Gleebasing: Gwyneth Paltrow Teaches 'Sexy' Sex Education

If there is one problem with Gwyneth Paltrow guest-starring on Glee, it's that she overshadows everyone and everything on the show. Take last night's "Sexy" for example, when Paltrow's easy-going Holly Holliday returned to McKinley High to substitute for the health teacher. Storylines about illicit lesbian love, morbidly obese teenage sex tapes, John Stamos in a neckerchief, and Mike O'Malley's mechanic struggling to explain gay sex paled in comparison to Paltrow dirty dancing to Joan Jett. Let's put on our Paltrow-proof glasses and review the goings-on we ignored in last night's episode.

As an episode called "Sexy" should, last night's episode began with Emma Pillsbury speaking to her student abstinence club. Emma is so over-the-top prudish that it does not qualify as comical anymore. It is annoying -- even more so knowing that the Glee Powers That Be want her to end up with Will Schuester. And if there is anyone that can untangle Emma's ball of nerves and pearl necklaces, it is certainly not the guy who dresses in Gap sweater vests every day.

In a well-lit teacher's lounge not so far away, Holly Holliday (Paltrow) reappeared to sub for a health teacher who caught "a mad case of the herp!" (Do you think when Paltrow accepted her Oscar for Shakespeare in Love, she ever imagined she'd be nicknaming STDs on a network TV show someday?) In spite of Emma's insistence that teenagers should be sheltered from sex education, free-wheeling Holly Holliday thought that was silly and that Schue's class -- who wrongly believes that storks deliver babies -- would benefit from education.

So Schue tracked Holly down after hours at a jazzercise class -- a scene included in the episode apparently so that Ryan Murphy could get Paltrow to rock her hips in an 80's leotard (below) and begged her to teach his class about sex.

And she did the next day by dirty dancing and delivering these parting words: "So just remember, when you're having sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they've had sex with. And everybody's got a random."

Speaking of random, Lauren Zizes tells Puck that she wants to make a sex tape so that she can become famous "like a Kardashian." Alas, this qualifies as child pornography and their plan is foiled.

Sue Sylvester tracks down Kurt at a coffee shop, makes two jokes about coffee enemas and then tells him that the New Directions are working on being "sexy" for their Regionals performance. Intrigued, Kurt and the Warblers travel to an abandoned warehouse to perform the Neon Trees' "Animal" in front of a girl's choir. This is fun because someone rented a bubble machine, but Kurt can't quite perfect his "sexy face" since he is uncomfortable with being sexy. Especially when required to do so in abandoned warehouses that mysteriously offer working bubble machines. Kurt's dad comes to the rescue later though -- giving Kurt some pamphlets on gay sex and hopefully ridding all abandoned warehouses everywhere of bubble machines.

Brittany and Santana are confused about their sexual attraction to each other and Holly Holliday advises them to sing about it. In a shocking twist, the girls do not take her advice. Just kidding! They find their inner Stevie Nicks and sing "Landslide" to their class.

Schue and Holly tango to Prince's "Kiss" after hours. They kiss but Holly pulls away, warning Schue that she will break him. Later on though, she tells Schue that she is the one who needs to be educated about real relationships and Schue tells her he's an "excellent educator." (Groan.) (Groan.)

Because lessons are learned via song on this show, Emma recruits her abstinence club (with new members Puck, Lauren and John Stamos -- who cares about his character's name) to sing "Afternoon Delight." And it's ironic because the abstinence club doesn't know that the song is about afternoon sex. And maybe it's funny to anyone who didn't see that episode of "Arrested Development" in which Michael Bluth naively sings the song with his niece at an office party. But I saw that and you probably did too.

Finally, upon John Stamos's request, Holly counsels Emma and her husband on sex (they haven't had it yet even though they've been married for four months!) and to no one's surprise, Emma admits she is still in love with Schue.

Meanwhile, Quinn and Finn are back together on the down low.

Phew!

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