American Idol Top 7: The 2000s, A Stale Odyssey

"Songs from the 21st Century!" It sounds like a Timbaland biography or a pitiful, latter-day Rod Stewart album, but it was only an American Idol theme devoted to songs these infants might know. Did you dig my girl Naima's hip-hopping, Tae Kwon Do antics during the kickoff performance of "So What" with the other losers? I almost cried and bicycle kicked the TV with my dreadlocks. She's still stan-deen! Meanwhile, seven non-losers remain in this perky pageant, and we need to rank them according to how much I don't want to kill them. Let's move.

7. Jacob Lusk: Luther Vandross' "Dance With My Father"

For the record, I can think of no worse fate than dancing with my father to "Dance With My Father." Besides listening to this performance ever again, obviously. Lusk the blubbermonger finally whipped out a Luther Vandross tune, a promise he made back when there was a chance somebody'd care, and the results were just as you expected -- weepy, pitch-unfriendly, murderous to animals, and self-congratulatory in the emotions department. Randy had the nerve to suggest he "not hold back" next week, but what's left to hold back? Literal shrieks? A gunshot? I sympathize since Jacob couldn't hear much in his earpiece (besides drums, he claimed), but the bottom line is, I could hear just fine. So I'm furious. Let's pretend X-Factor winner Joe McElderry came back and sang his rendition of "Dance With My Father." All better.

6. Casey Abrams: Maroon 5′s "Harder to Breathe"

Cheeky song selection, Redbeard! You and I know damn well that Maroon 5's Adam Levine will be starring on NBC's disastrous-looking The Voice this summer, sitting on a swiveling La-Z-Boy next to that genocide of wigs called Christina Aguilera. "Makes Me Wonder" if you're mocking that show, and I hope you are, because there'd be 1/19th of a chance I'd like you again. Of all the contestants this season (with the possible exception of Scotty McCreery), Casey's egomania has snowballed most, forcing him into a ridiculous sequence of eyebrow jolts, attention-driven growls, and now, kiss-kiss spectacles with Jennifer Lopez. If Jacob Lusk was annoying last night, then Casey Abrams was annoying and gross. The only leg up he has is that he took the blandest of pop-rock fare and somewhat successfully married it to his dork-jazz sensibilities.

5. Scotty McCreery: LeAnn Rimes' "Swingin'"

Has Scotty ever listened to a radio? LeAnn Rimes is not on it. Not this century. Unless "Swingin'" is an unusually tame contribution to the Coyote Ugly soundtrack, in which case I needed Piper Perabo to cavort on a porch swing during Scotty's performance. Even if you forgive this beyond-pollyanna song and its twanged-out bumpkin chorus, it's harder to let go of Scotty's uninspired trilling. For the first time ever, the judges called out his safe choices and refusal to dig outside his comfort zone -- which was life-affirming. Literally. Because his comfort zone is "murder ballads." And he's going to take his grandfather's rifle and shoot your ass in the tall grass. But this is old news now.

4. Lauren Alaina: Sara Evans' "Born to Fly"

I had high hopes for Lauren Alaina this week. The Dixie Chicks songbook contains plenty of dandy 21st-century selections ("Travelin' Soldier," "Not Ready to Make Nice") and even a soupcon of Shania crowd-pleasers ("I'm Gonna Getcha Good"). Sara Evans, however, is someone I might've had a rhetoric class with in college. Lauren "Silly Struthers" Alaina missed the relevance boat in a week where the theme was "Please Be Current, You Worthless Preteens." She didn't exactly miss notes in her performance, but she sort of missed her entire performance. As the last song of the night, it should've been plenty more memorable than it was. I seem to remember hair streaks? A denim something? An unending half-smile? Or was this... just a nightmare of mine?

3. Stefano Langone: Ne-Yo's "Closer"

Did anyone else notice this week that Stefano is the hottest man I've ever seen? It crossed my mind. Those willy-nilly suspenders, impossibly taut pants, and sewn-on tee shirt had me fanning myself like the most excited geisha of all. God. Say what you will about his penchant for oversell, but Stefano's voice is current. It's more current than Casey Abrams, y'all. And Jacob. And James. And even Lauren. Unfortunately, amid all the proclaiming and jive-stepping Stefano accomplished, he forgot to sing much of the song. He all but avoided the chorus with a single glory note and more thrusting. He deserves a medal for the latter task, and I'm giving him the bronze today. My recap! Not yours!

2. James Durbin: Muse's "Uprising"

Now, what is Muse? I hear that name a lot. It strikes me as a band, but I can't be sure it's not a puppet troupe, a computer operating system, or a German dance hall. Whatever it is, James Durbin voted to join 2011 with his spot-on cover of their "Uprising," and his rock-n-roll squints added to the fun. I'm sorry that he dressed like a punk horseman from Medieval Times, and I'm also sorry he used a drumline straight out of the Nick Cannon filmography. Honestly, a marching band? What is this, Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk"? Bottom line, Durbin's made more interesting song selections than most in the past few weeks, and it's looking like he's a contender for Top 2. Ride your cloth tail to freedom, you thumb-faced man!

1. Haley Reinhart: Adele's "Rolling in the Deep"

I haven't paid much attention to this Adele. As I understand it, she's a handsome broad with a Carnegie Hall voice who bleats. Good. I also understand that her songs make little sense, because "chasing pavements" and "rolling in the deep" are not real phrases. They sound mistranslated to me, like fortune cookies or Pokemon cards or the names of Gwyneth's kids. I'm psyched that Adele's not singing about Rapunzel and bumper cars like Taylor Swift, but this broad in a bun isn't the new Joni Mitchell, hags and homos. Haley Reinhart, on the other hand, is a throaty minx with toddler hand gestures, and I'll sext a couple votes for that. Such a gamechanging performance this week for Ms. Reinhart. She wailed successfully on "Bennie and the Jets" and "Piece of My Heart," but she still hadn't found the contemporary match to her Tonka-tough grunts. "Rolling in the Deep" grounded her jazzy schmazz in a sinister cool, and I've been waiting for that second triumph since her highly underrated "I'm Your Baby Tonight" cover. She's got nerve, this gesticulating wannabe, and that's more than Scotty, Lauren and Jacob. If she breaks the Top 5, I'll bawl in relief, but for now she's a dark horse with a jazzily tossed mane.