Bad Movies We Love: Clue

10. Genuine scares!

No one will admit this, but Clue whips up a couple of real frights amid all the snapdragon-y dinner theater. When one of the guests sneaks through a secret passageway and throttles a visiting motorist with a wrench, you're witnessing a death sequence worthy of... you know, a decent PBS costume drama. You know how frightening those are. Particularly if you're a 136-year-old woman like I am.

9. Unnecessarily fantastic and nonsensical cameo #3: The Go-Gos' Jane Wiedlin

The quirky, loopy Jane plays a singing telegram girl who becomes the movie's final victim. She also knows pertinent information about Professor Plum -- but unfortunately, death seals her lips forever.

8. An inevitably dorky Gone with the Wind throwback

You can smell it coming during the opening credits, and it doesn't land until deep into the third act. When Miss Scarlet begs for forgiveness from the sleuthing Wadsworth, he responds, "Frankly, Scarlet, I don't give a damn." Rhett Butler? More like Riot Butler! It's this cheesiness that defines my Mariana Trench-deep obsession with Clue. I was LOLivia de Laugh-illand just now. See? I was made for this movie.

7. What the hell is with Yvette's death monologue?

I know Clue backwards and forwards, but the one moment that still confounds me is Yvette's (Colleen Camp, of Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, silly) final words to her hiding killer. I'm glad this bothers me, because I like having reasons to think about Clue in the middle of a random Wednesday without provocation. She speaks with a French accent throughout the movie, is exposed as a madam in Miss Scarlet's secret business, and right as she's about to get murdered we hear her explain that someone in the house recognized her from her naughty night job: "They must have. And not just my face. They know every inch of my body. And they're not the only ones..." What? Why would she have to reiterate that "they're not the only ones" if the killer already knows she's a prostitute? Someone explain this to me, please, with a comically dimwitted French accent. Sidenote: The rope in Clue is faaaaabulous.

6. Sincerely bad-ass opening credits and music

The quaint, but spooky opening calls of the Clue theme tuck us in for a night of suspicious behavior and color-coordinated characters. You're aware from those jaunty tones that B-list character actors of the '80s will be quipping and quarreling to save their lives here. I always get up and perform a fancy-footed tarantella during the opening sequence and call myself "Lieutenant Lavender." Hopefully you've stopped reading at this point and didn't notice I said that.

5. Killing husbands is so tiring.

Traditionally in the Clue game, Mrs. White is depicted as the house's maid. Since Yvette has those duties covered, Madeline Kahn is allowed to create an entirely original character -- a dour, monotone woman cloaked in funeral blacks whose dead husbands seem to pile up like blackmail payments. Mrs. White calmly explains her theory on the opposite sex: "Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable." Better yet, she explains the untimely demise of her third husband, an illusionist who vanished: "He wasn't a very good illusionist." Don't pretend that's an easy joke. Oscar Wilde would've gladly shoehorned that into The Importance of Being Earnest. Respect.

4. Mrs. Peacock's feathered battiness

Mrs. Peacock is both a nutty windbag and a cool sociopath -- but it's the former attribute that makes her magical. As she introduces herself during dinner in the dining room, she spits out a three-octave, nonsense soliloquy that a flailing protagonist in a Brecht play might proclaim before committing suicide. "Oh my! This SOUP's delicious, isn't it?" is the perfect way to end any uninteresting anecdote.

3. Lesley Ann Warren is as brassy as that candlestick

Little-known fact: Lesley Ann Warren was a last-minute addition to the Clue cast. Originally Carrie Fisher was slated for the role, but she backed out at the last minute to attend rehab for her "hay fever" (as director Jonathan Lynn once put it). No offense to Leia, but Lesley Ann Warren is simply unforgettable as the alpha-tough, intermittently histrionic Scarlet who runs a prostitution ring for kicks. Scarlet's like if Heidi Fleiss were fucking awesome. I'll give you a few hours to think about what that might be like. Hint: She'd certainly say things like, "I enjoy getting presents from strange men."

2. Tim Curry's indefatigable emceeing

The other characters bop about amiably in Clue, but Tim Curry is the movie's irreplaceable foundation as Wadsworth. Not only does he move the plot along as the "game's" moderator, but he interjects with enough remarks about Communism, Socialism, infidelities, crime, luridness and sheer fun to put Dr. Frankenfurter's gusto to shame. Can we compare Tim Curry cult phenomena for just a second? I vote that Clue destroys Rocky Horror. Brazenly dorky ensemble comedies that make sense always win over brazen dorky ensemble comedies that you have to throw food at. Barry Bostwick, stand down.

1. Madeline Kahn's greatest onscreen moment -- a total ad-lib.

Perhaps you've adored Madeline Kahn in a number of her great films, like Young Frankenstein, Paper Moon, or High Anxiety. But I doubt you can say the legendary, and very, very dearly departed actress has had a better moment than when she confesses to killing Yvette the maid. In one sublime monologue, Kahn -- looking like either MadTV's Ms. Swan as portrayed by Linda Hunt -- chirps her wacky motivation for strangling the busty maid. This monologue should be studied as a Dada art installation. Words fail me. But Clue never, ever will.

Follow Louis Virtel on Twitter.

Follow Movieline on Twitter.

Pages: 1 2 3