That's What I Am Trailer: How Many Coming-of-Age Tropes Can You Spot?

Poor Ed Harris. Poor Amy Madigan. Poor WWE Superstar Randy Orton. They're all pawns in the surf-music-laden nostalgia of the '60s in the new trailer for That's What I Am. The coming-of-age movie concerns an eighth-grade boy's formative experiences with change, a wonderful teacher, and an outcast named Stanley whose sad soundbites -- for some reason -- are making me cry with laughter. Let's count up the cliches!

1. Candy-colored everything.

2. Children who talk like grownups: "Stanley has something that most people will never have. Dignity." Ha! Stop hogging all the dignity, Stanley.

3. The "Beach Boys" music.

4. The jauntily bow-tied and inspiring teacher (Ed Harris). According to The Hollywood Reporter, there's a scene where Harris's character, who comes under fire when a vicious lie spreads about his sexuality, "reads a Joan of Arc biography to the class" to "emphatically underline his own martyrdom." Classroom lessons as metaphors for character struggles! My favorite!

5. The innocent dreamgirl. I wish she looked more like Danica McKellar too.

6. The helpful narration, "This is a tale of love's first awkward steps."

7. The spineless best friend who is present to egg on our protagonist's puppy love.

8. The outcast's sappily pathetic reply, "I can do the work and you can turn it in. Your friends don't have to know." Uh, fine. I'm going to the mall. Freak.

Anybody else in need of a Stand By Me viewing to wash off the stench of this dissertation in earnestness? Or A Christmas Story or The Sandlot? Or seasons 1-6 of The Wonder Years? I'm starting now.

Verdict: The rage of innocence.