (other than casting Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger) is the new Nightmare on Elm St. different than its predecessors? According to a new casting notice, it's all in its tasteful, sensitive depiction of bare breasts:
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Whether it's a starring role on eBay or razed houses in the Mumbai slums, the post-Oscar saga of young Slumdog Millionaire darlings Azharuddin Ismail and Rubina Ali hasn't quite lived up to their film's heartwarming spirit. But filmmaker Danny Boyle dropped by the city to ameliorate at least some of that today, finding a new residence for Ismail and promising improved quarters for Ali soon. Which still didn't make her father happy.
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· Is the abs painter from New Moon available for one-on-one consults? Swimsuit season is just around the corner and I've been hitting the Tyson Any'tizers kind of hard lately.
· Speaking of chests! Kris Allen has something to get off his: chest hair.
· Hugh Jackman and Daniel Craig will be joining forces for a Broadway show...wow, this Buzz Break is getting too gay for even me.
· Um, let's see, anything butch out there? Uh...Kathy Griffin marched at last night's anti-Prop 8 rally in West Hollywood. Yeah. No.
· Here's the second sentence from a Details profile of Justin Gaston, beau of Miley Cyrus: "In the midst of talking about Scripture, he yanks up his shirt and tugs his pants down to reveal a toned left flank with a long tattoo that runs down to the top of his buttock." This is all because of you, California Supreme Court.
Movieline meteorologists have downgraded Valentine's Day -- that vicious category-5 romcom gathering strength off the Multiplex Coast -- following word that Katherine Heigl will not be among its participants. Reasons for the sudden change in pressure have yet to be determined, but early speculation suggests that Heigl demanded more money than New Line Cinema was willing to pay. How much more? It's Katherine Heigl -- how much do you think?
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Pictured is the July/August issue of AARP The Magazine, featuring Ron Howard on its cover. I'll admit to having initially recoiled at seeing Hollywood's Official Kid Brother for five decades running smiling alongside such coverlines as "Tennis Balls are For Tennis!: Buy a Better Walker" and "Fiber -- It's Not Just For Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner Anymore," but the Angels & Demons director/Posse Member #6 seems fully comfortable with the notion of getting older. "I want to do this until I drop," he told them. "When John Huston was directing his last movie, he was in a wheelchair and on oxygen. That's my idea of a good goal." Fair enough, but I'd say we have some catching up to do. We'll start your on three packs of filterless Camels a day and work up from there. [People]
If the trailer for Woody Allen's upcoming Whatever Works reminded you a little bit (OK, a lot) of the filmmaker's talky mid-'70s gems minus Allen and/or the humor, your apprehensions are justified this week in a New York Magazine profile.
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· Paul, the new sci-fi comedy written by and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, has pieced together its supporting cast: Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader and Jane Lynch have all signed on, in addition to Seth Rogen, who voices the alien the two leads stumble upon on a road trip to the Nevada desert. Greg Mottola directs. [Variety]
· Our long-held suspicions have been confirmed by the The New York Times: AT&T hates gay people. [NY Times]
Barring a spectacular, FDR-esque power-play in the months ahead, Sid Ganis will soon end his maximum four-year reign as president on the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. And while Ganis will be missed (I think?), at least one prognosticator is already stepping over his body to gauge potential heirs.
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America may be drowning in a tidal surge of sequels, threequels, prequels, reboots and remakes, but it doesn't have to be. Or at least it doesn't have to feel that way -- not if studios would just select its franchises with a little less cynicism and a little more taste. Like Anchorman, for example: An $85 million hit five years ago, a cult classic on DVD, received decent reviews, and featuring a generally beloved cast. Yet while Lionsgate has managed to make five Saw films in the interim, we're still waiting for DreamWorks to close a deal to bring back Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd and writer-director Adam McKay. And apparently Ferrell might be waiting for the same thing -- for a long time.
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· Greek father-and-son comedy act Stavros Flatley beat out soulful schoolboy Shaheen Jafargholi in the Britain's Got Talent semi-finals. It's sad for Shaheen, but ultimately best for the competition, as Susan Boyle will now face down challengers in similar weight and body-hair classes.
· Married real estate agents Melinda and Scott Tamkin are suing CSI producer Sarah Goldfinger for $6 million, for having loosely based some characters on them, they allege. An L.A. Superior Court judge will hear arguments in case Tamkin vs. You Gotta F**king Be Kidding Me sometime in the next few weeks.
Like a studly Michael Biehn sent back to protect Linda Hamilton, we warned you about Terminator Salvation. Fortunately, it appears that the middling box office will preclude a nightmarish version of the future in which McG gets to make two more joyless, muddled sequels, but until then, let's console ourselves with the dumb original endings that might have been. Spoilers ahead!
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