American Idol Top 13 Rankings: The Definitive List

First, a confession: The two-hour American Idol results show riveted me from start to finish. It was like Ordinary People or The Deer Hunter or Slam Dunk Ernest. A triumph of the human spirit, a Greek tragedy of the highest order, and the death knell of two supposed shoo-ins for Idol supremacy. But let's not mourn -- let's rank the 13 remaining contenders according to sheer talent, charisma, and x-factor (tee-hee).

13. Haley Reinhart

Hey, America. You picked Haley Reinhart. Hehe. She blows kisses and growls when she shouldn't, which is great. And she sang "Fallin'". That's not an overblown or trite or maddening song. This is all great. She deserves it over Kendra Chantelle and Lauren Turner, for sure. Yeah. Actually, I'm a blazing pillar or resentment and fury, and I'm burning flags in the sink.

12. Karen Rodriguez

Karen, who producers found using a broken microwave oven called MySpace, is about as dull as last season's Katie Stevens -- and as forgettable. I'll give her props for making a real-and-funny joke during one of her confessionals, but I can't forgive her for 1) that sea-green '70s prom dress she wore Wednesday, 2) those ancient stage gestures, and 3) not being Lauren Turner or Kendra Chantelle.

11. Scotty McCreery

It's weird that Scotty was such a sure bet for the Top 10, because he's the most gimmicky, range-free performer in the pack. Also, you don't have a voice that low unless you've committed a murder in the hayloft.

10. Lauren Alaina

Nigel Lythgoe's precious Tamagotchi of starpower isn't panning out. She's a solid singer, but lacks identity in the way many of her competitors don't. Doesn't help that she's so consumed with the producers' favoritism that she hasn't picked a compelling song choice yet.

9. Jacob Lusk

Truth: Jacob's also a gimmicky singer. His voice is astounding, but who will pick up that CD? The same people who pick up Susan Boyle albums? And rub them all over their faces? Jacob is a powerhouse, but his stage presence and self-control leave a lot to be desired. What am I saying? I don't desire anything from him -- especially since he's going to survive longer than everyone wants him to, and we're going to pretend we're so impressed with his instrument every week.

8. Paul McDonald

This man loves smiling and floral jackets! And stumbling around the stage like Grace Slick's rich, poseur nephew. His unusual voice sounds like a put-on, like a Kidz Bop take on James Blunt, but I can't deny that he's an anomaly among Idol contestants: a fleshed-out stage presences with an owned sense of identity.

7. Ashthon Jones

Now hear this: I love Ashthon Jones and her disposable-member-of-Destiny's-Child diva gestures more than most of the people who outrank her here. But in the annals of soulful belters on Idol, Ashthon doesn't stack up to Jennifer Hudson, Melinda Doolittle, or even Carly Smithson. I'll rally for her if Haley Reinhart starts gaining major support (for whatever reason), but for right now she's a mid-pack contender with a top-tier stankface.

6. Thia Megia

She has it all: youth, tininess, a pleasant voice, ugly rainbow caftans, and a soupcon of spunk. She could use an upgrade in the personality department, but she's exhibited a certain savvy for making Idol moments.

5. Casey Abrams

The downright charming upright bassist! Casey's level of musicianship is absurd, his voice is a crackling monster gurgle, and he's a big fan of silliness. I am down for silly over self-serious, always.

4. James Durbin

We don't need another Adam Lambert -- that is, a caterwauling fan of "heavy metal" who packs the sexuality of an average High School Musical outcast. But I think James is sweet and relatable, and I hope he'll have more tender moments onstage that spotlight his vulnerable streak. But less vests, please! No more vests for you.

3. Pia Toscano

This is an awfully high ranking for someone who hasn't exhibited much gravitas beyond her performance of "I'll Stand By You" last week, but that performance was an undeniable triumph. She exhumed the Pretenders standard, invigorated it with searing perseverance, and heralded her own arrival as season ten's dark horse.

2. Stefano Langone

Of all the male contestants, Stefano is the one who could be a major pop star with more than one hit. He is Bruno Mars. He is Mike Posner. He is those others who sound just like those two. The round-headed scamp also plays to the camera really well, and I can't say that to many of these borgs (ahem, Karen).

1. Naima Adedapo

America, you almost voted out this glitzy stalk of neon fire! Naima far outshines her competitors when it comes to personality and depth of character. She is vulnerable, meek, strong, and self-effacing, and it's rare to see any one of those qualities in an Idol hopeful. Though she may be an acquired taste for some, I expect her to wow us with more jazzy interpretations, spunk, and the yellowest stagewear of all time.