American Idol Top 6: Carole In Peril!

You're incorrect if you think "Carole King week" is a boring idea. Shut up, ugly girl. You know who sang Carole King songs? Aretha Franklin, Dusty Springfield and Laura Nyro. Read: not chumps. Carole is a no-nonsense Brooklyn broad who majored in dreamweaving and wrote the most gorgeous -- and eventually, anthemic -- songs of the '60s and '70s. You tolerated Elton John week, and he and Bernie wrote lyrics like, "Daniel, my brother, you are older than me." Shut up again. Carole is a sorceress and Idol is not good enough for her, but these miniature hucksters tried with all of their lunch money and Star Search gestures to honor her. We have six performers and nine performances to rank; let's feel like natural women and claw their faces off.

9. Casey Abrams, "Hi-De-Ho That Old Sweet Roll"

Theory: Carole King did not mean to write this song. I imagine Gerry Goffin fell down the stairs, hollered something, and Carole jokingly yelled "Hi-De-Ho" because she wanted a divorce. (And the mic was on.) Strange that Casey is still praised for his "unconventional" style, because there's nothing even slightly out-of-the-box about being plain awful. Casey is often useless on the Idol stage, transforming my beloved, blood-red Idol stadium into some jazz band concert from hell. Last night was no exception. Redbeard, your hirsute halcyon days are over.

8. James Durbin and Jacob Lusk, "I'm Into Something Good"

You may have noticed that every male left on Idol is a creepy preteen. They hump the judges like toddlers in a mutiny, lick their man-children lips, and now sneer, "Something tells me I'm into something good!" while Mrs. Marc Anthony covers her naked gams in shame. They're hyenas in mall vests. Possums in Aeropostale. I barely even noticed James and Jacob's vocals on the Herman's Hermits hit because their performance was so saturated with smut choreography and Lopez leg-feel that the nation neatly removed its genitals and discarded them in a grease fire. It was not hot. And it was not a memorable or heartfelt vocal either. And if Jacob Lusk ever pets a judge's limbs again, may they be the gnarled arms and Heidi Fleissian cheekbones of Steven Tyler.

7. Jacob Lusk, "Oh No, Not My Baby"

This could've been another song that Jacob Lusk turned into a weepy jag, but I'll hand him exactly two square inches of credit for showing restraint here. The bobbly gumdrop dance moves were like knives to my groin and brain, for sure, but I have to say: I kinda think he deserves another week in the competition if Casey Abrams still hasn't met his end. Now, I'm going to throw myself in a trash compactor, because I'm not a person who loves Jacob Lusk. It's just -- ugh, Casey thinks he rules and Jacob thinks he sucks. I sympathize with the latter sentiment (because it's true), and totally resent the former.

6. Lauren Alaina, "Where You Lead"

Leave it to Boren to choose the most beige, inconsequential song on Carole King's Tapestry. She knows that "It's Too Late" was available, right? And "Smackwater Jack"? She didn't have to choose the song that suits the rock n' roll lifestyle of Lorelai Gilmore? Poor girl. Another hapless week of passable trilling for Lauren, whose uninterrupted streak of positive judging needs a serious wedgie. If she weren't one of two ladies left in the competition, she'd be downright forgettable, no? Haley Reinhart is serving up smiley cloudbursts and unicorn dances, and Lauren's just drooping around like she's early for homeroom. Come on, y'all. Vote Silly Struthers down a notch.

5. James Durbin, "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow"

I hate that I agreed with Jen-Lope when she said James never had a bad week in the competition. She's nothing but right, that Fat Joe collaborator. James hits the notes, whoops it up with WWE lighting and Cirque du So Lame theatricality, and he makes a memorable moment every single time. But this week? I loved the opening a cappella segment where James tapped into the deep vulnerability of this, Carole King's 1960 masterpiece for The Shirelles, but the lounge-level midtempo stank of the performance's latter half left me cold. Gone were the emotion, strength, and sheer presence of the song. I always dislike how Idol contestants (and So You Think You Can Dance contestants, for sure) are at the mercy of musicians and arrangers, who pretty much dictate the power of their performances, but James didn't help matters with his uninspired second-half. Squints Van Der Beek will no doubt progress in the competition, but I'd love to see him in the bottom three just once. Just to see his squinty worry get real effing squinty.

