American Idol Top 12 Boys: Who was Our #1?

Twelve gents enter, but only five will move on to the next stage of American Idol's gladiatorial fairytale. We watched last night's 12-pack of hopefuls and picked the best, worst, and most confusing performances. How do your rankings compare? Join us for our list, from worst to first.

12. Tim Halperin, "Streetcorner Symphony"

I told you, Tim Halperin! I told you not to pick this most tepid entry in the Rob Thomas songbook! "Streetcorner Symphony" lacks a major hook, a major melody, and even minor public recognition. And now, Tim, you lack recognition too. You're not crazy, you're just a little unwell -- and still, you've met your Waterloo. Damn. This mad season.

11. Jordan Dorsey, "OMG"

STFU. I maintain that "OMG" could've been a fine song choice had Jordan changed up its robotic vocals and exposed it as, uh, a song, but he screwed the pooch with his take on the Usher's mumblecore R&B jam. The dodgy dancing, offbeat trilling, and inability to capture the essence of Auto-Tune were important problems, but his after-the-fact apology for picking the song was even worse. Steven Tyler made confused mule faces at this performance, and I mugged and brayed right along with him.

10. Brett Loewenstern, "Light My Fire"

Honestly? I thought this was embarrassing. Brett Loewenstern is the most earnest contestant of the bunch (which is a direct jab at faux-earnest, smug-smiling Robbie Rosen -- I've got your number, fake-ass!), but he's also the most cluelessly self-serious. Helpful hint: "Light My Fire" is so melodramatic that only substance-abusing pseudo-intellects like Jim Morrison can pull it off. And if ever there was an burial outfit for a losing American Idol contestant, it would be Brett's teal t-shirt and silver vest.

9. Jovany Barreto, "I'll Be"

I can't fault his singing, but I can fault Jovany for attempting to raise his profile with a trite '90s ballad and a whole bunch of standing still. Is there anything else to say? The name "Edwin McCain" fills me with an unsettling Gothic silence. I'll now end this critique with an unsettling Gothic silence. (...)

8. Clint Jun Gamboa, "Superstition"

Burger King Kids Club treasurer Clint is the kind of Idol singer who adds "snazz" to his performances. Finger snaps, jazz wrists, third-grade haircuts, chicken neck jolts, you name it -- Clint piles on the snazz like butterscotch syrup. It's too bad he recalled his karaoke roots with otherwise bland rendition of Stevie Wonder's most revered hit. I told him to choose "Wild, Wild West," and now he'll forever regret missing the opportunity to address himself as Jim West, Desperado. Now I don't want nada.

7. Paul McDonald, "Maggie May"

Confession: I don't quite get Paul McDonald. I understand he's a solid vocalist, and I know that my crotch wants to parachute upon him, but his voice sounds like a pretentious Disney chipmunk trying to tell us about the organic acorns at Trader Dale's. Also, "Maggie May"? "Maggie May" is famous for being a story song with no real hook. I don't understand that song selection, or worse, his aimless "stage stumbles." I don't understand why he gave a shoutout to "TV Land." I don't understand.

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