American Idol Top 8 Recap: I Walk the Movieline

It's Movieline week* on American Idol, loves. The eight remaining contestants sang songs from the cinema, and in honor of Movieline, they were awesome, sexually virile, and kind of funny! I half-expected Stefano Langone to break into a rib-tickling Bad Movies We Love monologue! As usual, it's our duty to rake through Idol's talent, blubbering nuisances and potential murderers to rank the best and worst performances. Compare your listing with ours, but don't complain when it turns out you and your opinions are a mistake.

[*Ahem, unofficially.]

8. Jacob Lusk, "Bridge Over Troubled Water"

First of all, let's give "the soundtrack to The Pursuit of Happyness" a big round of applause. What a Billboard-stomping phenom that was. Literally any song qualifies for Movie Week consideration if ancient tunes on soundtrack compilations count, and The Pursuit of Happyness's album is just a string of old hits. Worse, the version of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" on the album is Roberta Flack's, which I don't believe Jacob sang here. You know what he did though? He gurgled like a jelly-filled demon from the Molasses Swamp again. He buzzed his lips and cawed like some turkey vulture's zaftig great-aunt. He sounded like a Biblical fight between Luther Vandross and a horse wielding a castration machine. He should've winked when he sang, "And pain is all around," because my god, pain spilled through the vents and sent asthmatic children and most cats into heaving attacks. If this doesn't earn Jacob a one-way ticket to the bottom three, none of my dreams are on their way. Sail on, silver gurgle. Sail on by.

7. Paul McDonald, "That Old Time Rock N' Roll"

And oh? This? Was an unfriendly party platter of stupid. I always get nervous when Paul arrives onstage wearing one of Madonna's rose-emblazoned jumpsuits from 2000, because it makes me wonder if he thought more about looking like a hip chipmunk feller than sounding like a singer. Pardoning the abysmal song choice for just a second, Paul sabotaged his chances at greatness by choosing to compete with Bob Seger's vocals. Bob, the "Like a Rock" rambler, uses his full voice. Paul uses 1/7 of a purr. No contest there. Plus, you may have noticed that "That Old Time Rock N' Roll" is abysmal. I said it a second ago, and I'm returning to it now. Terrible, Coors-drenched nightmare.

6. Haley Reinhart, "Call Me"

Just when Haley's swimmy hand-dances were beginning to work for her, she falls behind with a fine, but inconsistent rendition of Blondie's biggest hit. Serious question: What kind of planet are we living on that "Call Me" is Blondie's most popular song? I am a "Dreaming"/"Hanging on the Telephone" man, and I'm cooler than the world for it. Vocally, there's just nothing going on in the verses of this howler, and Haley found that out the hard way when she fumbled for stage presence halfway into the tune. I found her choruses just as confusing, actually. Was that an overdubbed second vocal? Or is she just doing Edgar Bergen tricks and making it seem like there's four of her up there? I suspect the former. It sounded doctored and Glee-ish to me, and for that, let us temporarily stow Haley in a closet of knives and fire. I don't tolerate that visit from Autotunia, and Debbie Harry doesn't either. But trust: Haley's still my post-Naima hero, and I need her to win this damn thing. Use your flipper-like hands to freestyle back into the lead, dear!

5. Casey Abrams, "Nature Boy"

What a strange display of vulnerability and inability here! I wrote "Interesting Failure!" at the top of Casey Abrams's scorecard like a patronizing English teacher. Let's start at the beginning: The bossa nova lilt of Casey's Nat King Cole cover was endearing and lovely. The upright bass, the whispering percussion, and the delicate piano reminded me of -- wait for it -- Sheryl Crow's performance of "Begin the Beguine" in De-Lovely. (Your homosexuality intake today just quadrupled.) It was aching and heartfelt. Casey really let down his strawberry beard for us. But then came the vocals, which were so tuneless, soul-deprived, and dorky that I felt relocated to a high-school jazz-band dinner dance. This isn't the first time that Casey's vocals sabotaged a solid soundscape, y'all. I give him points for trying, but I also give myself a basket of stuffed animals for surviving.

4. Scotty McCreery, "I Cross My Heart"

Enough, Scotty. No more lonesome murderer vocals. No more. Did Randy suggest we congratulate Scotty for choosing a George Strait song? As if it was a revelatory gesture on McSneery's part? This is yet another expected performance from a troubadour who is never criticized for his slim repertoire, and I'm sick of it. I'm also sick of how he sings well every single week. I'm sick of his ongoing potential to win the season. Can we talk about stage presence? Because the sinister Count Chocula fingers and obnoxious eyebrow jolts scare children of all sizes, and I'm one of them. Plus, as I mention every week, Scotty's weird smugness reminds me of violent children, which only lends credibility to my theory that he clobbered Miss Louella Jane Pitney of Quiet Hell, Nebraska with a rickety pitchfork. You know he's got a homicidal streak! You know he stalks the heartland! I wouldn't make this up!

3. Stefano Langone, "End of the Road"

I talk about Idol a lot, and I spend far too much of that time justifying my love for Stefano Langone. I personally believe his relevance speaks for itself: The R&B bleat thing is happening right now. That Bruno Mars fellow? Is real. I also like that Stefano gets holy onstage, stomping around in ecstatic confusion like we've arrived at chapter 16 of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." He adds fervor to often fetid material, and Idol is about as fervor-free as ever right now. We need his hanky-dabbled histrionics. Now, "End of the Road" is a terrible song for being an unbelievable chart smash, and I wish Stefano had picked something more relevant, like, uh, "Wild Wild West" or "Gangster's Paradise" or anything. But again, he overcame the lameness with gusto. I applaud his versatility in the competition, and I wish the judges gave him credit for outreaching one-trick baloneys like Scotty and Jacob.

2. Lauren Alaina, "The Climb"

I've said it before: Lauren Alaina only succeeds with songs about juvenile longing. She's 5 after all. Her best performance to date, in my eyes, is "You Keep Me Hangin' On," and she just matched that rendition's emphatic jolt with this modern Idol standard. "The Climb," as she put it, is so Idol. It's got the message, the climax, and the crowd-captivating arc. Also, it was originally sung by the sandpaper-voiced trucker from Joy Ride, so Lauren could only improve on it. Conventional take on the tune, to be sure, but a solid one from start to finish.

1. James Durbin, "Heavy Metal"

I've given James the #1 spot more times than is probably right, but can you deny that he attacks each song with the gale-force of a million squinty infants? He's like the Muppet Babies version of Adam Lambert. A little cuter, a little angst-ier, and sporting a haircut that looks styled with No Tears shampoo. "Heavy Metal" was an unusual song choice (if only because I'd never heard of it), but I'm actually glad he resisted 106-year-old California Raisin Jimmy Iovine and folded-arms aficionado Will.I.Am. A total knockout, this performance, and I don't expect the word "knockout" to describe anything in Sammy Hagar's world, apart from maybe a backstage brawl at the Whiskey A Go-Go in 1988.