You're Hired: 7 Reasons Dionne Warwick Will Dominate Celebrity Apprentice
As the greatest female pop vocalist of the last half-century, Dionne Warwick doesn't need to go off and do a season of Celebrity Apprentice to retain her place in the American cultural canon. The American cultural consciousness, however? OK, sure. Cosmically unfair as it is, the woman who made swinging, tearjerking hits of Bacharach/David masterpieces like "Walk on By" and "Anyone Who Had a Heart" has slid to sub-Carnie Wilson depths of recognition -- a criminal oversight worthy of a prime-time, mass-market correction whose time has come, starting with Sunday's season premiere. This will happen.
Here's why:
1. God is on her side.
It would no doubt help to have some business and industry acumen when attempting to win the annual endorsement of one Donald J. Trump. But what Dionne lacks in instinct she makes up for in having made it out of East Orange, N.J. in gospel groups while fellow diva (and Apprentice "competition") LaToya Jackson was still toddling around inside empty toy boxes on Christmas morning. The Lord hath duly noted His child's service, and His boardroom grace shall raineth down on Our Lady of the Vibrato.
2. Karma is on her side.
Dionne isn't exactly what you'd call a winner in life. Sure, she has five Grammys (one of which she shares with Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Gladys Knight for "That's What Friends are For," even though she owned that song -- still does, in fact), but so do the Black Eyed Peas, so... yeah. Much of the rest of Dionne's experience involves scams, mismanagement, divorce, dissolved partnerships, vocal duress, industry bias and other general mishaps on the way to the promised land. I mean, her version of "Alfie" defines the song and went to number 15 on the US charts, but Cilla Black's derivative white-girl soul knockoff went to number 9 in the UK, and Cher's version was used in the movie of the same name. Shoulda been Dionne. Now it will be. It is her time.
3. She is on her side.
All that being said, I love the story one of my friends told me about why he was raised to adore Patti LaBelle and disregard Dionne: As a young child attending a joint concert featuring the two ladies, his mother had a warm encounter with fan-friendly LaBelle and a far chillier interlude with Ms. D. I think her words were, "Get these people away from me." Let's hope it's true, because hateful as that sounds, such iciness will come in awfully handy when dealing with entitled psychobrats like Gary Busey, Meat Loaf and Star Jones.
4. She's unscrupulous -- to a point.
In fairness, it's going to be pretty hard to outperform the villainy of fellow Apprentice star Richard Hatch, who did two years of hard time for evading taxes on money he won by being one of reality TV's most evil people. But for years, Dionne was a notorious tax scofflaw, landing on the California's top 250 offenders list until suddenly... she didn't. As recently as a year ago she owed the state's Franchise Tax Board nearly $2.2 million; today her name appears nowhere on that list. Merely a precondition of her Apprentice appearance, or a sign that Ms. D operates by her own rules, on her own schedule, system be damned? Either way it's not pretty, but it gets the job done.
5. All those Psychic Friends.
Duh! Huge advantage.
6. She has nothing to lose.
NBC is selling the season on Busey/Meat Loaf meltdowns, NeNe/Marlee drama, David Cassidy charm, Lil Jon trainwreckery -- basically anything and everything (and everyone) but our septuagenarian sleeper. The idea of her even having to get out of bed to vanquish such fluff goblins as Mark McGrath or Niki Taylor is sidesplitting; she kicked NeNe's ass in no fewer than three previous lives before Ms. Leakes wised up and got reborn in Atlanta. I can't wait for the rematch.
7. Her victory tour would be awesome.
I'm just being selfish now, but come on. Just one more live version of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?" and "Heartbreaker," and I can die. You're hired, babe.
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Comments
Or as my grandma always called her: Diane Warwick.
No kidding, I've watched the following video three times today -- and I didn't even see that you were writing this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiB02XWTwI4
Several things:
-"DYTWTSJ" is the effing best, even if it's secretly the most depressing song on Earth.
-This version of "DYTWTSJ" is killer.
-Time for you to own the three-disc Bacharach songbook if you don't already. It's a lifestyle.
Ohhhh, yes. ^This.
The first verse of DYKTWTSJ is a perfect lyric -- flawless in structure, melody, and language while emotionally crushing, as if to say, "If life throws you lemons, make lemonade -- with your tears." If it were a painting, it would be in a permanent collection somewhere. If it were a film, it would be in the National Film Registry. But it's pop music, and so Dionne must slum through a season of _CA_ just for the seeming privilege of people saying, "Who?" Better than nothing, I guess, especially when she wins.
