Bad Movies We Love: The Chase

Yes, we're over Charlie Sheen and his Bengal viscera, but we've actually been over it for 17 years, remember? The world already explored Charlie Sheen's tiger soul in the 1994 action movie The Chase. You've seen it before. It had Kristy Swanson in it, because she's one of 1994's champions. The Chase puts Charlie Sheen's mania in perspective so we can (once again) put it behind us -- that is, if we can stomach a carousel of unlikable characters and the thespian prowess of Henry Rollins. Good luck, everyone.

I love when a Bad Movie We Love's plot is worth two sentences. Check it: Charlie Sheen plays a falsely accused prison escapee who kidnaps the daughter (Kristy Swanson*) of a wealthy Trump-type (Some Man With A Honcho Pompadour**) while fleeing a bust at a gas station. Charlie abducts Kristy in her own BMW and proceeds to drive to Mexico, and a giant OJ-style chase ensues -- except Sheen and his kidnappee take a shine to each other along the way. At first glance, you'd think the movie's tagline would be an only slightly offensive, "What if Patty Hearst received a love indoctrination?", but this mess's insanity goes beyond Symbionese Liberation: This is about the real Charlie Sheen. It's a documentary.

"The public's going to love me," Charlie Sheen/"Jack Hammond" quips to Kristy, as dozens of cops tail him. "'Robber kidnaps the richest girl in the country.' Probably going to get my own sitcom."

Yes, you heard it here: This is Two and a Half Men's origin story. Chuck Lorre sympathized with Charlie's vagabond stupidity, combed the Fleiss out of his hair, and gave him a juggernaut sitcom. Poor Conchata Ferrell spent '94 thinking she'd co-star in things like True Romance forever, but if she'd just watched The Chase, she could've guessed her destiny early on.

Like Charlie's recent meltdown, his character's crazy spree begins on a whim and turns into a passion project.

"You let your viewers know that I hope... my desperation is entertainment enough for them," he yells at a reporter, who contacts him during the chase on an enormous car phone. "After all, that's what it's all about, right? What makes for good television, right? The story as it breaks, live, coming right to them, from the bad guy himself? I mean, we wouldn't want your viewers to change the f*cking channel, would we?"

I've prohibited myself from typing the full word, but this is an early version of Sheen's sketchily defined "W_NNING." For all we know, his Twitter is just discarded dialogue from The Chase.

Speaking of discarded dialogue, Henry Rollins ad-libbed most of his lines as the egotistical cop determined to take down Charlie. OK, confession: I believe disliking Henry Rollins is a chemical impossibility. He's like the Sigourney Weaver of punk band thespians -- no one dislikes his articulate, hostile bravado!

"I feel like a combination of Bruce Springsteen and Sylvester Stallone out there," he opines.

See, the movie's making all the authorities and concerned citizens jackasses. That way we don't scream when Charlie and Kristy inevitably fall in love with each other. Look, here are Kristy's terrible parents.

Yep, farts with hairlines. Here's what the unfair media's calling the chase:

Ah, salient media commentary! This is like The Sheen-a Syndrome! And here are two greedy townspeople who want to save Ms. Swanson so they can be famous. You'll notice they're Anthony Kiedis and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who've joined the movie because Henry Rollins called them and said they mock Metallica onscreen with Muppet-like thrashing.

So, everyone's stupid except for Charlie and Kristy, who feel romantic feelings for each other during the latter portion of their car trip. I guess we're supposed to like her enough to forgive her sleeveless gray-green ensemble? I'm on the fence. By the way, I hope Ms. Swanson doesn't think she's excused from future Bad Movies We Love consideration now that we've nabbed her here. I'll whip out 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag or Dude, Where's My Car? or, hell, Hot Shots! if need be -- unless the First Amendment is soon amended to prohibit mentioning Charlie Sheen ever again, which I am going to vote for.

While The Chase saves its worst bit of dialogue for the first moment of romantic spark between our heroes (Charlie: "What are you doing?" Kristy: "Falling in love with you."), we're gifted with one last moment of Sheenery before the movie closes with a predictable blaze of gunfire and salvation for the misunderstood lovers.

"There's a difference between being violent and being driven to violence!" Charlie squawks. "I am not a violent man!"

The world's done this to him, ultimately, and he has no choice but to cruise off like a mad yachtsman to reclaim his innocence. Here's hoping the real Sheen's crusade also ends with emigration and a carefrontation with a member of Black Flag.

*Man, Kristy is like the perfect Molly Ringwald/Ally Sheedy hybrid. Do people know this?

**With all due respect to Mr. Ray Wise, of course!