American Idol Top 12: A Star is Born (and Bored)
Top. Effing. 12. American Idol's competition is getting fierce and freaky-deeky, and we've got to sort the ranks. Last night the contestants performed songs from their birth years, and we're left with important questions: Did James Durbin grunt correctly? Did Pia Toscano drench us in yawn sauce again? Did Lauren Alaina cover Melissa Etheridge like a brown suede blazer? And did Jacob Lusk's version of "Alone" live up to Carrie Underwood's? (Hint: lol.) And did everyone seem a little bored to you too? Whatever. Let's rank the top 12!
12. Thia Megia, "Colors of the Wind" (1995)
First of all, Thia, please wear more beige. Be more beige. Really, wear a camel sheath dress some more. It doesn't reflect your identity-less identity at all. Ugh. Who is picking up the phone for this bleater? "Colors of the Wind" is bland and forgettable, and Thia added nothing to the song other than her God-given gift of beigeness. She was arguably more on-pitch than many of the other contestants, but that somehow mad her less noticeable. She won't be eliminated, but Thia should be frightened that her performance was less fierce than Vanessa Williams's original.
11. Jacob Lusk, "Alone" (1987)
That is enough. That is enough of Heart covers by people other than Carrie Underwood and Allison Iraheta, and that is enough of Jacob Lusk wiggling downstage and wagging a sass finger like the Ally McBeal baby. The "Lusk-y stank" you speak of? It's actual stank. Of the stink variety. We're done here.
10. Karen Rodriguez, "Love Will Lead You Back" (1989)
Look at Saline-a and her fake-salty-tears of passion trying to woo us over with a Barbarella outfit and an updo. Oh, and a random string of Spanish lyrics, because she's PanderBot 6000. Your machinations and outstretched arms mean nothing to me, Karen, and your schmoopy selection from the Taylor Dayne discography is disappointing. Why not "Don't Rush Me"? That one's about emotionless prudeness in a fun way, Karen. You could've tapped into that.
9. Casey Abrams, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (1991)
From Barbarella to Barbarossa! Redbeard the Band Camp Pirate made a smart choice with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" since it highlights his teen libido, but I'm sorry to report this was embarrassing. I can get behind Casey's swagger and grit, but I can't abide by such cheesy and puppet-like growls. Growls! I'm always on the fence about them! Casey's not a jag, and that sets him apart from other growl-mongers, but he disgraced Nirvana here and now owes us a direct version of "All Apologies."
8. Paul McDonald, "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" (1984)
Paul's stumblecore stage choreography is seriously stupid. Steven Tyler insisted he was "a cool dude in a loose mood" (which Randy wouldn't shut up about), but something about Paul strikes me as the opposite of cool. Though he's talented, he's also the most contrived contestant -- which is saying something in a competition that features Karen "Latina Vote Thief" Rodriguez. He's trying hard to be the indie kid, an effort that results in rasp attacks. I dislike this song anyway, and Paul's cartoonish caw didn't make me a believer. I will not like this man until he uses his zombie throbs to perform a novelty Halloween track called "The Hipster Mash." It was a thrift-shop smash!
7. Haley Reinhart, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" (1991)
Y'know, for a slow Whitney song by a contestant with a soul deficiency, I liked this. I thought it was Haley's strongest performance by a country mile, and certainly her most memorable. I adored almost all of Jennifer Lopez's critiques last night, but I disagreed with her that Haley Reinhart seemed forced up there. No: Haley seemed forced when she howled "Fallin'" like the trucker in Joy Ride. This was a looser Haley, and I appreciated that step in the right direction. (I sound like DioGuardi right now. R.I.P. My dignity.) Good for her -- even though it's the kind of performance that'll win her no new fans. I sense a Bottom Three candidate in our midst.
6. Naima Adedapo, "What's Love Got to Do With It?" (1984)
The minute I heard Naima was born in 1984, I called that she'd choose this Tina Turner hit. It was like when you watch Wheel of Fortune and solve the puzzle without any letters turned. A quaint miracle. OK, deep breath: Naima didn't kill this. It wasn't very good. She gave us quality stankface, Rasta realness, and slithery junk-shaking, which is all fantastic and life-affirming. But the notes weren't there. The melody wasn't there. The glory of a thousand animated dreadlocks wasn't there. She has more stage presence than the other contestants put together, but I watched her last night and remembered that "What's Love Got to Do With It" also put an end to Lil Rounds's season-eight run. Naima, girl, I'm praying for your survival tonight.
5. Pia Toscano, "Where Do Broken Hearts Go"
Boringly fantastic Pia Toscano was boringly fantastic again. Last week she amounted to nothing more than an anagram of "No Tapiocas" (since rice pudding is, in fact, more exciting than Pia Toscano) and this week she's just an anagram of "Coo Pinatas" -- nothing more than a papier-mache husk of coos. We want identity, Pia! Right now you seem like the H&M cashier who's nervous to ask me to re-swipe my debit card at the Glendale Americana. Come on! Own that H&M! Wear your $10 bowler and gyrate for us!
4. Lauren Alaina, "I'm the Only One" (1994)
It's no wonder that Lauren Alaina is '80s Sally Struthers, guys. When she said she had the flu, I cried, "Can we help this child?" at the screen like Gloria Stivic herself in a 1-800 commercial. But I have to hand it to Lauren; "I'm the Only One" is an underwhelming Idol selection, and her Powerpuff spark saved the rendition from anonymity. It wouldn't be hyperbole to call this Lauren's best and most brazen performance yet. Support her with just 70 cents a day and a featured role on Archie Bunker's Place.
