5 Headlines That Could Revive Denise Richards' Film Career

Denise Richards responded to her ex-husband Charlie Sheen's terribly insulting, unfunny tweet that she's a dog thief who abuses animals with a similar claim: Charlie once took custody of two of her dogs and let one die of malnourishment. Horrible, yes, but this reminds me of two facts: 1) I don't want to see Charlie's name in my newsfeed ever again, and 2) I only want to see Denise Richards' name in my newsfeed if she's revealing great secrets about her five cinematic triumphs. Here are my suggestions.

1. Denise Richards Admits Starship Troopers was Autobiographical

We can't let Sammy Hagar have all the fun with alien conspiracy theories. If Denise Richards claimed that Robert Heinlein's 1976 book about an intergalactic military -- which turned into the 1997 schlock classic of the same name -- was based on an alien abduction that occurred in her childhood, a subsequent alien war, and maybe an absinthe dream involving Neil Patrick Harris, I'd applaud her newsiness. Or she could make it easy on herself and say it happened to Casper Van Dien.

2. Denise Richards's Areolae Were Maimed on the Set of Wild Things

Wild Things's raunchy threeway scene with Neve Campbell, Matt Dillion, and Ms. Richards needs a proper postmortem. Years later, I'm still pondering the champagne-drenched breasts, the Matt Dillon grunts, and Neve Campbell's relative displacement. Perhaps if Denise went on record to say that Matt mangled her aerolae in a careless munching accident, I'd sympathize a bit more with the woman who once lied to us about being "complicated." Man, what if Wild Things's backstage dramas made it the Apocalypse Now of oversexy '90s thrillers?

3. Denise Richards Studied Nuclear Physics in Azerbaijan to Prepare for the Role of Christmas Jones

Azerbaijan scientist Christmas Jones is one of the more dubious Bond girls in 007 history, but with one quick anecdote about dismantling nuclear warheads in Baku, Richards' role in The World is Not Enough becomes a method acting triumph for the ages. Yes, Christmas comes more than once a year -- to the Eurasian laboratory!

4. Denise Richards Calls Miss Congeniality a "Sad, Irony-Free Regurgitation of Drop Dead Gorgeous"

This practically writes itself. Drop Dead Gorgeous, which is certainly a Bad Movie We Love, used the pageant world as a forum for broad parody a full year before Sandra Bullock served up a $200 million box office coup with Miss Congeniality. The world deserves to know that Drop Dead Gorgeous gave us three times the laughs, but with 1/20 the revenue. Denise, with this throwdown, your The Blind Side will be mere months away.

5. Denise Richards Declares Scary Movie 3 "the Best Scary Movie Sequel, Almost by Far"

It pains me to realize there were more Scary Movies than actual Screams until this year, but the blow would be softened if only Denise Richards owned her tiny role (alongside Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 3) by defending the film's extensive and impressive cameos (including George Carlin, Queen Latifah, and Ja Rule!), and its wide swath of parody subjects (from Michael Jackson to Signs and Pootie Tang). She can defend her claim by adding, "Probably helps that the Wayans dropped out, right?"