'2012' Checklist: 18 Things You'll Need if the Movie Got Doomsday Right

Depending on your conspiracy theory of choice, the world may end 11 months and change from now, give or take a few days. And just in case all of those qualified real scientists are wrong about the 2012 doomsday being complete hooey, we’ve got filmmaker Roland Emmerich’s 2009 opus 2012 on hand to guide us for the potential cataclysm ahead. So grab a notepad and jot down the 18 or so essentials you’ll need to start stockpiling if you’re going to be ready to face down ultimate destruction, John Cusack-style.

The fictional 2012 opens as the Earth’s core is being heated by a freak solar flare, which accelerates a shifting of the Earth’s crust. The resulting shift triggers earthquakes and tsunamis across the globe, leaving humanity’s only hope in a series of massive arks constructed to hold survivors… just not everyone. But them’s the breaks. Look, none of us know if we’ll make it onto greedy Oliver Platt’s ginormous boat, so it’s best to come prepared.

1. Emergency kit with the essentials – water, non-perishables, batteries, a radio, perhaps a few magazines for light reading
2. Early investments in steel and titanium interests
3. Decent relationships with your baby mama/daddy
4. A Mayan calendar
5. Disaster insurance
6. Beer
7. A limo with tires with good traction for outrunning earthquakes, family in tow
8. Advanced degree(s) in geology, astrophysics, or international relations
9. Mace for keeping the weirdo pirate radio jock you meet in the woods at arm’s length
10. A private airplane to fly your family to China as America crumbles into the sea
11. Flying lessons
12. Small fortune for buying your way onto life-saving arks at one billion euros a ticket, or
13. High level government clearance assuring privilege of being saved (also works in case of Contagion)
14. Mountaintop real estate in Africa
15. A houseboat
16. Camping gear
17. A submarine or two
18. Swimming lessons, if all else fails

Your mileage may vary with the above, but remember what's really important in times of crisis as we wait to see if Emmerich was the mystical sage I'd like to think of him as: Family. And not wetting the bed. And also looking cool while evading lava and earthquakes and tsunamis.

Let's circle back on 12/21/12 and see where we're at. Like the Boy Scouts say, be prepared...