Bad Movies We Love: Charlie's Angels
Long before Bad Teacher, Cameron Diaz was a worse student (ha!) of karate and Soul Train choreography in Charlie's Angels. Shoot my face off. What a candy-colored crapden of jailbait, misery, and shattered dreamboards this movie is. What a clumsy potato gun aimed right at Jaclyn Smith's glowing visage. What a grim greeting to a decade that throttled us with movie remakes of outdated TV shows. What a barrel of burp gas dumped on Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, and all women, feathered or not. What a glorious rapture.
Charlie's Angels stars Cammy D., Drew B*More, and Lu-Liu as secret agents who work for a mysterious man named Charlie (John Forsythe), a jocular boss who gives orders on an intercom. Bill Murray acts as their intermediary Bosley, and if you think Bill nailed misery and alienation in Lost in Translation, you'll think he's Kafka himself in this project. Just astonishingly depressing, like the taste of elephant dung from Larger Than Life still lingers on his soft palate. Everyone else in the film is either a dunderheaded boyfriend type for the Angels (Matt LeBlanc, Luke Wilson, Tom Green) or their enemy (Kelly Lynch, Sam Rockwell). Or LL Cool J (LL Cool J). And with that, we soar into the five most lovable attributes of this $75 million scab.
5. The intricate plot
Here it is, the complete story of Charlie's Angels in three meaningful panels.
No doubt about it, that's three panels. If you actually tried to follow the "story" of Charlie's Angels, you'd come up with something having to do with bad guys, boat trips, Japanese disguises, dance moves, and Matrix-style backbends. And then you'd come down with something having to do with a heart attack, because this movie isn't for thinkers. Stop it, Mom.
4. The subtle dialogue
We've established that the movie is garish enough in execution not to warrant zany dialogue, but Charlie's Angels is not about restraint. It's not about not screwing up. In an early scene, Diaz (wearing just a baby tee and undies) informs a postal worker that he can "feel free to stick things in [her] slot" -- referring to the mail, guh-her! -- and later, Lucy Liu tells a disgusting creep who wants to hire her for massage services, "Thanks for the offer but my hands aren't going anywhere near your staff" -- referring to his personnel, yee-hee! Oh, death. Find me.
3. An opening sequence featuring LL Cool J and a throwback to Scooby Doo villains
LL Cool J starts off the movie with some ass-kicking on an airplane! Neeeeeat. Then he jumps off the airplane and parachutes to safety! Then this grotesque sequence occurs, and it's my own Human Centipede of distorted reality and bodily freaky-deakiness. All presented with a handful of Hanna-Barbera charm.
Yes, that's Drew Barrymore under there! And maybe under her, it's the old prospector. Or the carnival owner. Or, ugh, Scrappy Doo. We'll settle for Drew.
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Comments
You have officially gone too far. First you suggested "Cruel Intentions" was a bad movie. As if! But now to suggest "Charlie's Angels" is bad as well? Sir, you have offended me. 🙂
You want to see a REALLY bad movie that people (including myself) idolize? Check out "The Apple". It's one of the worst movies ever made, and yet there is something about it that I love. When it finally became available on DVD, I bought it instantly, LOL.
This seemed a bit more like a "Bad Movies We Hate" 'cause I'm not seeing any of the "Love". I like that this film has color and isn't afraid to be stupid. (Which makes it the opposite of most action films) The action scenes are a blast (and stupid). Glover and Rockwell give great performances. "Smack My Bitch Up" was used ironically. This movie and its sequel are what they invented chapter stops for> Only about 60% of either film is worth watching, but I watch it over and over and consistently hit the pause button. (I like sexy ladies!) I wish they made more movies like this! Fast cars, sexy women, bright colors, stupidity, big explosions, great character actors getting to run wild. GIVE ME MORE!!!
Add me to the list of fans. Yes, there is soo much wrong with this film but it's got charm and fun in spades.
Its attempts at cheese are so knowing that it's kinda painful, like satire interspersed with stagey winks. The best scene is Drew Barrymore fighting her way out of captivity to "Song #2", which was more Joss Whedon than the movie generally allowed itself. The whole premise of "these are powerful women, so they have to be ditzes and dufuses to keep audience sympathy onside" is a notion so old-fashioned it predates the original Angels - yet seems to be perennial.
And compared to the second one in terms of narrative cohesion, the first one plays like like a Billy Wilder film.
C'mon, this movie is a blast. It's slick and fun entertainment, with a decent story for its type (Sam Rockwell is great).