And, don't forget, Trump's Trump, after all. He hired Joan Rivers in her season (though she wasn't quite as far down the celeb meter). I used to be a huge Apprentice fan, waned when it went to CA, but the last Apprentice was so awful, I thought The Donald had lost it, until I saw these promos. I'm there.
Cher's version appeared in the movie, not Celia's.
Gah, of course. Thanks. Correction made.
I watched Dionne on Celebrity Apprentice tonight and was astonished and disappointed with her. All these years I thought she was a decent and classy woman only to find out she was actually mean, small and petty. Sing your heart out, Dionne, however we all now know how ugly it is.
I used to love Dionne Warwick's songs voice and apparent kindness. After watching Celebrity Apprentice and seeing her insensitve, arrogant, selfish and self-focused behavior tonight, these thoughts are now long gone! Forget San Jose!
I just went to delete anything in my iTunes that she's recorded
Dionne Warwick is a scary evil looking dinasaur.Its amazing what these EX-CELEBRITIES are really like. It must be hard to be at the top and fall so far. Sad.
I expected Star Jones to be an evil woman, she was just unbearable on The View...but Dionne Warwick?? She has disappointed me so much and ruined many happy memories of hearing her sing. To think that all this time, we have been buying the records of such a nasty, horrible person...I have to thank Donald Trump for allowing us to see her for the mean spirited human she really is...just awful. Lisa never stood a chance and Star I can't wait to see you fail and have everyone out for your blood. Lisa didn't fight because she doesn't have to, she has a loving husband and a career she has made for herself out of her own ideas and creativity...she doesn't need to lower herself to the dirt of Star and Dionne to win against them, she just has to live her life to win and they still have to wake up and look at their angry bitter faces everyday!
This just makes the music all the sweeter, honestly. I knew she was nasty, but man, even I was impressed by her performance last night. Team Dionne!
Go Dionne. Understand that this is a business, and not some sort of play thing. Dionne is working hard for her charity, and this is something she should do. Business is dirty, and if you can't survive., then bye bye.
Go Dionne. Your true Fan's Love You.
I think it's sick that Donald Trump would even consider having a person like Dionne Warwick on his show...and the fact that Dionne is in anyway affiliated with doing anything for charity is a complete JOKE. Her history more than speaks for itself.
Dionne Warwick has always been a scamming selfish woman, only out for herself. The woman has been stealing money from charities for years. Not to mention the almost 3 million dollars that she owes in back taxes and tax evasion.
Have you all forgotten about the HUGE expose' 20/20 did on her back when she bankrupted all of those AIDS charities in all those cities because her DIVA demands outweighed the money taken in. I remember years ago she was asked to perform for a charity event with names much bigger than her. She was the only one that demanded payment for her appearance. She and her entourage billed the charity so much for first class airfare and hotels that the event ended up losing money for the charity. This woman cares about nobody but herself.
How about in January of 2009 when she canceled her "Dionne Warwick American Music Inaugural Ball" and left hundreds of ticket purchasers and volunteers without any explanation and concern for their lost money and the fate of sensitive personal information they were scammed into giving up.
Promoters claimed they needed social security numbers to clear for a potential visit from President Obama, which was a total scam.
Hundreds upon hundreds of tickets were sold at $500 per ticket and none of this money was ever returned or refunded. Not to mention the thousands of dollars these people spent on dresses and airfare and hotel rooms for this event only to find out that the event was canceled that night.
People who bought tickets have traced their purchases and canceled checks to the "Dionne and Friends Foundation which has been inactive for years nor holds any record of non-profit status with the IRS.
Dionne has claimed that she only lent her name to this event and that all guilt lies upon the lap of the promoter, whom by coincidence, has been a close friend and business associate of Dionne's for over 20 years. (Sounds like Dionne has a long history of throwing people under the bus and letting other people take the blame)
I can guarantee if she lent her name to this event, she had full knowledge of what was going on. I wouldn't be surprised if half of this money that was stolen from these people ended up in one of her overseas bank accounts.
I'm glad she lives in South America. As far as I'm concerned, Brazil is not far enough.
I can't believe that Donald Trump would even consider giving a person like this a spot on his show. Does he not do any investigative research on his contestants prior to their participation.
Dionne Warwick is disgusting
I agree with you. I always thought she was a class act, but after watching last night she is spiteful, full of herself, and spoke down to people like she was the end all be all.
It is a shame that Lisa was thrown to the wolves but Trump obviously left those two horrible women in so that they could show their true colors to America. If their goal is to be hated and disgraced, they are doing a great job! I imagine that they are proud of themselves and that Trump is laughing.