DVD: Master Ninja and Other Embarrassing Ghosts of TV Past

The new Mystery Science Theater 3000 XX box (out this week from Shout! Factory) features the two Master Ninja "movies," although in reality they're just four cobbled-together episodes from the mostly-forgotten 1984 NBC martial-arts series The Master, which starred Timothy Van Patten as a nasal-talking doofus who hooks up with an older mentor (Lee Van Cleef) who happens to be the only "Occidental ninja" on earth. Van Patten has won awards as a director of HBO projects like The Pacific, Sex and the City, and The Sopranos, but MST fans will always remember his ridiculous acting on this forgettable TV show. Not that he's the only respectable artist haunted by his hokey TV past. Consider:

George Clooney: Before getting the ER gig that made him a global heartthrob, Clooney spent years in the TV trenches, growing into his looks and experimenting with haircuts that would become comedy fodder for him once he'd made it. The TV landscape is littered with Clooney's pre-fame forays, but few of them are quite as squirm-inducing as this episode of The Facts of Life (he joined the cast in the show's post-school seasons) with special guest El DeBarge:

Leonardo DiCaprio: Here's an actor who was a star pretty much from the moment he set foot on the big screen (Critters 3 notwithstanding), with early roles in This Boy's Life and What's Eating Gilbert Grape leading to critical raves and an Oscar nomination. But before those films and Titanic, young Leo was the "Cousin Oliver" of Growing Pains, a last-ditch attempt to infuse some cute-kid-ness after the show's regulars had all hit puberty. (This clip offers Hilary Swank as a bonus -- and let's not forget that even she had to survive latter-day Beverly Hills 90210 on her way to the Oscars.)

Julianne Moore: OK, yes, she played twins on As the World Turns -- and had the grace and sense of humor to make a cameo last year during the show's final season -- but lots of actors paid their dues on soaps. Not all actors, however, played the "It was the ceiling" lady on the Time-Life "Mysteries of the Unknown" commercial. But hey, it should give hope to thespians everywhere -- just because your last booking was on a late-night TV spot, it doesn't mean you won't one day wow the critics with a Chekhov movie before becoming the muse to several interesting young directors.