The 9 Batsh*t-Craziest Lines Heard at the Hobo with a Shotgun Premiere

"Let's tear this place apart!" So instructed director Jason Eisener before Friday's midnight premiere of Hobo with a Shotgun, the unabashedly campy Canadian-American grindhouse flick about a homeless drifter who cleans up the streets of a depraved urban metropolis with only a pawn shop shotgun and plenty of gloriously insane death-dealing catchphrases in his arsenal. And while it may have disappointed Eisener and Co. that an actual riot didn't erupt before or after their film, they must have been pleased that Hobo played exactly right to just the genre-loving crowd it was made for.

Hobo with a Shotgun comes pretty much as advertised; it's a purposefully made B-grade action flick played with a terrific ear for exactly why genre fans love the bad movies of the '70s and '80s. But one of its biggest problems is that whenever star Rutger Hauer isn't on screen, bringing incredible anguish, quiet suffering and spectacular rage to his balls-to-the-wall rampages, the knowing campiness melts away. Anyone can chew scenery and play caricatured villains (even Gregory Smith, that kid from the WB's Everwood, here tarnishing every former teenybopper fan girl's nostalgic fantasy image of him with glee), but veteran genre icon Hauer seems most aware that as a work of homage, Hobo works best when it's not only recreating but also acknowledging the cheese factor of those O.G. grindhouse flicks.

That said, Hobo with a Shotgun is still one heckuva addition to the '80s-styled vigilante thriller genre and a fantastic midnight movie. (The smart, surprising, and darkly funny horror short The Legend of Beaver Dam played before it; seek it out, ye genre fanatics. You'll thank me later.) While I'm loath to spoil any part of the film before you can see it for yourself in theaters later this year, behold nine of the craziest, most batsh*t insane lines -- sans context, so as to minimize spoilage -- that came out of Rutger Hauer's mouth, either on-screen and off, at last night's premiere:

[Dialogue spoilers follow. Duh]

1. "I'm making a citizen's arrest!"

2. "Put the knife away or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your skin!"

3. "Mother Teresa is a goddamn saint!"

4. "You're gonna need a LOT of dump trucks."

5. "I'm gonna sleep with your bloody carcasses tonight!"

6. "You're f*cked."

7. "Hallelujah."

8. "She. Is. A. TEACHER!!"

9. "I've never been in a tighter hole in my life."*

*Not in the movie, but spoken by Rutger Hauer in real life, for reals, I swear.

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