American Idol Top 13: Sorry, I Believe You Can't Fly

Finalize your rankings, dearies, because Idol's Top 13 happened, and we're supposed to deal with it. Did you prefer the ever-unsmiling Pia Toscano or the fist-pumping grandeur of Stefano Langone? What about Lauren Alaina? She hasn't been destroyed in a terrible lameness accident yet, after all. Join us for our Top 13 listings and sound off in the comments (only after you realize I'm right).

13. Ashthon Jones: "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" (Diana Ross)

Ashthon, I was obsessed with you two hours ago. You had the flair of a disposable Destiny's Child member named LeToyvia Luckdon, and I believe that's endearing. But you dared to pick a tepid-ass Diana Ross song when you could've picked "Upside Down" or "Love Hangover," and now I find myself singing the Mahogany theme at you. Do you know where you're going to, Ashthon? Correct answer: the curb. You're a "Bills, Bills, Bills" girl, and you're giving me "Halo" nothingness. The punishment is death.

12. Jacob Lusk: "I Believe I Can Fly" (R. Kelly)

Blubbery gurgle sorcerer Jacob Lusk is my least favorite. He makes me uncomfortable. His mouth and face are pointing and bouncing everywhere like a live-action Picasso, and the world wants that stack of sniffles to settle down. Also, what a horrible song. "I Believe I Can Fly" is the kind of "inspirational" tune that inspires kids to try sex with Lola Bunny. I'll check with the doorman, but I don't believe Jacob is welcomed at the Space Jam.

11. Thia Megia: "Smile" (Michael Jackson, Charlie Chaplin)

Child-labor laws prevent me from making the full "little tramp" parallel you want from me, but suffice to say that 15-year-old Thia Megia didn't live up either to Charlie Chaplin or Michael Jackson's version of this standard. I thought Thia was kind of interesting when she started on Idol. She was courageous, grandiose, and believable. As the weeks unravel, she seems more like an overconfident balladeer with few wits in her arsenal.

10. Haley Reinhart: "Blue" (LeAnn Rimes)

Haley's cover of this lonesome preteen jam puts her Idol run in perspective. She shouldn't be on this show; she should be on Star Search. Her fluttery lashes and gesticulations smack of Ed McMahon's starship -- and LeAnn Rimes's winning streak thereon. If she were eight years old, it'd be cute. As such, Haley's a yowl-y yodeler with the soul of someone who wears barrettes. She's my guess for elimination tonight.

9. Paul McDonald: "Come Pick Me Up" (Ryan Adams)

All you connoisseurs of '70s game shows will appreciate that I yell, "Joker! Joker! Joker!" when Paul McDonald appears on the screen. Not because he looks like Joker's Wild host Jack Barry, but because he looks and dresses like an actual joker. The kind you want to trap in a cask of Amontillado. Forget that Paul picked a decent Ryan Adams song last night -- let's think more about his contrived, radioactivity-aided stumbles. Those are somehow more annoying than even his Disney elf voice. For a singer who's being praised for being original, he still sounds like a subpar James Blunt, and believe me, scientists want to know how that's possible.

8. Karen Rodriguez: "I Could Fall In Love" (Selena)

Of course this pandering vote thief picked Selena. Her fans demand it. Me? I wasn't so Yolanda for it. If Karen wants to inspire my zealous fandom, she'll have to do more than plant adequate vocals in Idol's glorious terra firma.

7. Lauren Alaina: "Any Man of Mine" (Shania Twain)

"Any Meh of Mine" is the new title here, because Lauren Alaina is not wired to kick ass like Shania. She approaches the stage with the tremble of an undeserving star, a second-rate chanteuse who doesn't understand how to captivate or surprise an audience. Lauren's only going to get worse as the memory of her producer-pimping fades away, so enjoy this lukewarm tribute to Mutt Lange's genius while she's still bearable.

