Live-Blogging the Shia LaBeouf-Directed Marilyn Manson Music Video 'Born Villain'

So, Shia LaBeouf directed a music video for Marilyn Manson's "Born Villain." It is so disturbing that Jen Yamato covered her eyes, I shrieked for ten seconds and a Nazi soldier applauded. (All three of those things actually happened, although one happened in the video and the other two happened at Movieline HQ.) So rather than let you watch this Jodorowsky-themed horror video alone, we live-blogged the six-minute spectacle so that we could experience it together. Warning: The 18+ rating is well-deserved.

(Scroll down to jump to the video.)

0:01 We're off and counting backwards from 10, 9, 8....So far, this is the tamest Marilyn Manson music video ever.

0:16 Ten seconds worth of black screen later, I am terrified -- especially because Jen Yamato keeps warning, "SERIOUSLY THOUGH, prepare yourself."

0:17 A gong sounds and we open on Marilyn Manson -- wearing a black overcoat, black hat and holding two veils in front of two naked women. Holy Mountain, much? Everyone is drenched in red light. Will this be a cherry-hued human sacrifice? A polygamous wedding? What does Sam Witwicky have in store for us?!

0:18 I remember that the last Marilyn Manson video I've seen is 1996's The Beautiful People and silently applaud myself on being so well-researched for this live-blogging event.

0:21 Manson now faces us as two naked females kneel in front of them. The opaque veils now cover their heads and are held in place by Manson's black finger-nailed hands. Guys, this is not the Even Stevens Movie sequel I was hoping for.

0:24 More gongs sound and the veils are lifted, revealing two solemn, normal-looking redheads. The one on the right looks like Frances Conroy.

0:27 We have movement! Frances Conroy has been turned around, back of head to camera. She is kneeling at his hip. Manson gropes her wavy, red hair.

0:30 Game changer! Now Manson is cutting her hair, lopping off big sections from different angles. This is a dry-cut too. He didn't shampoo her hair first. Not sure what this video is but one thing it is not is a haircut instructional.

0:35 He's still shearing Frances Conroy.

0:43 Redhead #2 stares dead-eyed into the camera. Insert Rosie Huntington-Whiteley joke here.

0:48 Zoom out. Frances Conroy has gotten the full, buzzed V For Vendetta.

0:49 He starts in on redhead #2. Seriously, we have to wait through another 50 seconds at Satan's Supercuts? Redhead #2 looks as thrilled (sarcasm) as we are.

0:50 You know what this video could use? Val Kilmer in sunglasses and/or a narrative.

1:00 He's still cutting. In case you haven't broken for a snack yet, now is a good time.

1:15 This is the world's worst real-time haircut music video without music.

1:16 Sure, why not a close-up of some bare knees.

1:17 Both women now have the V For Vendetta (ask for it at your local hair salon!) and continue to stare at the camera dead-eyed. Manson knocks their foreheads together for some kind of prayer. Manson leans in and presses his face into the top of their heads.

1:30 Uh, paging Disturbia. We have zoomed out to see Manson watching over the shaved, naked and now greased Frances Conroy twins as they kneel into each other.

1:40 Manson does some weird sign of the cross/stroke victim movement signaling the end of this chapter. My prayers have been answered.

1:49 Music starts and we are in a dark living room. An old, bald guy with glasses (Bizarro Larry David) is sitting next to a weird boy child who looks like Ellen Page in full mime makeup. This could go a couple different ways...but my bet is pedophilia. [Editor's note/pretentious reading: This scene is a personal aside from director LaBeouf exorcising the demons of his own youth as a child clown performer. The old man should be wearing Mickey Mouse ears to signify the artistic rape Shia endured in his early career. LaBeouf = ARTISTE.]

1:58 Two blindfolded models (one with black hair and one with yellow -- not blonde -- yellow hair) lean their heads into each other.

2:02 "Oh, just another great day on set," is what I imagine Shia said after wrapping the scene in which Bizarro Larry David creepily leans into drag prince Ellen Page and whispers something.

2:06 "Naked blindfolded chicks play patty cake while strobe lights flicker," is how I imagine Marilyn Manson pitched this shot.

2:10 The naked blindfolded chicks have now made a bridge with their arms and Manson, dressed as a surgeon now, crawls underneath.

2:18 You know how people tell you about their dreams in excruciating detail and you don't care? This music video is every disturbing dream that I never want to hear about.

2:20 Bizarro Larry David has his hand on the thigh of drag prince Ellen Page. There appears to be a couch struggle but strobe lights prevent us from really seeing anything.

2:35 After a pin-up crucifix flickers on the screen, we get Marilyn Manson in a jaunty tie. The music is gone. He announces, all priest-like (I imagine that is what LaBeouf's screen direction was), "Life is but a walking shadow." He stares into the camera, says something about "sound and fury."

2:58 CUT TO A GUY IN A NAZI UNIFORM CLAPPING.

3:01 Cut to a drag queen watching two androgynous folk having sex in a glass case.

3:06 Cameo by an old man with no legs and a hook for an arm.

3:13 A dominatrix ringleader plays William Tell with a man with different-sized eyes...except instead of shooting the apple, she shoots the man in the head. Afterward, he removes an eye.

3:43 Strobe lights.

4:07 Old man with hook for arm strokes a curvaceous black woman.

4:15 Naked women in blindfolds clap.

4:16 Sh*t just got real. Marilyn Manson is piercing a long needle through a woman's cheek. At least he's wearing a glove?

4:18 My roommate knocks on door to see why I am screaming. It's because Marilyn Manson is now pulling the needle back and forth through the woman's cheek, dragging flesh with it each time. Here's a picture.

4:26 Glad that cheek thrashing lasted ten seconds.

4:42 Marilyn Manson strokes the face of a woman wearing a steel muzzle. It was bound to happen.

4:43 Marilyn Manson lights himself on fire. Also bound to happen.

5:05 Manson is in full surgeon gear, now sewing an eye into someone's abdomen.

5:12 Oh wait! He didn't sew an eyeball into someone's abdomen. He sewed it into someone's vagina. At least, I think that is what happened? Feedback please!

5:13 Oh, cool. A bloody, topless redhead is being hung from meat hooks. I hope they put this in your lifetime achievement reel, Shia.

5:14 Crucifix in flames.

5:36 Manson shoots pedophile Larry David in the head for his crime on drag prince Ellen Page.

5:52 Woman exhales cigarette smoke, blood spurts from an open wound, Manson adjusts his hat.

6:03 More topless women in blindfolds and Manson screams.

6:12 A surgeon puts a cigarette out on a woman's body. Woman hanging on meat hooks and elderly man with a hook for an arm make last-minute cameos, allaying my concern that I wouldn't get to say goodbye to these freaks.

6:30 A lion roars and the music video finally ends. Uh, thoughts?