Ranking the New Crop of Dancing with the Stars Contestants

Time to howl in agony, because the rumor about Faye Dunaway joining Dancing with the Stars is untrue. I had her "Three Paso Dobles of the Condor" routine all choreographed! Reality check: The cast of season 12 has been announced, there's no Bonnie Parker in sight, and instead we're stuck with these 11 contenders. One of them is Sugar Ray Leonard, who I like, and another is Kirstie Alley, who raises lemurs. Let's rank 'em.

11. "Psycho" Mike Catherwood: Psycho Mike combines two types of combatants who never do well on Dancing with the Stars: the broadcaster and the unhinged, breast-milk-drinking type. Kenny Mayne, Tucker Carlson, and Steve-O, your memories lives on.

10. Kirstie Alley: Sympathy votes will propel the Cheers legend for a short spell, but I imagine she'll become flustered and overwhelmed after exactly six days. How much coordination can we expect from a former Wichita interior decorator?

9. Romeo: He's got youth, scholarship-worthy athletic skills, and style, but he also has the genes of Master P. Hedge your bets.

8. Petra Nemcova: The supermodel claims to be a lover of dance, but this video of her at a 2008 party indicates that her rhythm leaves something to be desired. With Kendra Wilkinson also competing, I worry she'll get lost in the pack and fall prey to a Shannen Doherty-style voter blindside.

7. Ralph Macchio: Nothing indicates that the Karate Kid star is a hoofer, tapper, or jiver, but how can you not vote for the man who waxed on, waxed off, and out-angsted Patrick Swayze in The Outsiders? Jennifer Grey knows something about the power of a Swayze connection, and while I don't expect her season-11 victory to be duplicated, I do expect a couple weeks of fine vaudeville from this old tadpole.

6. Wendy Williams: Gusto gets you far on this series, and Wendy Williams will wear a tower of wigs, a caftan made of Slim Jims, or a T-shirt broadcasting Whitney Houston's phone number to get votes. Her dancing won't matter that much -- until it does, and voters decide to dismiss her antics.

5. Sugar Ray Leonard: A legend of almost unimaginable glory, Sugar Ray Leonard remains an elastic, energized guy at age 54. Hopefully his prowess in the ballroom will help us forgive that he's -- ugh -- a Kardashian godfather.

4. Chris Jericho: This is a wild-card prediction for me, but Chris Jericho is such a competent emcee (and an intelligent guy, to boot) that I'm willing to bet he'll know what it takes to win. I say this in spite of the fact that Downfall is a terrible, terrible game show.

3. Kendra Wilkinson: The former Girl Next Door is a sports pole entrepreneur and a connoisseur of Jock Jams undulations. I sense the second coming of Pamela Anderson's season 10 run in this youngster, whose sex appeal and abilities will last her until the audience resents both of those.

2. Hines Ward: It's nearly verboten to badmouth professional athletes on Dancing with the Stars, so if Hines can even muster a tenth of the tenacity that garnered him Super Bowl MVP six years ago, he's set to outlast most of his contemporaries.

1. Chelsea Kane: Against a tepid, uninspiring cast, it's safest to root for the Disney ingenue with the formal training. Perhaps Kyle Massey's close-but-no-cigar run last season is the proper precursor to Chelsea's more dominating run. Plus, who's she going to lose to here? Wendy Wiliams? Please.