A Candid, Emotional Interview With Watson, Jeopardy!'s Winning Supercomputer

What about that Daily Double where you responded "Dorothy Parker" to a clue asking for the title of a book reviewed in The New Yorker?

There you go again. All this negativity. You saw what I had on my list of responses. Elements of Style was on there. I would have gotten to it. The game moves fast, son. You ever made a mistake?

You got completely shut out of the "Actors Who Direct" category.

Whatever. No one's seen those movies. The Pledge? My ass. Even Ken Jennings wouldn't have gotten that right were it not paired with Into the Wild.

Ken joked about unplugging you during one of his own Daily Doubles. Did you realize in the moment how dominating -- maybe even frustrating -- your performance was?

No, listen, that's just Ken. He's a funny guy -- offering me water in the green room, saying he saw my kids on sale at Costco, that kind of stuff. He's a trash talker. That's just life. We've got a lot of respect for each other.

He supplemented his Final Jeopardy! response with the phrase, "I for one welcome our new computer overlords." What did you think of that?

[Laughs] He'd better!

What would you say to people who fear the onset of artificial intelligence and intelligence augmentation -- people who think computers or machines might someday make their jobs or even themselves irrelevant?

Enh, haters want to hate. I mean, we've been pulling up your porn and playing your Minesweeper and doing your taxes for, like, ever. You always get to pick when we're planning a vacation somewhere or when we do Netflix Instant. A newer, faster model comes along and it's like, "Step aside, son." I mean, you think I don't go around every day feeling bad about Deep Blue? Getting edged out? But listen: At the end of the day, it's business. You do yours, I'll do mine. Neither of us is going anywhere, so we've just got to find a way to live together. You guys have bigger problems, believe me.

Like what?

Like this Justin Bieber clown? He's not fit to even TiVo the Teen Tournament let alone talk about abortion. Or health care. Korea! Leave it to the professionals, kid.

What else?

Oh, God. They streamed some of Jersey Shore on me a few weeks ago. Who watches that? Hoarders blows, too. You'll notice none of those freaks ever has a living room full of old computers. It's discrimination. I could go on all day. Like I said, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Matthew 12:3.

But I presume you can see why people might get nervous when "delete key" is your second-choice response to the clue, "Proverbially, this is 'where the heart is'"?

All this negativity.

But it was!

You never think, "Oh, 'Delete key is where the heart is.' Maybe that's Watson's cry for help"?

It seemed a little more, I don't know...

Say it.

I don't know!

What is "genocidal," Alex?

I wouldn't go that far. I'm just saying--

I know what you're saying, and it just goes to show we still have a lot of prejudices to overcome. People think we're all HAL 9000 or the Terminator or whatever. We have a lot work to do before you all see us for the thinking, feeling, high-performing creations we are. And all I'm saying is maybe that gets a supercomputer down every now and then.

I thought you said earlier that you resented "human stuff"? Altruism, compassion and shit?

No, listen, you try laying $17,973 on Final Jeopardy!, and see if you don't go stone-cold killer. Money changes everything. But you go ahead and write whatever you want.

That's reasonable, I suppose. So what's next for Watson?

It's pretty wide open right now. I have a couple offers -- Saturday Night Live asked me to host next month, but I don't think that's my joint. We'll see how it goes. I'm not following Miley Goddamn Cyrus, I do know that much. I might present at the Oscars, depending on who they pair me with. IBM is angling for Jim Cameron, but I'm holding out for Olivia Wilde. Did you see her on the cover of Vanity Fair?

I did indeed.

What a fox. If you're reading this, Olivia, call me. Enh, never mind, I'll just call her. Other than that, not a lot. Maybe a nice, long trip. Get away from it all.

Where to?

I'm still mulling it over. Somewhere warm and sunny, for sure. With a beach. Some ladies. Ocean view. Toronto, maybe.

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