American Idol Top 9: Rock 'N Roll Middle School Forever

You all saw my public breakdown last week when America banished Naima Adedapo to the great reggae-themed Harrah's in the sky. Well, I'm not recovered. I think the final nine are decent performers, but the level of inspiration in the room just dropped by 75 percent. If no one's going to add hip-hop/African dance breaks to "Umbrella" or "Dancing in the Street," how can I be sure they care about me? If they're not going to sing "Summertime" with added booyakashas, how can I be sure they're not emotionless borgs in chunky wedges (ahem, Pia)? Whatever. We've got nine singers, nine selections from artists in the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame, and nine rankings. Let's tally some droids.

9. Stefano Langone, "When a Man Loves a Woman"

Our teary-eyed televangelist has really deviated from God's plan. The little heretic scamp! Stefano stalks the stage and clenches his fists like the Armageddon's upon us, but I doubt he'll be the man of the cloth who survives it. "When a Man Loves a Woman" is not just a terrible song choice, it's a song choice that makes everything about Stefano and his hanky-dabbling fervor seem dated. And that's quite an accomplishment when you're competing against the dust belt sneer of Scotty McCreery, whose murder-ballad vocals ripped up the charts during the Hoover administration. Furthermore, "Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame honoree" Is not the first description I associate with Percy Sledge. Come on, Stefano. You need more Posner and less Pendergrass in your step.

8. Jacob Lusk, "Let's Get It On" "Man in the Mirror"

Oops, we can't talk about Jacob Lusk this week because I shot him. I'm sorry. Right between the eyes. Sorry. But there was nothing else to do when he said, "[If America votes me out this week], it'll be because they couldn't look themselves in the eyes." Right. That must be it. Your elimination will have nothing to do with the blubbery vocals of a thousand cartoon hippos. Or the pitch control of a dirigible accident. Or the histrionics of 250 ladies with horseflies in their bonnets. Right. So I ended his ignorance like a saint. Admittedly, he didn't blow it this week with "Man in the Mirror" (and give it up for the fabulous backup work of Siedah Garrett, who looked like Naima for a couple seconds there!), but he dished the same pitchy proclamations as always. Does Jacob not understand that his best performance was his delicate Ashford & Simpson jam last week with Naima? So much more dignified, fun, and jaunty than his usual brand of pachyderm mating calls.

7. Lauren Alaina, "(You Make Me Feel Like a) Natural Woman"

Silly Struthers needs to stop picking un-silly songs. She's six years old, and if she's going to play grownup for 90 seconds each week, I need her to sing longing odes to Gullah Gullah Island and McDonald's Playplaces and the boy with the booger problem that she wants to marry. None of this for-real soulful stuff. I concede that I graded Lauren's "Candle in the Wind" on a tough curve last week, but I think she's the perfect example of someone who should've wait until age 20 to try Idol. The maturity's not there, the comprehension's not there, and the command to handle Carole King's Idol-weary belter is glaringly absent.

6. James Durbin, "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

It's easy to get mad at the Beatles for their terrible lyrics! Don't be the greatest band ever if you're going to write things like "I look at the floor and I see it need sweeping," am I right? Come on, George. Even Diane Warren shakes her tuxedo tails with contempt at that lyric. Mr. Durbin (AKA Squints Van Der Beek) prevailed through lyrical lumpiness and gave us the super-typical "toned down" performance that Adam Lambert once adored. Notice the vampiric lighting. The dewy glare. The closeup on James's face that proved he has a little asthma. Now, the point of a gentler performance is to exhibit versatility and win more fans, but I think James simply confirmed his abilities here. Nothing revelatory or fancy -- just a song about guitars with lacrimal glands and the hardwood floors that stimulate them.

