Charlie Sheen Discusses His CBS Castmates and the Great Porn Star Cocktail Fork Assault of '97

Monday was a whirlwind day for Charlie Sheen. After crazed appearances on ABC's Good Morning America and NBC's Today, the self-described sitcom "warlock" conducted a relaxed (and by relaxed, I mean terrifying) backyard interview with a reporter in a tracksuit before waging war on his long-time publicist. To top it all off, the actor made a last-minute stop at Piers Morgan last night to discuss his less than supportive castmates and regale the audience with a porn star and cocktail fork-related bedtime tale for the ages. As usual, click through for the best quotes.

First, the bedtime story -- which came about after Piers Morgan asked Sheen whether he had ever hit a woman: "Women are not to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed. [...] There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit [his ex-girlfriend, a woman Sheen referred to as B.A.]. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. [...] I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon. [...] She was attacking me with a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. That was the weird part. What was she doing with like a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it clearly. From a buffet."

Editor's notes: (1) Clearly, porn stars only ever steal silverware from buffets. (2) Sheen was referring to Brittany Ashland, a porn actress he dated in the late 90's, whose film credits include Temple of Lust, Cheeks 5: Cop a Feel and 2 Hung 2 Tung.

On the rumor that CBS might replace Sheen with John Stamos: "It's like, 'You guys do that...you deserve everything that happens to you.' Sorry John, you're a lovely man but ya' got on me on Howard Stern bro and I don't forget anything."

On the news that CBS would pay the Two and a Half Men crew for four episodes: "That's okay. That's a start. I'm not stopping until they give them eight. Then I'm going to work on my cast. Then I'm going to finish with me."

On the idea that his feud with CBS gets more news coverage than important world events: "It's a little bizarre turning on the news and I'm the lead story. [..] I'm thinking, 'The world is upside down.' But I guess that shows the power of the business I'm in."

On whether he regrets making that anti-Semitic remark about Chuck Lorre: "Yeah, I regret it. I should have thought about it. Stupid. Stupid move. But I didn't think -- he calls me Charles Estevez a lot, which is my real name. And then I saw the other name in his vanity card and I said it and the world just started burning down around me."

On his regrets the past week: "I guess I should have been a little quieter, a little softer. But look what happens when you decide to blaze a trail. You find out that those that can't stand the heat around them, they don't have the guts to survive."

On whether or not he's talked to his cast members: "I have not because I don't feel like there's any real support there. No one has issued a statement. I made a phone call. I get a couple angry texts, whatever. Ignore that. I am out here trying to do this for all of us guys. I'm not trying to embarrass you or ruin your jobs or ruin the show. It would be nice if there was some measure of support though -- from anybody. Anybody. That's alright. Every great movement begins with one man and I guess that's me."