6. Scott McCreery: "The River" (Garth Brooks)

He still looks like Clay Aiken's deprogramming was a success -- score a point for Exodus International! -- but Scotty's scary backwoods twang worked its murder-y magic again. Once the contestants are allowed to perform original songs, I'm afraid we're going to be exposed to his true colors. Expect titles like, "The Sheriff Shot My Father (Even Though He Is My Father)," "Deer Eyes for Dinner," and "Who Strung Up the Homo in the Well?" Yikes. Still, his ancient country vocals remain intriguing. I just hope they aren't concealing a minor yokel holocaust.

5. Stefano Langone: "Lately" (Stevie Wonder)

Stefano served up televangelist realness last night. He paced frantically across the stage like the lord was scheduled to arrive any second, and there were still mortal chores to be done. But I love this kid: He's so pert and real and hammy and silly. He's about the hard sell, and I like that in an Idol troubadour.

4. Pia Toscano: "All By Myself" (Celine Dion, Eric Carmen)

This girl wasn't even a proper noun two weeks ago. She was just an anagram of "No Tapiocas," and that's accurate, because rice pudding has more thrills than her. But what can I say? She was boringly fantastic this week, harpooning us with big Celine vocals and the kinds of hand gestures that help direct airplanes. Salient question: Is she having fun up there? She looks sad and lonely all the time -- and not in the proper Celine/Eric Carmen way.

3. Casey Abrams: "With A Little Help From My Friends" (Joe Cocker, The Beatles)

Do you worry that Casey Abrams's red curls and pert beard make his face vertically symmetrical? I'm constantly concerned about it. He already looks like a claymation Santa with his close-set eyes and precocious head tilts, so he doesn't need another facial gimmick. But seriously, all four quadrants of that baby lumberjack visage are the same. Talk about an upright (Rankin-)Bass!

Now, all right: This performance was full of good growls. We know I hate growlers because I believe growlers think they're better than us, but these growls were nicely spaced and comely. There was growl art in there. And Casey is Dorkenstein, so he can't think he's that cool. The song choice was uninspired, but I can't fault Casey for knowing that The Wonder Years theme fits his smoky Santa soul. Fa-la-la-la-lawwwwwhawwwwwsayI'mgon'makeitwithmyfriendsss, indeed. Is his early favor going to work against him soon, a la Crystal Bowersox? Could be. But he's still better than 3/4 of these bumblers.

2. James Durbin: "Maybe I'm Amazed" (Paul McCartney)

Oily manchild James Durbin could stand to have more Tourette's, honestly. He's not even quivering up there, and his performances deserve delirium. He should fake the need to throw Seacrest after he sings -- or, rather, stop faking that he doesn't want to throw him. That would win a vote. His "Maybe I'm Amazed" was perfectly trilled, and I hope his surly attitude doesn't prevent him from losing to a pandering creep like Karen Rodriguez.

1. Naima Adedapo: "Umbrella" (Rihanna)

Now, a reading from the unabridged book of Randy's lies: "This is a singing competition!" Close, my good Coke shill! It's a competition of wits, chutzpah, finesse, command, and -- finally -- singing. Blake Lewis toppled Melinda Doolittle a few years ago, didn't he? Right. So this can't really be about singing. It might be about haircuts.

No doubt that Naima, DA JANITRIX, suffered from breath-control issues throughout her performance of "Umbrella/Reggae Breakdown/One-Person Danceoff," but screw your family if that means anything to you. Fact is, Naima gives us something no Idol contestant has dared to present: an unpretentious medley of song,
dance, rap, and balladry that lived up to the night's theme of personal importance. Turns out I could care less about pitch. I care about shaking a stanky leg to Rihanna belters. I care about reggae-rapping. I care about storming the judges table and chanting like Lady Saw until Steven Tyler makes his famous "charmed Heidi Fleiss" face. Naima is giving us the showmanship and spark that Idol should be about, and no tepid-ass boy howlers should stand in her way. Or if they do, she should scrub their porcelain faces into nonrecognition.

(Also: How lame was Jimmy Iovine? He looked like a humorlessly heterosexual version of Herb Ritts, and he dressed like Clint Jun Gamboa. Shriek!)