In Memoriam: American Idol's Ninth Place Contestant

Oh, these Idol funerals. So touching, devastating, and hilarious every time. Last night another fist-pumping soulster was ousted, and the other eight survivors looked on in tweenage terror. Who got the boot? Was it the trembling televangelist Stefano Langone? Was it the once-saved Casey Abrams? Or what about another lady evictee, just for the hell of it? Let's commemorate the life of another loser after the jump.

After a bottom three that included Jacob Lusk (go, America!), Pia Toscano (scandal!), and Stefano Langone (bien sur), America chose to let go... Pia Toscano.

HAHA! OK, I'm sad, I mean. Sort of. Because this sucks and it also doesn't: Yes, it's awful that Idol is run by a predominantly female fanbase that votes for Lee DeWyze over Crystal Bowersox and Tim effing Urban over Didi Benami, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Because Pia? Is scathingly dull. I have a problem with anyone who beats 125,000 other auditioners, is given a magnificent chance, and says, "I'm going to sing overplayed, dated songs every week." Let's move on to the funeral.

Legacy: Pia leaves behind a trove of well-respected performances, including "I'll Stand by You," "All in Love is Fair," and "Where Do Broken Hearts Go?" Famously, her name is an anagram of "NO TAPIOCAS," because she's not as exciting as rice pudding, "COO PINATAS," because she is hollow, paper-mache husks of coos, and now "SOAP ACTION," because she's had the most melodramatic elimination of all. She also enjoyed straight hair and no dance moves.

We Will Miss Most: How Jennifer Lopez always instructed her to "study the greats" and try moonwalking. How Gwen Stefani ruined her with that patterned pantsuit. How it turns out she might be a genius, because picking "I'll Stand by You" as an elimination song is bitterly ironic and smugly vindictive! Where was that nerve before?

What Could've Been: Oh, more ballads, maybe. A slowed-down rendition of "Macarthur Park" during Disco Week, a slowed-down rendition of "Alone" during Whatever Week, Because Pia Was Bound to Sing It Anyway, and "Over the Rainbow" during Movie Week (or Pia Showcase Week).

Closing Words: Pia, the world's having a coronary, and that's justified. You were the best vocalist in the competition, and you seemed to build a huge fanbase without the benefit of screentime in the early rounds. Unfortunately, even Katharine McPhee had more of an artistic identity and "vibe" than you did, and that was your Waterloo. This ain't a singing competition, Randy! It's a shady, black-market superstardom factory. You weren't enough of a cockfighter, Pia. Sorry. In conclusion: Let's do this, Haley Reinhart.