Bad Movies We Love: The Wiz

Happy belated birthday to Michael Jackson, who would've turned 53 on Tuesday like his Oscars date Madonna did a couple weeks ago. May Michael thrive in heaven's Neverland where the PYTs go on forever. Since we haven't toasted MJ yet, why not revisit the Baddest Movie We Love of 1978, The Wiz? Wait, I know why: Because we hate dancing and fun. Wait. No. Reverse that! Let's strap on our flyest ruby slippers and ease on down the road!

The Wiz is a retelling of The Wizard of Oz with Manhattan taking the place of Oz and a weird gray gloominess taking the place of glee. Maybe that's too harsh, but not really: Though the poster promises "The Wizard of Oz in a Super Soul Musical!," it's more like "The Wizard of Oz in a Taxi Driver Haze!" In fact, The Wizard of Oz is to The Wiz as Peter Pan is to Hook -- a clownish, overblown, but oddly sinister regurgitation.

Diana Ross plays Dorothy as a morose urbanite in a big family. She's whisked away in a snowstorm to Oz where she meets The Scarecrow (Michael Jackson), a World's Fair robot Tin Man (Nipsey Russell), and a dandy-ass lion (Ted Ross). Their adventures on the Yellow Brick Road take them through Coney Island's Cyclone roller coaster, past the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and up to a green-lit World Trade Center. It's a cool idea that gets lost in Diana Ross's drab performance and sheer overlength, but please: See this movie. You have five good reasons to paddle through its 134-minute runtime, and most of them are danceable.

5. That lion can jive!

Not to disparage Bert Lahr, but I can't imagine a more happenin' leonine badass than Ted Ross. As the only cast member to jump from the Broadway musical to the film version, he lends some much-needed effervescence here. And some god-damn jive-stepping! Strut, lion! Strut! You're a mean ole lion! Sweep your tail like a handkerchief, you shimmying cat! Now pony! Sway! Gimme that coward defiance! Gimme that Born Free boogaloo! Pounce now! Pounce on the floor! One caveat: It might've been cooler if the Cowardly Lion were played by Chaka Khan. We were all thinking it. But otherwise, you fluff that mane, Sassy Simba! Get it in my face!

4. And then Dorothy ran into vindictive hookers.

When Judy Garland dozed off thanks to Technicolor opium in the '39 Oz, it was a lovely spell. In The Wiz, Dorothy's trip is somehow darker: A bunch of prostitutes nicknamed the Poppy Girls try to poison the traveling quartet with "magic dusting powder." We've all been to that party. Fortunately, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and the Tin Man wake up with all their credit cards and dignities intact, but it's a pretty Dada moment in a tame musical. You'd think one of the Poppy Girls would be original Wiz star Stephanie Mills or late '70s bad girl Donna Summer, but no, we're stuck with regular old strumpets. Cute enough, though.

3. You listen to Lena Horne, Dorothy!

As The Wiz's Glinda proxy, Lena Horne lights up in the screen with her unblinking enchantress stare and Disney villain glitter cape. She's like Candy Land's Queen Frostine, if instead of loving candy she whipped candy asses into shape all day. Va-va-voom, this star of stars! I'll allow her climactic performance of "If You Believe" to stand on its own, knock you over, and introduce you to a better world. And beat you up again afterwards.

2. Nipsey Russell's deranged robot tears

Mr. Russell took time off from flashing smiles on Match Game '78 to play the affable Tin Man, who looks a little like he's wearing a suit of dried blood and entrails over Robin Williams' Bicentennial Man getup. He's a joy in the part, but like most robots, he's also a horror show. At one point, the Tin Man weeps about his heartlessness, shooting tears perpendicularly like a malfunctioning battlebot in Real Steel. It's too much to handle, and far too hilarious to forget. Charles Nelson Reilly probably cackled at this.

1. "Ease on Down the Road" is your daddy

Michael Jackson gives a sweet, overly juvenile performance as the Scarecrow. In fact, it's revealing. The Scarecrow bemoans his insecurities and stares with such desperate longing into Dorothy's eyes that it's impossible not to think about Michael's famous friendship with Diana Ross. It's endearing and sad, a little like most of Michael's sincerest moments.

Alas, you will not cry today: His big number "Easy on Down the Road" is the highpoint of this movie, one of the greatest musical tunes of the '70s, and almost hot enough to supplant "Dancing Machine" as Michael's funkiest pre-Off the Wall moment. Watch as he works those dangerous legs, skips with Dorothy into a trippy New York postcard, and unleashes the vocals that even your great-grandchildren will cherish someday. Ow!