In Memoriam: American Idol's Eighth Place Contestant

Another Thursday came, went, and ruined the life of an Idol hopeful. We'll never know why he/she bit the dust, but we can honor his/her legacy with an amusing diatribe disguised as a tribute. So, who was the loser? Was it the murderous heartland terrorizer Scotty McCreery? The winsome Paul McDonald? Pia Toscano again, just to be hilarious? Or was it Lauren Alaina, Haley Reinhart, Casey Abrams, James Durbin, or that beleaguered little punchinello Stefano Langone? The answer and eulogy await you.

Once again the bottom three included Stefano Langone and Haley Reinhart, but in a not-so-surprising upset, the last-place finisher was erratic clapper Paul McDonald.

Legacy: Mr. McDonald lent a "tired tabby" coo to the competition that was, at the very least, original. His versions of "Blackbird" (with Kendra Chantelle), "Maggie May," and "Rocket Man" sent a spooky purr down the spines of pop's great songwriters. He's like if the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp subsisted on a hookah diet. His rose-emblazoned suits will forever be... rose-emblazoned, I guess.

We Will Miss Most: His trippy-dippy stage antics (also known as "stumblecore"). His Mentadent grin. His seriously inventive way with the Elton John catalog. His penchant for covering songs that your great-aunt is obsessed with. And that puzzling voice, which is officially best described as "squirrely Donald Duck."

What Could've Been: A horrifying copycat version of "You're Beautiful" for next week's "Songs from the 21st Century" theme, a stony "I Will Survive" cover during Disco Week, and a beyond-stumbly rendition of "Lean Back" during "Outdated Rap Novelty Songs" week.

Closing Words: Paul, when you asked, "Everybody having a good time?" at the top of every performance, I always responded, "Yes," (with my best chipmunk chutzpah [chutzmunk]). But now that you've disappeared, there is officially no edge to Idol's remaining contestants. Please water your suit and blossom into something better than whatever Jacob Lusk's future is.