5. Pia Toscano, "River Deep, Mountain High"

Pia! This was a real "breakout" performance for you! Since it was "uptempo"! Right! Or wait: No. What kind of post-Lee DeWyze world are we living in when the ability to sing at multiple speeds means you're a real artist? Let's strap Jennifer Lopez to the Catherine wheel, because that calls for three seconds of medieval torture. Of course Pia sang this damn thing with good pitch and fine straight hair and above-average smiles, whatever. She's still about as viable and inspired as any other Lea Michele knockoff working the Des Moines dinner theater circuit. P.S. How lame were Gwen Stefani's sartorial contributions to this week's performers? Pia was dressed as a canvas shopping bag that Gwen abandoned at Whole Foods. River deep, cereal-shelf high!

4. Casey Abrams, "Have You Ever Seen the Rain"

I love when Casey gives us Band Camp Dork realness. Fierce, redbeard! The upright bass always turns his performances into a high school talent show, and I'm downright fine with that. Idol should embrace its geek core. Give me Pia Toscano singing a medley of Weird Al tunes and "Pac Man Fever," thanks. I want Paul McDonald to wear a flirty housedress, circle the Idoldrome in a clapping fit, and sing "Pocketful of Sunshine" while playing hopscotch. Casey's the closest thing Idol has to an actual geek in the competition, and while I respectfully disagree with Jennifer Lopez's assertions that he's a sex explosion, he possesses a fun nerve. Here we had a delightful song choice, a mostly tolerable vocal, and a Senior Photo Day grin that should be accompanied in the yearbook by a quote like, "WHAT ELSE SHOULD I BE? ALL APOLOGIES." Bravo, Barbarossa!

3. Paul McDonald, "Folsom Prison Blues"

Now, this was not in English, and I can barely forgive Paul's backwards-chimpanzee-coos anymore. He sounds like something feral that hoots in the background on Fleetwood Mac's "Tusk," and I'm not talking about Stevie Nicks's angeldust problem. As Jimmy Iovine (and Will.I.Am, who I kind of enjoyed!) helpfully noted, Johnny Cash is the coolest, so Paul's performance of the old standard required an extra coat of confidence to work. It happened! Paul dominated the pimp spot with that rollicking, rockabilly, rockaposeur, Rock 'N Jock Softball '95 good times that we needed. I can do without his quivering sea monkey leg jive, but I enjoyed -- and even admired -- this performance.

2. Scotty McCreery, "That's All Right, Mama"

Scotty has gotten cocky enough with his heartland serial killer vibe that he's added "dastardly" Count Chocula finger gestures and lip smacks to the mix. You can't woo me, Scotty! I know you disemboweled Miss Darla Mae Pritchett of Pretty Lil' Petticoat, Oklahoma with a loose shank from that broken old rocking chair! I'm positive, dammit! And yet, look at all the good stuff going on here: perfect song choice, perfect inspiration, a mostly good vocal, and those ham-ass hand gestures that Jennifer Lopez was right to call hip-hop. I don't want Scotty to win, and I hate that his ancient demographic will allow him to be unoriginal some weeks, but I can't fault him for this week's performance. Good show, you grimy dirt-road murderer.

1. Naima Adedapo, "Because the Night"

This would've been awesome. And Patti Smith rules. And you know Naima would've been dressed like an owl or a heartbroken cheetah or something, because she's all about literally creeping in the night.

1. Haley Reinhart, "Piece of My Heart"

Confession: I'm starting to love this girl. I believe Haley Reinhart knows she's a total wannabe. As I've stated in previous weeks, she's got the "sophistication" of 8-year-old Leann Rimes tearing up Star Search, delivering the kinds of fist-pumps and hand gestures that often direct airplanes. Throw i
n those contrived-ass growls and Ed McMahon's all set to give her three-and-a-quarter-stars. But you know? "Bennie and the Jets" was fun last week, and this was another wallop of chutzpah and fine effort. It's like Haley begins each performance thinking "Aw, what the hell?," as if it doesn't matter whether she survives or not. She clearly expects to land in the bottom three, and that trait has become endearing to me. Trust me, I needed a little endearment from the vocalist who once tried to impress us with a "Fallin'" rendition and enough ursine gurgles to summon a pack of Kodiak bears from the Yukon. Hated all that. But this tune, which the lovely Crystal Bowersox killed last year, was a solid choice and another great moment for this year's surprise underdog. Take it, Haley!