4. Scotty McCreery and Lauren Alaina, "Up on the Roof"

Now, these two are supposed to be in love, right? Ryan Seacrest certainly brought it up 90 times. They seem uncomfortable by that, like Nigel Lythgoe shoehorned them into a surrey with the fringe on top, and now they have to star in a community theater version of Oklahoma with Jimmy Iovine's total bitch step-niece Agnes. Credit where it's due, these two children barked in the right away. Lauren led with the roof-raisin' yelps, and Scotty trailed behind with signature lockemdoors terror -- but both of these performers also suffer from a syndrome called I BELIEVE I AM THIS CUTE-oriasis. They are sure they're the cutest. Honestly? Bee-striped hair sucks, Lauren. I knew this girl in high school with a misspelled Gen Y name who had similar hair, and she tried to major "in cheerleading" (according to Facebook). Don't be that striped monster, Lauren. I'll kill you. Or, never mind, Scotty will. (Convicted killer.)

3. Haley Reinhart and Casey Abrams, "I Feel the Earth Move"

My choice for finest duet of the night was this spirited soul romp from awesome Haley "I Feel the Earth Growl" Reinhart and grunty Casey "I Feel the Bowels Move" Abrams. Lots of moving there, even if it's gastrointestinal. I just adored the blithe ebullience Haley treated this performance with, that gentle wankery I so appreciate in an 11-year-old star. She ruled here. And she more than compensated for Casey's "inspired" vocal runs, which brought this performance d-d-d-down, D-D-D-DOWN.

2. Scotty McCreery, "You've Got a Friend"

"You've got a friend," murmured the dirt-road murderer before he decapitated you with his grandfather's pick ax. Yep, same old homicidal overtones with Grim Cousin McCreery last night, who got real gurgly and murderlicious in the phrasing department, even if he built a "true idol moment" with his version of the beloved King/James Taylor hit. What a bizarre mix of reactions I still have to Scotty. "What a gimmicky-ass hokester who sewed k.d. lang's face onto his," is always the first reaction. The second is, "I suppose he is in tune!" And the third is, "Don't you even sit there in your blue-ass leather jacket like you're Jimmy Iovine's pet yokel ferret and get 'sincere' with us. Don't even." I liked the arrangement, country feel, and even most of Scotty's vocals here, but I don't like him as a stoop-sittin' balladeer. It's too phonily earnest. Earnest Scared Stupid. It feels like hayride entertainment, not Idoldrome supremacy. I can't deny that he sold the damn song, but he can't sell me on any poetic intentions other than recreating the corn belt chill of American Gothic.

1. Haley Reinhart, "Beautiful"

Oh, shoot. I just harpooned Randy Jackson and he died right away. Now we'll never get to hear more of his unjustified barbs against Haley Reinhart, who effing slayed this sh*t, you confused-ass peanut M&M jackass ass. Hate you. Haley Reinhart enacted her Hands Across America sways again, threw you some big trick-or-treater grins, and just felt all of this Carole King standard. More like Clapestry, because I couldn't stop clapping. God. This girl's taken a real journey on the Idol stage, moving from cloying "Fallin'" wannabe to self-owned wannabe in record time. That's a transformation! She knows she's just winging it up there, but I love that about her -- that rambunctious, overtly giddy, c'est-la-vie, c'est-la-Idol-stupidity attitude. It is unreal that Lauren Alaina is more of a frontrunner than Haley is. Do you honestly even remember Lauren's performance? What was it, again? "Hairstreaks & Jean Skirts feat. Boredom"? Right. Haley forever, y'all, and Randy? May the fabulous, vindictive ghost of Didi Benami haunt your white-girl-dissing ways for life.