Part II: Can We Sit and Watch the OWN Network? Movieline Investigates
3:00 p.m.: An Officer and a Gentlemen just ended, and Gayle was a sexual demon in the role Richard Gere originated.
3:02 p.m.: Anna and Kristina's Grocery Bag is on. New episode. These ladies cook things, see. Today's episode: "Mastering the Art of French Cooking." In it, they cook a bunch of things from Julia Child's famous cookbook. I can't think of a single movie where this was already explored.
3:04 p.m.: "I've never cooked a duck!" Anna/Kristina claims. With her quizzical Amy Adams lip-bite.
3:07 p.m.: Time to cook onions with Kranstina! Or whatever. But wait just a minute: Oprah don't cook no onions. This is a farce.
3:10 p.m.: They're de-boning the duck now, except Kranna can't figure out how to slit the duck right. The other girl, Anstina, figures it out and is heralded "the De-boner." Just like in college.
3:14 p.m.: These two are like a seventh-place Amazing Race team. All smiles and good times and ready to lose.
3:15 p.m.: Oprah, why are we copying the Food Network? Or TLC? You are so much more G4 than this.
3:19 p.m.: Where is Oprah Warrior, where men in spandex race to scale Harpo Studios and climb over a towering Toni Morrison? The network is called OWN. Own, Oprah.
3:24 p.m.: The dark-haired chef (Anna?) is in charge of the souffle. And now for some reason smoke is billowing out of the oven. I'd expect this on the Tyra network.
3:28 p.m.: A professional chef has to saw open their duck. This is like if Julie from Julie and Julia were terrible, and I'm starting to like it.
3:30 p.m.: It's already over. Good try, all.
3:32 p.m.: Big Bowl of Love is on. This is a chef show for real chefs, I guess. She's making desserts like "Affogato."
3:34 p.m: I miss The Frugal Gourmet, which makes me some sort of victim.
3:39 p.m.: The guest-chef Kat is pretending to be impressed by the host's jank potato plate. Please. It's like Baked Lays and taco fixings.
3:44 p.m.: The salmonloaf includes ginger, breadcrumbs, and scallion. This is an ideal dish for your unbearable children who go to violin camp.
3:48 p.m.: Commercial break! Diapers, weight loss, and AARP. Oprah thinks she's the new Game Show Network, and everyone in my house is offended.
3:52 p.m.: Cristina Ferrare, the host of the show, is explaining that "affogato" means "to drown." Sinister.
3:56 p.m.: Chocolate, amoretto, whipped cream, and coffee ice cream mixed together. I'm drowning in the Diabetan Sea. S.O.Yes..
4 p.m.: Well, that does it for today. The OWN Network is officially TLC with Oxygen pacing. It's Good Girls Club. I can't think of a sadder endorsement.
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Comments
Uhh, is that the whole article? One hour?
“If Margaret Avery hadn’t split the vote, I’d have won the Oscar. WHERE YOU NOW, MARG?”
Rolling. I mean, I'm rolling. Can't vouch for Marg, alas.
Texting Anjelica Huston for comment, brb.
"Australia! Are we going to see where they filmed the Sound of Music?!?!"
Well, now page two appears. Uh, hu.
11:22 am and 11:38 am: lol. I enjoyed the "Behind The Scenes" show but was surprised that Oprah has mostly white producers(there was one black woman ). In the past, Oprah has chastised the cast of "Friends" and "Sex And The City" for not having any black actors. Made me go hmmm...
Aw, Anna & Kristina! They air on the W Network in Canada. But that episode is really old. 2 years maybe? I think it was the first one ever. Now they often get the cookbook author or another guest judge to come and taste the meal, which can be pretty funny. (Usually there is wine involved.) Brian Boitano was the guest once, and he was awesome.