The Mike & Molly Fat Tracker: 'You're Sweating Like a 300 Pound Hooker in Church'

What is the one thing worse than sitting through a three-hour opera while sick? Watching an overweight sitcom character sweat through a three-hour opera while he's sick. Hence last night's episode of Mike & Molly, "Mike Goes to the Opera," in which Mike caught a virus and his friends and family missed no less than ten opportunities to make fat jokes at his blubbery expense. "Don't they just put animals your size down when they get sick?"* Hey-oh?

[*Editor's Note: For more sitcom-ready fat jokes where that came from, please contact this author directly.]

Because last night's episode was so devoid of quality fat jokes, I ended up transcribing any line that remotely related to Mike's weight, his affection for fried foods or his ability to crush small animals. Enjoy.

"You're sweating like a hooker in church. A 300 pound hooker." -- Mike's best friend

"Sorry, just two corn dogs fighting for kennel space." -- Mike, apologizing for his hideous digestion noises

"Well, if she hasn't seen you sweaty and out of breath yet I'm pretty sure she hasn't had sex with you in the first place." -- Mike's best friend

"Here, use [my dog] Jim as your hot water bottle for now. But whatever you do, don't roll over on the little fella. I rescued him from the pound but I ain't rescuing him from your fanny." -- Mike's mom

"You also didn't ask me to give birth to you but that's what a mother does. You split me open like a walnut." -- Mike's mom

"The doctor said he's never seen [a baby] like you. You had chest hair and a front tooth. It was like nursing a beaver." -- Mike's mom