3. Scotty McCreery, "Can I Trust You With My Heart?" (1993)
More like, "Can We Trust Scotty Not to Murder His Mother's New Lover in the Silo?" because that voice belongs to a twangy murderer. His eye glint says, "I have to buy a second shovel to bury the first shovel, which is covered in Teddy. Mercy-willikers, should I buy a third shovel in case?" I kid. Scotty pulled off another finely pitched performance with this Travis Tritt tune, and even showed some range near the end. Strange that such a gimmicky voice is a contender for the season 10 win, but I think he's closer to victory than either Lauren Alaina or Pia Toscano. He's also closer to being the inspiration for Bruce Springsteen's Nebraska, because he butchers the badlands with a shaky swing of the shovel, which we already established, and I'm serious this time.
2. James Durbin, "I'll Be There For You" (1988)
Squints Van Der Beek is a pretty flawless singer, I have to say. Nothing about his personality or taste is destined to make him a pop sensation, but he is a sensation of sorts. Like, asthma, kind of. That's rock 'n roll in a way! This Bon Jovi cover slayed the Idoldrome and maybe me too. Two knockout performances in two weeks means James is a real player here, and if he keeps it up, he'll have no choice but to make good on his promise of a climactic Aerosmith cover. I vote for a mellower track like "Sweet Emotion," because I plan on being sick of the howler monkey shtick in about nine minutes. A cooler cover will make Steven Tyler the proudest malnourished mule in the world.
1. Stefano Langone, "If You Don't Know Me By Now" (1989)
Is he not the very picture of a Billboard firestarter? Stefano is pop music in 2011. That poppy, vaguely R&B v
oice! The testifying! Those wallet-size teardrops jumping off his face like he practiced in rehearsal! I can't decide whether his frantic stage pacing is more "Lady MacBeth in the throes of guilt" or "PAX Network preacher in the throes of Holy Thursday," but he's got that Derulo grandeur that I like. I'll never vote for him over Naima, but I can't deny that Stefano took this Simply Red curio and turned it into a viable chart smash. Pace on, telegenic televangelist! Pace on!
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Comments
Way to make fun of a guy with tourette's. Truly classless.
Oh, die, Brian. Idol bombarded us with his backstory, and he clearly owns the Tourette's. I didn't mean to mock him in a mean way. I'm mocking him because he's on American Idol, The National Archive of Mockable Persons.
All apologies, Louis, but I thought Naima was tied with Paul for the worst performance of the night. Thia was unbelievably beige - the living embodiment of elevator music - but Naima disemboweled "What's Love Got to Do With It?", peed on the torn innards, then doused the body in gasoline and danced around the flames. As for Paul, I don't like the song, I don't like his voice, and his teeth scare me.
As for Karen, does she understand that she will always be known as the (shamelessly pandering to the point that she makes hookers look like nuns) Spanish singer when she keeps singing lyrics in Spanish? Either grow some balls and sing the entire song in Spanish (which could actually be awesome) or stop with the cheap tricks.
Your top five was perfect. I agreed with every choice. Have to admit, I was surprised by Stefano. And the fact that he's cute as a cookie definitely helps him.
LMAO! You nailed it! I actually thought the Squinty Van Der Beek reference was hilarious.
I DO sympathize with ranking Naima last. It wasn't a pleasant-sounding performance. I just think chutzpah should outrank pageantry more often, and I'm happy to pimp her hard -- even if she kinda blew it.
I understand your point and agree with it normally. But she went to such extremes to give a performance not reminiscent of Tina Turner that the arrangement sounded horrible, at least to me. And it really hurt her that she didn't sing the arrangement very well.
I would have been much more impressed if she had changed the song into a mournful ballad. I liked her last week, but this week she made some really wrong choices. She's my vote to leave tonight, but I would be ecstatic if she survives (she broke my heart with her wild card performance).
I'd love if Paul was voted off. I do not get his appeal whatsoever. And dear gods, those teeth!
"Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Karen Rodriguez? I designed them myself."
"Si, Dr. Evil."
Any time Karen emoted anything, you know Roger Vadim was like, "She's doing it wrong!"
Louis, I can honestly say I'm glad Naima made it this week for your sake. 🙂
I feel sad for Karen, but with only a nice voice and a flair for making being bilingual seem like a gimmick, I'm not sad she's gone.
Louis, what a hilarious and spot-on critique of this week's Idol performances (I laughed myself silly with your post last week that I didn't have the Naima chutzpah to post).
I am with you on Naima. I love this girl for everything she represents (1930s jazz, ethnicity, dance moves, colorful clothes and a voice that can actually belt those big notes as well tell the story of a ballad) and then some (her mother's regal looks, being an exotic flower in a field of bland artificial flowers). Her Rihanna performance may polarize but it injected the necessary vibe to a tedium show. Her Tina Turner performance was memorable for her dance moves and attitude than flawless vocals. She should be advised to just stay on pitch next week -- just to stay on pitch -- so she can tour with the rest of these artificial flowers.
Other than her, no one comes close. Okay, maybe Haley R. -- another polarizing singer. The fact that she does what she does every week with an invisible middle finger to the judges (by virtue of being always stylistically different), already won me over. But she and Naima will be cannon fodders for those who are eternally pimped by the judges and producers and that mentor from Interscope Records with dollar signs in his eyes.
You would think about 10 years of watching Idol, these contestants would know what songs NOT to sing; but they keep dipping their feet into the fire. Do not sing "Alone" - don't do it. Been done to death. Don't do anything by Tina Turner and Whitney. You can't match their voices and their stage presence.